The Problem
Orla, at 151/2, and regarded as troublesome at home, has been keeping a diary, but not under lock and key. Her mother, worried about the girl's difficult behaviour, found and read the diary. Now that she has read that Orla has had sex with more than one person, she is more worried still.
Her husband Brian, not being a diary reader, would not be of much help in the situation. Orla's mother has written to us in desperation. What does she do now?
SO THERE'S no point in telling Orla's mother that she shouldn't have done this, that it was an invasion of privacy. She's done it now. She doesn't really want to hear that she deserved all she found, that she crossed a forbidden line, that she doesn't deserve the respect of her daughter any more. These are thoughts that must have scurried like mice around her head already.
Nor does she want to be patted on the back, saying that the world should be filled with vigilantes such as herself, and that diary reading may well be the only way we will ever restore any moral fibre to the youth of Ireland.
If she believed that, and was happy with it, then she would not have bothered writing in to us. These actually are real letters from real people, although nobody ever believes that about such columns!
Nobody would readily admit to reading anyone else's diary or private letters. It's not an attractive characteristic, it has the image of someone poking, prying and snooping. Not one of these words sounds good or caring or protective.
We all pay lip service to the fact that everyone's private thoughts must be just that. Private.
No matter how well intentioned a diary reader claims to be - and, indeed, can believe himself or herself to be - it's hard to justify it as an activity, and it's not anything you can disguise, claiming that it just fell open at that page and you couldn't help reading it. Not when you have burrowed for it in a child's chest of drawers And the consolations a diary reader might be offered are fairly hollow. Sometimes people, when they have read a diary such as Orla's, would love to be reassured that it's only hothouse fantasy. The 151/2 year-old's hot, excited hopes, dreams and wishes recorded as if they were reality. Then it would be all right, wouldn't it? Just a highly developed imagination, fuelled by so much sexual exploitation in advertising and pop culture.
I checked with three psychiatrists to know if this was a normal and perhaps common occurrence. No huge joy for the wistful mothers: "Could happen, but they'd give themselves away," said one. "Much more likely to say that this is what they wished for, rather than this is what they did," said another. The third said: "No hope in thinking that the world is made up of little Joe Ortons writing sexy diaries, hoping that they were going to be found".
I don't have children, so perhaps it's easier for me to be shocked by those who would read a young person's diary. But then, because I was a teacher for over eight years, I had other ways of knowing what children were thinking about. I could read their essays and their poetry, watch them in the school concert, observe their body language. It was often easier to see it from the outside.
I didn't have to cope with their filthy, untidy bedrooms; they didn't take my makeup, or invite their loud, marauding friends into my house. I didn't have to put up with their rudeness to my friends. I never had to worry specifically about what they would each do with their futures, since I had maybe 50 of those difficult 15-year-olds a year to worry about.
But, in a way, I did often wonder what made them tick. Why a perfectly pleasant 14-year-old with a bright smile became a surly, hostile girl a year later. With my inquisitive, long, intrusive ears, I tried to pick up on their conversations, never with huge success, but I got the odd bit of information. Like lovely-looking, warm, pleasant girls having low self-esteem about their appearance and popularity. Like one blameless-looking group talking about shoplifting expeditions. Like some of the kids thinking the teachers had a down on them for ludicrous reasons, such as their parents not being rich.
What did I do with those pieces of eavesdropped and illegal information? I can't remember. Something woolly and vaguely good-natured, I imagine. I suppose I gave a menacing talk about closed-circuit television and the dangers of getting a criminal record. I admired the girl who thought she was ugly, and maybe I stressed to the class the equality of all and downgraded the notion of valuing the wealthy.
It may have done no good at all, or it just might have. But, by my suspect morality, it's not a sin to eavesdrop. If they had left their diaries in the classroom, though, I don't think I would have read them. Still, that's not really the point. Orla's diary has been read. What is her mother to do now?
My Advice
Go to your grave without ever telling Orla, and don't tell your husband, Brian, either. You describe him in a kind of amazed, wondering way as someone who would not read anyone else's diary. Believe me, he isn't such a rare breed. A huge part of the human race feels exactly the same way. But don't treat him as a loveable old fool who doesn't understand the real world. Talk to him about the way the world has changed since your time. Remind him of just how much everything has altered. Then speculate with him as to whether you and he, at different times, should try to talk to Orla on a more detailed birds and bees level. A level involving safe sex, a subject you thought might not be coming up for some time.
And maybe - even though she will roll her eyes to heaven - also discuss the subject of peer pressure and how there's no need to do what everyone else does. Unless you desperately want to, of course.
If it were my call, I would base it on some mythical radio programme that I had heard, something that made me realise how much earlier today's young people matured. I would probably be a bit self-deprecating, and give off what-doI-know vibes. This might open a few doors that have been closed.
But I wouldn't be too hopeful. What did any of us tell our parents about what we were thinking when we were 15? Even with the best will in the world . . . very little.
I tried to tell my mother about Marlon Brando, but she sighed so much I eventually gave up on it. I knew a girl who, in 1975, tried to tell her mother that this fellow would leave her if she didn't have sex with him, and the mother refused to talk about it. I asked her what she would like her mother to have said. She wanted the impossible, a mother who in those days would say: "If you love him enough and if you want to have sex, and you don't feel guilty about it, and you are properly protected, then go ahead". There weren't many mothers around like that a quarter of a century ago.
But that was then and this is now. What advice is there about Orla's sexfilled future, as her mother sees it? I would advise some kind of get-together with the mothers of her friends. Not on a crisis footing but on a social level. Keep going on about this imaginary radio documentary about all the 15-year-olds being sexually experienced. Ask the other mothers what they think. Wonder vaguely if all this sex is really happening, and if so, when and where? Tighten up on security a little bit.
But listen to me, Orla's mother. I spend my whole life listening to people and interrogating them. I don't have any real certainties or confident insights, but I have a lot of feedback.
You never read that diary.
Readers' Advice
I am a teacher in a Dublin school, and am amazed to discover that well over half the parents I meet at the parent-teacher meetings read their daughters' diaries.
They offer no apologies for it, saying that they do it to know if the kids are taking drugs. Some of them go so far as to say that any proper concerned parent would do this as a matter of course.
I ask them whether they confront the children with whatever facts they unearth in the diaries, and they say they can always get around it and bring the subject up casually, as it were. Children expect their parents to be a sort of police force and are never astounded when the parents seem to be inspired.
If Orla's mother knew that she was not alone, and that I could show her a housing estate where there is hardly an unread teenager's diary in existence, she could stop feeling guilty and get that child looked after immediately.
JMR - Dublin
First of all, I believe that you have betrayed any trust that Orla might have had in you by going behind her back to read her diary. A diary is a very personal journal of events in a person's life. Because a young girl's teenage years can be an especially difficult time to cope with life's ups and downs, parents often need to take a kid glove approach to communication channels with their offspring. Orla has felt unable to tell you of her worries and concerns because she knew you or Brian would not be supportive of her actions. As a result she has turned for comfort to casual relationships with boys and uses her diary as an outlet for expression of her feelings.
You must never let Orla or Brian, or anyone else, know that you have read the diary. This is a violation of privacy and you alone must live with the knowledge gained by yourself. What you can do is be supportive of Orla and, when opportunities arise during conversation, give her your suggestions on how best to handle any romantic liaisons from a non-judgemental viewpoint. If she and any current male friend decide to have sex, then that is between them. You can only advise, when the appropriate opportunity arises and in very general terms, on how she might ensure that she protects herself from the various repercussions that could come about as a result of such actions. You and Brian must treat Orla like the young adult that she is, with gentle, guided nurturing.
Try to put yourself in your daughter's shoes and understand the turmoil going through her mind as she is torn between studying at school and the distractions of a social life which includes boyfriends, partying, etc. Orla needs love, affection, support and encouragement at this time. If she learns of the betrayal you mentioned, she will clam up all the more and become more restless and troublesome.
Mary L. Bell - Dublin 24
Both Orla and her mother are experiencing a difficult time in their lives. Orla is, at 15, leaving childhood and exploring her sexuality. As her mother, you want to understand her, to help her and to guide her, but find yourself floundering. It is an unenviable position, but no matter how good your intentions, it was not a good idea to read Orla's diary.
Reading it was an invasion of her privacy. Orla is a person in her own right, and should feel free to express herself in a diary without fear of intrusion. I can only imagine what a shock to the system it was for you, her mother, to learn of her sexual activity. You feel that you must do what's best for your daughter and, understandably, you are concerned. However you should discuss the subject of sex delicately. Do not confront her with the information you found in her diary as you will do nothing but antagonise and upset her.
Orla is making choices which she feels she is ready for, but that may not necessarily be the case. You, as her mother, must be an authority figure and guide her to make the right decisions. However, if you order her not to have sex, her instinct will be to rebel. My advice to you is to strengthen your relationship with your daughter by treating her like an adult. She is feeling confused and alone right now. She needs to know that you have experienced what she is going through, and that you will be there to support her. Talk with her on her level and become both her parent and her friend. It is important that, from now on, you respect her right to privacy. You must learn to give her space when she needs it, and I think you'll find that she will come to you when she needs someone to listen. Amy Fitzgibbon - Limerick
AS A mother of four daughters - two in their early 20s, one teenager and a nine-year-old - I feel, given the circumstances, you should not reproach yourself for reading your child's diary. You didn't really do it for any other reason than your daughter's safety, which is paramount. I feel the only way to get the right help for your daughter is to get everything out in the open with your husband and Orla. Unfortunately, it means you will have to "confess" that you stepped over a forbidden boundary and into her territory. Explain that your reason for doing so was that you were so terribly worried about her and what she might be getting herself into, which could cause her untold damage in the future. Tell her that you love her and want to help her. Repeat that you are there for her always - whatever she does. I am worried that Orla feels the need to sleep with several partners. You need a long-term plan to build her self-worth and esteem. She must realise that to continue on this path will only bring her to ultimate ruin, but that with encouragement, love and involvement in family life, her education and her future career, she will come to look back with amazement in a few years on this time. Keep her close and let her know how important she is. Hopefully, she will realise, having not been condemned, that these new limits are creating a wonderful safety barrier for her as she grows and matures into real womanhood.
NCMcN - Co. Antrim
YOU are as bad as Orla. In fact you are worse, because you are older and should know better. I'm glad you are not my mother. I write silly things in my diary about fancying people and what I hope I will look like when I'm eighteen. I would die if anyone read them, but if my own mother were to read them I'd never forgive her. Never. I don't think Orla would forgive you - let's hope she doesn't find out, for your sake.
AL - Limerick.
THE best thing you can do for Orla is to admit your wrongdoing in reading her diary, apologise to her and bring it out into the open. Otherwise you may still be tortured by the belief that Orla is a sexual deviant until you leave this world. If you apologise, understand that means you need to correct your ways by not reading her diary again. Otherwise Orla may never understand the principle of repentance unless she learns it from some other source, such as the Scriptures.
Even if we do not commit sexual sin, the Bible says "all have sinned". We all need to learn the principle of true repentance in order to receive true forgiveness, an experience which, when I was a young Christian, was called being "born again" an opportunity for a new start.
The best you can hope for Orla is that she will learn faithfulness and be faithful to the Lord and, possibly, to a husband and children Michael Thompson - Blackrock, Co Dublin
Louise East's weekly Winging It column appears on Weekend 4 this week