Not so much a Valentine's Day massacre, more a series of skirmishes

Dáil Sketch:There was no attempted St Valentine's Day massacre in the Dáil yesterday, despite the occasion that was in it.

It was more a series of skirmishes. The real battle for political blood centres on the Opposition's hunting down of Bertie Ahern, of tribunal woes, and he does not do Thursdays in the national parliament.

His putative successor, Tánaiste Brian Cowen, took the order of business in his absence. Mr Cowen was confronted by Enda Kenny, who continued with the parliamentary game of spotting the absent Ministers.

Having taunted the Green Ministers for their absence in the seats beside the Taoiseach during the week, Mr Kenny observed that the House should be honoured by the presence yesterday of Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources Eamon Ryan.

"I am aware today is St Valentine's Day but I was going to say, had the Minister, Deputy Ryan, not come into the House today, that it would be easier to find a green man on Venus than a Green Party Minister in the Dáil," Mr Kenny added.

"Today it is the turn of the Progressive Democrats party, which supports the Government, to absent itself from the House."

Fine Gael colleague Phil Hogan remarked: "There are not too many of them."

Mr Kenny was nostalgic for more disciplined times. "Also, four Ministers are absent who are not paired. However, one cannot control them all," he declared. "The Tánaiste will recall that there was a time when it was obligatory for members to attend the House for the order of business."

Mr Cowen did not appear interested in the history lesson.

Eamon Gilmore was less than impressed with the replies to questions he put to Mr Cowen. "Could the Tánaiste answer the first part of the second matter and all parts of the first matter?" said an exasperated Mr Gilmore.

Mr Cowen replied: "I answered the question but if I get a smart answer I have to give Deputy Gilmore a smart answer back." Mr Gilmore, with commendable intellectual modesty, replied: "My answer was not smart." The notoriously publicity-shy Mr Cowen accused the Labour leader of "trying to get a line in the newspaper".

The Tánaiste's thoughts then turned to recent opinion polls. "Deputy Gilmore need not worry. He will achieve double digits eventually.

"He will break through that 10 per cent mark any time soon," he said. Mr Gilmore scowled at Mr Cowen's mock encouragement.

Labour's Joan Burton observed that the Tánaiste's form and good mood indicated that he must have been aware that it was St Valentine's Day.

When she went on to question him about the plight of exploited hotel workers, Mr Cowen invoked Article 49 of the EU treaty.

Ceann Comhairle John O'Donoghue was clearly intent on moving business on. "On that romantic note, we will move on to the first motion," he said.

Romantic Ireland is dead and gone; it is with O'Donoghue in the chair.