Possibly the first question Sportaphiles will ask Sportaphobes next Monday morning will be: “Was the weather nice at the weekend?” That’s because, if they’re devoted enough, there’ll be no opportunity for them to venture outdoors whatsoever, the terrestrial telly sporting schedule crammed to overflowing.
Mindful of the fact that this isn’t great news for telly-loving Sportaphobes, we do at least have some good news for the avid Virgin Media One viewers among them who have a particular aversion to rugby. The channel’s schedule for next Saturday, between 7.30 in the morning and 10.35 that night, isn’t entirely given over to the sport – there’s a two minute gap in the evening when they’ll bring you a news bulletin.
So, that’s just the 15 hours and three minutes of coverage of Round One of the inaugural Nations Championship, which features six games – New Zealand v France, Japan v Italy, Australia v Ireland, Fiji v Wales, South Africa v England and Argentina v Scotland. If Joe Molloy is on duty for the entire shift, he’ll go from having a bit of stubble at the start to looking like Rasputin by the close of play.
Occasionally, Virgin Media Two offers some relief for Sportaphobes, but between racing from Sandown Park and Newmarket, and Diamond League athletics from Oregon on Saturday, that’s another five-ish hours of broadcasting they’ll want to avoid.
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There will be interludes on the channel, though, including The Secret Life of Our Pets – although that will star a rabbit that can play basketball, so there’ll be a sporting hue to that too. It will probably also have footage of dogs mangling remote controls in the hope that they might get a walk at some point over the weekend.
Will RTÉ offer a breather on Saturday? No. RTÉ One will have the All-Ireland camogie quarter-final between Waterford and Kilkenny and Cork v Galway in the All-Ireland hurling semi-final, while RTÉ2 will bring us two World Cup Round of 16 games. If they both go to penalties, that’ll be another five-ish hours of sport. Praise the Lord.
“Why am I paying my TV licence,” asks the Sportaphobe. So you can see the joy on the faces of your sport-adoring loved ones. And sure look, there’s no price high enough for that.
Any relief on TG4? Yes! Well, if you exclude their live coverage of three All-Ireland women’s football quarter-finals – Armagh v Kildare, Kerry v Meath, and Dublin v Cork – and highlights from the opening stage of the Tour de France.
How about the BBC? Between BBC One and BBC2 there’ll be 13 – 13! – hours of Wimbledon coverage, two World Cup last 16 games and the first of the weekend’s hurling semi-finals. Any break from it all after midnight? Not really – there’ll be highlights from Wimbledon and England’s T20 meeting with India.
Any chance of UTV being a sport-free zone? As the young people say, lolololol – they’ll have three live Nations Championship games, including Ireland’s tussle with Australia (kick-off 11.10am), and two live World Cup contests. Channel 4? Surely they’ll offer more cultured fare? They will – five hours of live vrooms-vrooms, the sprint race and qualifying for the British Grand Prix. And? An hour’s highlights of both after midnight.
The good news for the Sportaphobes is that Sunday will be much better – there’ll only be mountains more live coverage of Wimbledon, an All-Ireland minor football final (Cork v Tyrone), a camogie quarter-final (Clare v Tipperary), a hurling semi-final (Limerick v Clare), a women’s football quarter-final (Galway v Mayo), two World Cup Round of 16 games, the British Grand Prix and the second stage of the Tour de France. So, slim enough pickings.
How will you know the Sportaphiles from the Sportaphobes in your life come next Monday? The former will be pasty, goggle-eyed and delirious, the latter will be tanned, bright-eyed and busy protesting outside the TV licence office.
You can see the full schedule for sport on television at the weekend here.
