What unhygienic object do teams always need someone to clean up? – Frank McNally’s guide to the GAA cliche

Which undesirable qualities relating to the time-space continuum featured in that challenge by the corner back? It was late and high

Donegal and Kerry players parade before the 2014 All-Ireland final – the counties meet once again in the final on Sunday. Photograph: Morgan Treacy/Inpho
Donegal and Kerry players parade before the 2014 All-Ireland final – the counties meet once again in the final on Sunday. Photograph: Morgan Treacy/Inpho

In what pressurised GAA-style circumstances did God create the universe, before resting? A six-day turnaround.

But of whom is it unreasonable to expect two games in that period? Amateur players.

What kind of tie do even native Irish speakers from Kerry love mispronouncing? Tie-rone.

It’s only what? The League.

What else is it only, when all’s said and done? A game.

Where, although apparently peripheral to the playing surface, could this final be won and lost? On the sidelines.

What will be crucial for the managers to get right first? The matchups.

What sort of affair has it been so far? A cagey one.

In which preliminary trading places have defenders been on top? The early exchanges.

What directionless meteorological activity at the Hill 16 end may explain those missed chances? A swirling wind.

Which undesirable qualities relating to the time-space continuum featured in that challenge by the corner back? It was late and high.

Apart from the corner forward, what else is now injured? The expression of innocence on the defender’s face.

But how much of that is the ref having? None of it.

What, despite a 10-point lead with 15 minutes to go, are Mayo sure to find here? A way to lose this.

Even if Mayo aren’t playing, what lead is safe with the new rules? No lead.

What do Cork seem to have lost completely since half-time? Their shape.

And what, meanwhile, have the Tipperary supporters found? Their voice.

In which Savannah-like pastures will this forward line thrive? The wide-open spaces of Croke Park.

Into what, nevertheless, will the opposition defence try to lure them into? Dark alleys.

What unhygienic object do teams always need someone to clean up? Dirty ball.

There’s a bit of which two activities going on out of camera shot here, Ger? Pushing and shoving.

What does the ref need to do? Sort this out.

But looking at the replay, which utilitarian fashion accessories was that, mostly? Handbags.

What solitary unit of speech will the referee settle for having? A word.

If planning his own Las Vegas in the hills of Donegal, how would Jim McGuinness build it? Carefully, from the back.

Of which cerebral sporting disciplines is McGuiness a master? Mind games.

But what did Jack O’Connor not come down in either? The last shower.

What incendiary quality does this Donegal team have? Pace to burn.

Even so, which judicial-sounding item of furniture may swing it for Kerry? The bench.

What mysterious malediction caused David Clifford to miss that last one, despite the expressed certainty of observers that he couldn’t? The commentator’s curse.

Which stainless-steel utensil is the game in now? The melting pot.

Of what covetous superfluity has it become a question? Which team wants it more.

What were the lads doing in training all week? Flying.

Meanwhile, what was everyone else doing? Writing us off.

What, paradoxically, did the losers do today, even though everyone could see they were here? Show up.

With what stoic expression, vaguely similar to WB Yeats’s epitaph, will the losing manager accept defeat? “Sure lookit.”

There won’t be a what milked in Kerry/Donegal tonight? Cow (Acceptable answers also include “Goat”, “cross-Border peace fund” and “EU grant”).