Judas outlines strategy to deal with bad press

Jerusalem 31 A.D.

A report in this week's edition of the Galilee News has sparked a bitter dispute between the local newspaper and Mr Judas Iscariot, treasurer of the Jesus campaign. Of late Mr Iscariot has also been playing a leading role in publicity for the campaign. In that context, he addressed a meeting of the core campaign group on Monday.

Jesus was absent. It was said he has withdrawn to a solitary place as news of the death of John, and the vicious rumours surrounding it, began to sink in.

At the meeting, which was attended by a reporter from the Galilee News, though few present seemed aware of that, Mr Iscariot outlined a strategy for dealing with bad publicity. He has become concerned that some actions of Jesus, as well as the company he keeps, is dragging the campaign down, he said.

He spoke "as a former journalist; one who understands the mind-set of these people", and outlined a six-point plan for "rubbishing" bad publicity.

"Remember that the truth or otherwise of a story is not important, what you must do is get the public to believe your version of events. It is not the truth but the public's perception of what is true that matters. It is essential therefore, especially if what was written is true, that you undermine the credibility of the reporter involved.

"1. Ignore the substantive truth of the story and pick on an inaccurate detail. You will always find one. Reporters deal with immense amounts of information which must be reduced to a few broad points and in very limited time. They tend therefore to generalise, and all generalisations are dangerous. Even this one!

"2. An alternative strategy is to suggest ignorance on the part of the reporter. Propose he/she misunderstood/misrepresented/did not realise/recognise the context of what was being said.

"3. Regardless of which strategy you adopt, or both, it is essential you appear mad with rage. Ring the reporter and berate him/her. Ring the editor and berate him/her. Use key words like `appalling', `outrageous', `scurillous', `unbelievable' and semi-flattering phrases such as `I cannot believe a paper of your standard could be so shoddy/ careless/reckless etc. etc.'

"Make plenty of noise. That way they begin to doubt themselves. Besides, the reporter and editor are already many stories away from your one and are dealing with further immense amounts of information. They will want to be rid of you. They don't need the hassle. Make yourself enough of a pain and they will soon agree to almost anything.

"4. Mention law and any hesitation on their part will go out the window.

"5. Insist the reporter be named in the apology/correction. That will keep him/her in line in any future dealings with you.

"6. Never let a hint of this tactic come to their attention or they will go after you tooth and nail until you're well and truly finished."

This was not received well by Jesus's friends. Peter said, "You are asking us to lie?" John said, "Jesus would never agree to this." Andrew said he didn't think Mr Iscariot should be with the campaign at all. Mr Iscariot advised them to "please, please come into the real world". The others would not agree. "This is the very sort of thing Jesus is trying to stop," said Peter.

When the report appeared in the Galilee News, Mr Iscariot rang the reporter and his editor and remonstrated with them angrily. It is understood the newspaper has been unsuccessful so far in getting comment from any of Jesus's friends on the matter. The editor, Mr Aeolus, said last night an apology was being considered for next week's edition.

Apology

We deeply regret that Patsy McGarry repeated scurrilous and wholly false rumours about the recent death of the preacher John in last week's "Jesus Report". We are entirely confident John died of natural causes, as explained by King Herod and confirmed later by doctors at the palace. As a token of our regret we have made a substantial financial contribution towards the further education in dance of Ms Salome, the king's step-daughter. It is widely agreed she has a most exquisite talent.