PSONI detectives find five howitzers, two MiG 31s, ten tons of Semtex, 500 anthrax capsules and 1,000 nuclear detonators in Sinn Fein offices in Stormont. The Chief Constable, Hugh Orde, apologises to Sinn Féin, the "office equipment" is returned, and the officer who led the police raid is put into a blender and turned into dogfood.
January 1st, 2003.
The British Prime Minister Tony Blair announces that for the peace process to move on, the IRA must announce that the war is over. He accordingly appoints Mr Slab Murphy to be head of Special Branch in the Armagh area. Sinn Féin denounces the request for a "war is over" declaration as a violation of the Patten report; and anyway, Sinn Féin in unconnected to the IRA.
Oops, says Tony Blair. Sorry.
February 1st.
Sinn Féin declares that Patten has still not been implemented. Tony Blair, in a tough, no-nonsense and eye-catching rebuke to the republicans, announces that Protestant recruits to the new police force must swear an oath of allegiance to the Pope, and learn Patrick Pearse's poetry by heart. Sinn Féin replies: Patten has still not been implemented.
March 1st.
An IRA unit is arrested with a thermonuclear device on the Thames. Sinn Féin insists that, as with the Colombia three, the arrested men are birdwatchers. Tony Blair decides to make an example of them. They are sent to the Sizewell nuclear processing plant for a nuclear bomb-making course. Sinn Féin insists that since the Patten report has still not been implemented, the prisoners must be given a course in cruise missile guidance as well.
Okay, but that's it, announces Tony Blair. The British government can make no more concessions without a major gesture from the IRA. He therefore announces special security initiatives. The Royal Marine Commandos are to be amalgamated with Sadler's Wells Opera Company, and henceforward, the Unionist Party will be allowed to hold its meetings in the Armalite & Semtex pub in Crossmaglen only.
Sinn Féin denounces the measure as an abject failure to implement Patten. In order to push the peace process forward, Tony Blair announces SAS training for selected IRA men. Sinn Féin says it's not enough: Patten requires SAS training for all nationalist schoolchildren.
April 1st.
A random DNA test shows that David Trimble is not David Trimble, but a republican double named Seamus McAndroid, from Castlederg. The real David Trimble has been kidnapped and held in a bunker in north Kerry for the previous three months, during which time, the bogus David Trimble has been calling for a complete implementation of Patten.
Tony Blair announces that the IRA has now gone too far. However, he will continue to do business with the bogus David Trimble, because he likes him more.
Sinn Féin insists that this is not enough, and that republicans must be permitted to impersonate Peter Robinson and Ian Paisley as well. It would, it insists, be anti-Catholic bigotry not to give a pair of specially-trained republican look-alikes an opportunity to play the parts of the two DUP men. "Otherwise, we're looking at a return to the dark old days of Stormont and the jobs-discrimination that the peaceful IRA Civil Rights Campaign of 1971 - 1995 was all about." Tony Blair insists on compromise. Sinn Féin-IRA must provide a stand-in for Gordon Brown, who is also to be buried in north Kerry.
Sinn Féin says okay: but Patten must then be implemented in full.
May 1st.
An IRA tanker containing mustard gas is intercepted as it enters the House of Lords, driven by the Lord Privy Seal, whose family are being held at gunpoint. The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, says that this time he has really had enough.
The MI5 unit which prevented the gas-attack is burnt alive at Tyburn, and the House of Lords is reconvened for a special sitting, in which the gas attack, with the assistance of the Brigade of Guards, is successfully completed.
Sinn Féin says that Patten has still not been implemented, and no gesture on IRA arms is possible until it is. Tony Blair stamps his foot in uncontrollable wrath, and agrees to introduce an anti-aircraft missile course into the syllabus in 20 Catholic schools in South Armagh.
Sinn Féin denounces this, insisting that Patten allowed for all nationalist schoolchildren to be trained in how to bring down British helicopters.
Tony Blair snivels, what if the British supply the IRA with 5,000 rifles? Sinn Féin says the standard British army SA 80 rifle is useless, and is in violation of Patten. Tony Blair says hurriedly, No, no, I didn't mean the horrible old SA 80, that's only for our guys, I meant the Russian AN 94, that's much better than the SA 80.
Sinn Féin says, sulkily, all right: but you still haven't implemented Patten.
I know, agrees Blair, and I'm heartily ashamed of myself. Have a billion quid.
Okay, say the Shinners; but only if you ask nicely.
June 1st.
Blair implements Patten in full. Sinn Fein rejects it as insufficient. So, whimpers Blair in despair, what will really make you happy? Who knows? purrs Sinn Féin. What about Sudetenland?