Cowen puts faith in Nirvana but Gilmore and Kenny in no mood for entertainment

DÁIL SKETCH:A LITTLE ray of sunshine is warming the polar night of Irish politics.

In an unprecedented burst of brightness, our previously arctic Taoiseach has gone from Baffin Bay to Bali in a matter of weeks.

Most unsettling.

Has Biffo been studying the Hugging Saint? These days, all he wants to do is embrace everyone and everything.

Don’t be surprised when he trades in his Merc for a Honda Accord. He wants to scrap the old jet too – it’s Concorde or nothing from now on.

Naturally, Opposition leaders are deeply suspicious of this sudden conversion to political consensus. Coming from Cowen, whose FF tribalism could keep an army of anthropologists in research papers, it’s not surprising they are worried.

But the Taoiseach has seen the light (it’s handy for illuminating the writing on the wall) and there’s nothing like the zeal of the converted.

Yesterday, before Leaders’ Questions, he summoned the media to Government Buildings to tell them he will be meeting Enda and Eamon this afternoon. He hopes they will “find understanding and commitment within the Irish political system”. Furthermore, he will let them have a debate on the economy next week.

His tie was a lovely shade of episcopal purple and he steepled his fingers as he spoke and smiled a lot. The Taoiseach had nothing much else to say, but it’s vital to keep everyone happy and in the loop in his new dispensation.

This is not the time to be bandying about specific figures, he explained. Like a reticent tailor, he refused to be drawn “on the size of the adjustment”. Clearly, like Bertie Ahern before him, he has no time for the cribbers and the moaners. “It is important to understand we can come through these issues ourselves,” he stressed.

True, there may have been a time when he only used the word “we” in the royal sense and believed “all-inclusive” was something to do with holiday deals, but not anymore.

Now that we are drowning in a sea of debt (brought about by his administrations), Biffo wants to save his skin through some synchronised swimming.

“The Government remains committed to working with all the stakeholders,” he soothed, resolutely ignoring the fact that most of the holders want to drive their stakes through the heart of his Coalition.

So, as the waters rise ever higher, he is holding out his hand to the Fine Gael and Labour leaders. There will no negativity from him.

Sadly, when he got back to the Dáil chamber, the vibes from across the floor were less than positive. Both Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore remained immune to his advances – a bit too late and a bit too full on for them, it seemed.

“Outrageous . . . absolutely appalling . . . a national catastrophe . . . ” bellowed Enda. “If this were to happen in any other western democracy, the government would have resigned long ago in disgrace!”

Biffo looked crestfallen. How would the Hugging Saint react? He refused to get angry. Instead, he was disappointed. “Today’s tone is unfortunate,” he murmured to Enda, who glared back. The Fine Gael leader’s approach took away from the “responsible” tone everyone had been taking up until then.

“I’m not going to reciprocate it in any way,” sniffed the Taoiseach, before muttering “although I would have good reason to do so.” He indicated that could wait until another occasion: “Perhaps the debate next week.” It’ll be no more Mr Nice Guy then.

Enda was unmoved. “I cannot believe a word out of this Government’s mouth,” he argued, pointing to a litany of missed predictions and wrong figures.

And the result of this shambles? “People are facing a financial Everest,” he declared. Inda should know, he’s climbed Kilimanjaro.

The Taoiseach tried to be reasonable. The Government had a bit of a contraction, but now it has stabilised and it’s time to grow. He probably meant to say the economy, because it’s highly unlike that his Government will do any more growing, unless Pat the Cope returns from Europe and wins the Donegal byelection.

Eamon Gilmore was in no mood for hugging anyone. In last year’s budget, Brian Lenihan said the worst was over and we had turned a corner. That was all rubbish. How did the Government get its figures so wrong? The Labour leader could hardly bear to talk about the state of the books, or the unspeakable fiscal atrocities Joan Burton was forced to witness on Monday.

Joan grimaced at the thought. But at least she managed to make it into the chamber. There was no sign of her Fine Gael counterpart.

Rumour has it that Michael Noonan has been lying down in a darkened room since he got sight of the nation’s bottom line and is on the verge of a nervous collapse.

The Greens didn’t show at all. Perhaps they were stranded on the Revolver big wheel in the docklands, from where Paul Gogarty, earlier in the day, announced his intention to run for mayor of Dublin.

We hear Eamon Gilmore had to be talked down from the wheel before the Green event could take place. He’s taken up residence in one of the pods so he can experience what it might be like to be a revolving taoiseach.

But back to the Dáil, where Eamon, back on terra firma, excoriated the Taoiseach on his handling of the economy.

“I don’t want to be saying anything negative,” sighed Biffo, little ray of sunshine that he is.

Enda and Eamon grudgingly said they will meet him today.

Biffo intends to perform his take on Nirvana for them: “Smells Like Team Spirit” is his current party piece.

And the two boys will look at him and sing back: “Here we are now. Entertain us!” And then tell him to stick his hugs where the sun don’t shine.