Dial another day: the spies’ file on Enda
Exclusive: The WikiInda Tapes
Affairs of State: Enda Kenny takes a call Photograph: AFP/Getty Images
The news dropped like a bombshell this week.
“World leaders” were aghast to discover US spies from the National Security Agency (NSA) had been eavesdropping on their phone conversations.
Angela Merkel is livid.
But Enda, when he arrived in Brussels on Thursday for the EU summit, played it cool. “I always operate on the basis that the calls I make are all listened to,” he said.
True. The handlers won’t let him near a phone unless one of them is present.
But the Taoiseach wasn’t so blasé when his chef-de-cabinet Mark Kennelly, acting on an anonymous tip-off to his Facebook page, called to break the chilling news:
– Boss, your phone is tapped. Mind what you say.
– Sure I know it is. The aul’ Nokia is fallin’ apart, but I’m very attached to it.
– No, boss. It’s tapped. Not taped. American spooks are invading your privacy.
– Lighten up there, Mark. The Yanks love their trick or treat.
– Taoiseach! They are taping your phone calls. Listening to and recording every word
– Ah feck! Ring Shatter. On the landline. We need to get those transcripts . . .
Today, exclusively in The Irish Times, we are proud to publish our first explosive instalment from The
This would appear to be a communication between
the leader of the Fine Gael opposition and a man known only as “Big Phil”.
BP: How’s it hangin’?
EK: Listen, Big Phil. I’m going to wipe out the Seanad. If the people are going to suffer,
then the political classes will have to take a big hit too. I’m announcing it at our gathering in Citywest tonight.
BP: That sounds a bit drastic. EK: Listen, I need something to take Eamon Gilmore out of the picture. And those Senators have had it too good for too long. The Yanks treat them like gods when they go to America. Deputies? They think we’re policemen on a junket.
BP: Great idea, boss. How did you come up with it?
EK: I picked it out of my bottom.
BP: You’re a gas man, Enda.
Recent reports of a new republican splinter group establishing itself in the
capital appear to be true.
EK: Any crack?
Alan Shatter: You were asking recently about the Lucinda situation. As you know, the Garda Commissioner tells me everything. Special Branch has been monitoring her movements, and those of “The Others”, as they call themselves. We are pretty sure of their intentions, although the officer assigned to listen to Peter Mathews’s calls has gone on extended sick leave.
EK: Get on with it, Shatter. I’ve a junior camogie team to high-five in ten minutes.
AS: Lucinda, Paul, Billy, Denis, Terence, Fidelma and Peter have now taken over the old PD table in the members’ dining room. From there, they have issued a statement calling themselves the Reform Alliance, or “the RA”. Furthermore, as they distance themselves further from official Fine Gael, they are stressing the fact that they are independent voices. Or The Independent Reform Alliance. Do you see what I’m getting at here?
AS: No. Of course not. Lucinda and chums are setting themselves us as “the IRA.”
EK: Bless us and save us. Has anyone told Gerry Adams?
AS: Nothing to do with him. He was never a member.
There seems to be a good working relationship between the Irish and British premiers, but this may be of interest. Note the references to “crack” and “skin” from Mr Kenny.
EK: What sort of crack are you playing at, Dave?
David Cameron: I’m sorry?
EK: Banning the high-fives. Mark just read it out to me from the Guardian. A second lollipop man in England has just lost his job because he high-fived the schoolkids as they crossed the road. It’s outrageous.
DC: I’ll get Nick Clegg to look into it.
EK: Make sure you do. When your lot start a trend over there my lot are mad to do the same thing. First they come for the lollipopmen. Before long, they’ll be coming for us.
DC: Dear God. I never thought. We would be nothing without our high-fives.
EK: Jeez, Dave. You have skin in this game too.
DC: Sorry Enda?
EK: So you should be.
EK: Hello? Hello? Speak up, whoever you are. I can’t be doing with heavy breathing. Is that you, Noonan?
James Reilly: Eh, no, Enda. It’s me, James. Your deputy leader. EK: What do you want? Why are you whispering?
JR: I’m stuck in a lift with Kathleen Lynch. She’s talking at me. What am I going to do?
EK: You’ll be grand. Sure Kathleen’s great crack.
JR: I’m feeling very faint. I think I might be getting a stroke.
EK: I’ve told you already –
no more strokes. I’d give your job to somebody else, only nobody wants it.
JR: I’m dying with the hunger. Could you send over a young wan to slide a few chips through the crack in the doors?
EK: I’ll slide Brendan Howlin through that gap if you don’t leave me alone. And he can take Joan Burton too.
We would not recommend any visits from US VIPs for the foreseeable future. Mr Shatter/Captain Kirk is their Minister for Justice.
EK: Is that you Big Phil? I’m worried about Shatter. He’s at it again.
BP: What’s the Garda Commissioner told him this time? I thought Ming was off that aul’ ganja, now he’s a TD.
EK: Not that. Remember how he appeared in his constituency newsletter dressed as Captain Kirk? And last year, when he’s sent out a press release calling himself The Minister for Time and urged people to watch the new series of Doctor Who? Well he’s sent another one this year to remind people to turn back their clocks.
BP: Is it Halloween already?
EK: He’s written “Carpe Horam” in big letters on the bottom of this one.
BP: Who’s Carpe Horam?
EK: How would I know?
He talks to me like I’m a two-year-old.
And some German snippets from the WikiInda files.
Also available from Merkel transcripts.
EK: Is it yourself, Angela?
AM: Don’t you Angela me. What is this “Angela Merkel thinks we’re at work”? And yet I know that Seán Pitzfatrick is partying in Poznan, no?”
EK: Only a bit of crack, to keep our spirits up.
AM: So you think the debt game has been changed? Do you? We have not broken the debt link. If you keep saying
we did I will break the link between your head and body.
EK: Sorry, Angela.
AM: Enda, my little strudel. How, as you say, is the crack? Really sorry about the soccer result, I told the boys to take it easy. How low lie the fields now?