THAT'S MEN:IT STRUCK ME the other day, halfway between the front door and the bins, that I'm never going to find the answer. The answer to what? Life, the universe and everything? No, I gave up seeking the answer to that conundrum when I was a teenager.
I’m talking about that endless list of challenges that faces us all every day: the to-do list, the appliances that break down and the endless demands for still more money from insurance companies, utility providers and the State in its many guises.
Until that moment of revelation by the bins (not quite St Paul on the road to Damascus, I’m afraid) I nourished the hope that there was a way to get, with reasonable efficiency, through the torrent of tasks that faced me and that I might even be able to develop a Zen-like attitude to the insurance companies, electricity companies, State agents of all varieties and their demands.
I hoped to be like that man whose headstone read: “Got everything done – died anyway.” At least he died with a clean sheet.
But then my moment of revelation came. I will never handle my to-do list effectively, much less get to the end of it. Appliances will go on breaking down. Insurance companies, utility providers and the State will continue to extract money from me under threat.
I’m like the alcoholic who admits he is powerless to beat his addiction. But the alcoholic has a Higher Power to call on. I am on my own.
It’s not all gloom. In the Depression on My Mind blog, Christine Stapleton writes about accepting the fact that what she calls “The List” never ends.
Bad things happen, she writes, and they always will, “whether it’s your ceiling caving in or a terminal illness. It’s nothing personal. It sucks, but it’s life. I learned, very slowly, that the antidote to what seemed like unrelenting bad fortune is acceptance.”
She doesn’t quite spell out what acceptance looks like, but I suppose it’s something to do with admitting to yourself that whether you’re cheerful or glum, you’re never going to beat the system, so why not cultivate a little cheer?
As I write this, a man comes to mind who was very busy, but was always cheerful and always had time to talk. Moreover, he kept a clean desk. All of us assumed he was dreadfully efficient and we wished we knew his secret.
When he left for greater things, it turned out he had been no more efficient than anybody else and had left unfinished (even unstarted) projects behind him.
At the time, he fell in my estimation. Now I realise I was wrong. He had not cracked the mystery of how to do more work than you’re able to do, because that particular mystery cannot be cracked.
He had managed something more admirable: the ability to be relaxed, cheerful and charming, even as unfinished tasks piled up behind him. I don’t know where he is today, but if I did I would happily campaign to have his face put on a stamp.
After all, he had discovered the essential truth that you can do what you can do and no more. After that, it’s time to shrug and have a laugh.
Addendum:Further evidence of the importance of fathers, especially for teenage boys, comes from the University of Melbourne. The mere presence of a father figure in the household makes boys less likely to engage in risky or delinquent behaviour, the researchers found. This beneficial effect existed regardless of whether there was a lot of interaction between the father and son.
The presence of the father figure seems to create a sense of security, which stands to the child in the future. The same effect was not found in relation to girls. This might be because boys are more likely to engage in risky behaviour in the first place. Go to bit.ly/melbournedads for more.
Padraig O’Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is accredited as a counsellor by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book,
Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living
, is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail.