Leargas - RTE1, Tuesday
Teargas - C4, Saturday
Later With O'Leary - RTE1, Tuesday
It's surprising what a difference one letter of the alphabet makes. Due to a simple misunderstanding caused by a striking similarity in titles, this week I accidentally videotaped a programme featuring provocative alternative comedians performing sexually explicit material at a club in Brixton, instead of a documentary about Fianna Fail's policy of non-payment of land annuities to the British Government in the 1930s.
I had not really intended to watch either programme, but had been asked to tape the land annuities show by a friend of mine, Father Bunny Long, now almost 90 years of age, and for many years parish priest in the village of Dowerglass in Co Limerick. My rather "addled" state when I was taking down his instructions over the phone - relating to difficulties in my private life exacerbated by alcohol and drug abuse - caused me to inadvertently tape Teargas (swearing/drugs and sex references) rather than Leargas (Fianna Fail/unpaid land annuities).
Unfortunately, due to the abrasive content of the Channel 4 programme, Father Long suffered a mild stroke while viewing the show and is now convalescing in a nursing home. One particularly "raunchy" joke about a certain lesbian practice was apparently too much for him. I can only apologise to my old friend (and squash partner), who certainly didn't deserve a misfortune of this sort to befall him in the autumn of his life.
As I have mentioned, I was not in control of my faculties this week. Tuning in to Later With O'Leary, I expected to see a debate on the current leadership crisis in Fine Gael. ("Crisis! What crisis!?" was John Bruton's cry on the Nine O'Clock News a few days before his recent fall from power. "The Fine Gael leadership crisis" was Charlie Bird's unruffled response). However, instead of Alan Shatter or Jim Mitchell mulling over the future of FG, I was confronted with the Northern Ireland nationalist poet, Orla Ni Suibh, discussing the current state of the Irish male.
Last week, I expressed some disquiet that she had misused her film column in another newspaper to make disparaging and hurtful remarks about her private life with me, her former partner (non-squash). Needless to say, she spent her time on Later With O'Leary continuing with her rant.
I watched downhearted, as she revealed very personal information about me, including the position of a tattoo on my body which I had done at Orla's instigation during our early days of courtship, at a time when I was following St Patrick's Athletic. The wording of the tattoo - "I love Orla and St. Pats" - I can dismiss as a youthful indiscretion. My choice of placement of said tattoo I regard as foolish and one of the worst decisions I have ever made. But I have gone into too much detail already. If you saw Orla on Later or have visited her website (which includes a photograph taken at the time) you already know the unsavoury details.
Sadly, Orla's own physical and mental condition on the programme also caused me some distress. She made one of Shane MacGowan's appearances on the Late Late Show look like a polished, professional display by a graduate from the Carr School of Communications. The sad fact is that the poor woman is unable to look after herself, and I would not be surprised to come across her soon holding up a sign in Capel Street with "Golf Sale" written on it.
Without my care and attention, she has "gone to pot" and looks like a bedraggled prostitute. Her hair, once a fiery, defiant orange colour, so in keeping with her vibrant personality, is now a horrible sh-- brown.
Always fat, she has put on a staggering amount of weight since the end of our relationship. I am sure on a satellite photograph she would resemble a drumlin, such is her enormous size.
Without wishing to sound too unkind, Orla is a complete freak of nature. How sad it is that she has used both her newspaper film review column and her recent television appearances to continually put me down and slander me. Surely she would be much better off writing about the recent series of filmed Beckett plays than revealing intimate details of our bedroom habits. This kind of behaviour portrays an abusive, bitter, patronising personality. What a sad old bitch.
Arthur Mathews is co-author of Father Ted. His comic novel, Well-Remembered Days, is published by Macmillan next month.