MIRIAM LORD'S WEEK:Private wages war on Lisbon; Finian caught out; Noel takes advice; spin doctor takes her medicine; satellite statesmen
DECLAN Ganley, the millionaire founder of anti-Lisbon treaty group Libertas, wears Willie O'Dea's underpants, which in itself, is not an offence punishable by court-martial.
Galway-based Ganley got the green y-fronts, marked "Property of the Minister for Defence", when he signed up with the Reserve Defence Forces (RDF), better known to most of us as the FCA (Free Clothes Association). He also got boots, combat fatigues, T-shirts, socks and a brush for polishing the aforementioned boots. Declan, whose personal wealth is said to be approaching the billion mark, doesn't need the brush. When you are that rich, there's no shortage of people willing to lick your boots.
However, while Gunner Ganley of the 54th Reserve Field Artillery Battery in Tuam is happy to wear Willie's clothes on parade, he refuses to muster in support of his boss's stance on the Lisbon treaty.
The public face of the rather secretive Libertas think-tank, Ganley is still listed on the "effective strength" of his unit. Consequently, as a result of his ongoing political activity, he could technically be in breach of military law.
Because he is an active member, Declan remains subject to his Oath of Allegiance to the Constitution and also to military law. Members of the Permanent Defence Forces and Reserves solemnly swear "not to join or be a member of or subscribe to any political organisation or society or any secret society whatsoever". Yesterday, an Army spokesman told us the oath is slightly different for reservists, and as long as they don't go about their activities while in training or uniform, they are generally free to do as they please. They must not, of course, use their membership to further their cause.
Military memories must be short. Was there not a time when FCA members who joined Sinn Féin were told in no uncertain terms to desist from their republican activities or face dishonourable discharge? Meanwhile, under the Defence Acts, members are explicitly prohibited from taking part in media activities or campaigns.
Again, the Army spokesman points out that these regulations are not stringently applied to the RDF volunteers. Mr Ganley, he says, has not been a regular attendee at his unit in the last year.
Interestingly though, the Libertas founder has been all over the airwaves recently, citing his membership of the Army reserve, and his fidelity to his Oath of Allegiance, when attacking critics who say his campaign for a No vote is driven by his business links with US government agencies.
A spokeswoman says Mr O'Dea is "aware of the situation". As he outranks Gunner Ganley (a humble private), Willie, in theory, could arrange a court-martial, or, at the very least, confine him to barracks until the referendum is over.
Sandbags, moneybags and drop-shorts
Reservists are known as "sandbags" by the regular Army. Gunners are known as "drop-shorts" and are notorious among the infantry for being bad shots. Accordingly, Ganley should guard against shooting himself in the foot.
Reservists who move into the permanent forces are known as "luckybags". And Gunner Ganley is what is known as a "moneybags".
Master McGrath runs with tail between legs
Finian McGrath's brazen grandstanding performances at the Oireachtas Justice Committee finally caught up with him on Thursday, when he was caught in a neat pincer movement by two exasperated colleagues and forced to flee the chamber in embarrassment.
The irrepressible deputy for Dublin North Central was ambushed by deputies Pat Rabbitte and Denis Naughten during amendments to the Immigration Bill. The Bill has been the subject of huge lobbying campaigns by a large number of interest groups.
With the public gallery packed for the hearings, the right-on Finian took to throwing shapes for the interest groups by tabling dozens upon dozens of amendments. Most of them on behalf of Sinn Féin's Aengus Ó Snodaigh, who is not a committee member.
Finian brings forward the amendment and basks in the reflected glory of Aengus, who does the advocacy.
The fact that he can't actually support any of them because he's done a deal with the Government doesn't bother Deputy McGrath in the slightest.
The gallery, meanwhile, is blissfully unaware that their hero is proposing measures he will not support, as votes are rarely called.
On Thursday, Pat Rabbitte proposed an amendment on family reunification. This concerns workers - like foreign nurses - who are encouraged to come here for jobs, but then find they can't bring their families with them.
Finian fully approved of Pat's proposals. If anything, he argued with passion while playing to the gallery, they don't go far enough.
Pat decided it was time to call Finian's bluff, so he called a vote. A red-faced Finian, tied to his deal, had to vote against the proposal.
Next was an amendment in the name of Fine Gael's Denis Naughten, but also in the name of one deputy Finian McGrath. The mischievous Denis called another vote. The Government's majority was slim. Fianna Fáil's Thomas Byrne approached Finian and fevered negotiations followed.
Eventually, a sheepish-looking McGrath grabbed his briefcase and ran out of the room. Deputies fell around the place.
"I've never seen the like of it before - someone not supporting their own amendment!" marvelled Pat Rabbitte.
Yesterday, Finian tried to explain his actions by saying he had to leave to attend a meeting with "a Civic Society Group from Colombia, they are over here pushing for a Colombian peace process."
But he quickly crumbled. "To have 200 amendments and not to be able to support them. I suppose you could call it my Terence Flanagan moment. Pat and Denis ambushed me by calling my bluff. It was a bit embarrassing all right. Hands up. I got caught. I don't mind. I've a sense of humour. Don't forget to put in a picture of me."
Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern recently cruelly wrenched from the rarefied realm of Foreign Affairs and a scheduled trip to Peru, had to sit through the 707 amendments.
His sense of humour may not have been so tickled.
Dempsey makes peace with Opposition
Still on amendments, full marks to Minister for Transport Noel Dempsey for his lack of partisanship when steering legislation through the Oireachtas.
Some Ministers can't bear to take on board suggestions from members of the Opposition. Although in the brave new world of Biffo, it seems such co-operation will be welcome.
In the Seanad this week, rookie FG Senator Paschal Donohoe submitted a number of amendments to the Dublin Transport Authority Bill. Three of them were accepted by the Minister, and he indicated he would take a further three into account.
"I had put in about 25 amendments, and to my utter amazement, he accepted three. It's the first time I did anything like that - submitting amendments. I had to ask him about it afterwards, because I was a bit taken aback," says a delighted Paschal. "It's made my week."
Mr Dempsey told the young senator that his submissions had been clear and well thought through.
Watch out, Noel, such open-mindedness might get you into trouble.
FF spinner admits soundbite bit Bertie
Former government press secretary Mandy Johnston has never been one for the limelight. She stays in the shadows while her charges get on with the public art of politics.
This morning, Mandy breaks the habit of a lifetime and talks on RTÉ Radio 1 to Eamon Dunphy, a long-time acquaintance.
She tells how she felt Bertie Ahern shouldn't have done that famous interview with Bryan Dobson in September 2006, and how she would have preferred him to make his statement to the Dáil. But Bertie wanted to do it.
"The interview at that time worked very well. It did the job," she says, tacitly acknowledging that it eventually came back to bite him.
As the first female government press secretary, she fought and lost a libel action against the Irish Daily Star in 2004. "I accepted the decision, I never complained about it, I paid my bill, I moved on." Ms Johnston would not have been everyone's favourite press secretary.
"I wasn't there to make me popular," she tells Dunphy. "I was there to make a politician popular or explain a politician's policy. I had no interest in endearing myself to journalists. I'm not afraid of the media . . . it would be wrong to say that on occasion it didn't get personal. Of course, it got personal, on occasion." Of which, according to the anecdotal evidence, there were quite a few.
She also discusses the pressures she was under as communications director for Fianna Fáil during the last election. "A very difficult situation developed with the press, an unhealthy division between Fianna Fáil and the press. I think we were frustrated because we couldn't get our message across, and we couldn't get our message out because of the obsession with the tribunal . . . Things got easier after the TV debate. We knew once we were in a position to put Bertie Ahern up against Enda Kenny in that environment, people would see this man was the one to take us forward. That Sunday, there was a set of opinion polls: Fianna Fáil had gone up five points."
Paisley and Kitt prepared to take off
Are retired politicians becoming the human equivalent of space junk? The heavens above us resemble one big scrap-metal yard, with defunct satellites, spent rockets and all sorts of debris from space stations orbiting the earth.
Once upon a time, these shiny bits of junk were special and important, heading for the stars and dazzling the little people down below. Now they have reached their use-by date and float aimlessly around the Earth, bumping into each other and creating a possible hazard for passing space craft.
Depending how certain tribunal matters work out for him, former taoiseach Bertie Ahern might soon be blasting off for the lecture circuit with his Peace Process and Celtic Tiger roadshow. As he travels the globe, he will join a growing band of former presidents, prime ministers and high profile politicians, endlessly orbiting the world with their anecdotes.
Now Ian Paisley is positioning himself on the launch pad.
He may be stepping down as the North's First Minister but we haven't heard the last of him.
On a visit to Dublin this week, he revealed that he had received an invitation to visit China from one of the country's provincial governments which he hopes to take up at some future date.
The sprightly 82-year-old is also very well known in Canada. It has been suggested he could become a part-time roving ambassador, promoting investment in Northern Ireland. Subject to the approval of the Assembly in Belfast, he's not averse to the idea.
Big Ian feels there are opportunities for attracting investment from Australia, a place he has visited many times.
"We'll not get jobs from Australia the same as from America but, I mean, we're already going to get some jobs from India." If he heads for Africa, Dr Paisley might bump into another orbiting politician.
Fianna Fáil's Tom Kitt, the party chief whip who was given the elbow by Brian Cowen last week, wants to do a bit of travelling too. Speaking during a Dáil motion on Zimbabwe, Tom said an international observer mission with a strong EU dimension is essential for Zimbabwe.
"I would be happy to participate in any such observer mission if such an arrangement can be facilitated," said Tom, making a spirited pitch for a seat on the plane.