A soccer miscellany compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Suited for prison: Warnock passes sentence on fans who abuse players and managers

QPR SUPREMO Neil Warnock turned his thoughts on Friday to what he described as the “frightening” levels of abuse players and managers receive from fans. “When you see the hatred in some of these guys’ faces . . . and you’re probably talking about guys who wear suits to work all week. I think they should be put in prison for about two years each, but that’s just me flying a kite, isn’t it?”

Later that day – breaking news: “The prison population in England and Wales hit an all-time high of 87,749 today . . . jails are close to running out of cells.”

The British Home Office, you’d imagine, will leave Warnock’s kite up in the air – for now, anyway.

Mind you, if Warnock thinks things are tough, he should have a word with German footballer Daniel Bauer.

His relationship with Magdeburg supporters wasn’t the healthiest anyway, but deteriorated a bit when five masked fans broke in to his home to threaten him because his club performances weren’t the best.

“This is just a warning. If nothing happens against Halle, we will come back,” Bauer said they told him.

The bad news is that Magdeburg could only manage a 0-0 draw with Halle, the good news: Bauer couldn’t be blamed, he didn’t play, having left the city with his girlfriend.

The club, who were Uefa Cup winners back in the 1970s, but now playing in Germany’s northern regional league, agreed to terminate his contract, Bauer, not unreasonably, deciding it was time to move on.

Striking gold: Bruce points out the bottom line

“You are only as good as your strikers. You can find a hairy-arsed centre half anywhere, they are 10 a penny. But a Premier League striker? Wow, they are gold dust.”

– Steve Bruce, on the hunt for smooth-bottomed goal-poachers.

“We are going to Newcastle to win because we are boys with big balls.”

–Royston Drenthe ahead of Everton’s loss at Newcastle.

“Simone Pepe was excellent. I have a secret: a bat with lots of nails in it. When his intensity drops I threaten him with it.”

– Juventus manager Antonio Conte on how he gets the best out of his winger.

“He is a player who goes ‘whoosh’.”

– Fulham’s Mousa Dembele on the speedy Gareth Bale.

There's only one Maradona: And a dodgy Diego double

IF, BY any chance, you’re in the middle of a bidding war in an online auction for a Diego Maradona autograph, acquired by a Napoli diehard at last Wednesday’s Champions League game against Bayern Munich, keep your money.

“The Napoli fans completely freaked out,” reported German paper Bild. “The greatest idol in the club’s history was mixing among the people!”

But? “Maradona” was, in fact, Abi Atici, a Turk who makes a living – or, at least, tries to — out of being a Maradona look-a-like. Uncanny.

Flamengo fury: Ronaldinho gets a hot reception

RONALDINHO GOT a warm reception when he returned to his old club Gremio with Flamengo for a league match last week. Very, very warm. A banner with a painting of The Last Supper, with Ronaldinho starring as Judas, was on show, the player greeted by banners with “Mercenary” printed on them, where the fans waved fake money at him featuring his face. His every touch was booed, the highlight of the afternoon his booking – and the four goals Gremio scored after Flamengo had led 2-0.

Let’s just say, they haven’t forgiven him for joining Paris St Germain, or for signing for Flamengo on his return to Brazil. “Everyone knew this was going to happen, but for anyone who is used to the Flamengo supporters, it’s not really much noise,” he said after the game.

Bald facts: Ibrahimovic on his relationship with Guardiola

“Pep Guardiola was staring at me and I lost it. I thought ‘there is my enemy, scratching his bald head’. I yelled to him: ‘You have no balls!’ And probably worse things than that.”

– Zlatan Ibrahimovic, in his brand new book, on the bond he formed with Pep at Barcelona.

“I’m not the Wizard of Oz.”

– Inter Milan’s Claudio Ranieri explains why the club has had its worst start to a season since 1946-47.

“I wanted to coach a national team once more, but gave up on the idea . . . virtually no one appoints a foreign coach any more. England tried it twice with Eriksson and Capello and the two of them have poisoned the chance for the rest of us.”

– Louis van Gaal salutes Fabio and Sven.

Stitched up

RUMOURS SWIRLED around Glasgow last week about a bust-up between Celtic manager Neil Lennon and one of his players, Kris Commons. There was even talk that Lennon had head-butted him

in a dressing room set-to. Lennon laughed it off. Commons did too – you could just about see his smile when he turned up for training wearing a neck brace and with his head and nose bandaged. Hats off.

No heads for heights

PAOLO DI Canio wasn’t overly impressed by the quality of Bradford’s football in the recent 0-0 draw with his Swindon side. “He (Bradford manager) Phil Parkinson said ‘we tried to play football’ and I told him that I can’t

imagine what you’re doing when you don’t try to play. They think there is a football pitch in the sky.” As Brian Clough put it, “if God had wanted us to play football in the sky, He’d have put grass up there”.

Fired up

You know you've made it in England when the Edenbridge Bonfire Society chooses your effigy to burn at their Fireworks Night do. Wayne Rooney was honoured in the past, this time it was the turn of the one and only Mario Balotelli – all 30 feet of him. “We are fairly sure he will see the funny side,” said the society’s Jon Mitchell, referring to Mario’s recent fireworks woes. If he doesn’t, Edenbridge should put the fire brigade on stand-by.