Rather than grand gestures, it is the simple everyday kindnesses that make the biggest difference to our relationships, writes JOHN SHARRY.
Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least– Goethe
LEADING LIFE coach Stephen Covey uses the metaphor of a bank account to describe emotional closeness and trust in intimate relationships. A deposit is made each time you share a moment of connection with your partner, when you enjoy each other’s company or when you simply listen to one another. A withdrawal is made each time you do not listen to what your partner says, or when you criticise or are negative, or if either of you feels let down by the other.
Sometimes we make major deposits in our relationship bank accounts, for example when you do something special that matters a lot to someone, and sometimes we make major withdrawals, for example when we let someone down on an issue of importance for them.
Covey says the key to happy relationships is to make sure you are always in credit and never overdrawn. All relationships involve conflict or are under strain from time to time and what helps couples get through these difficult moments is the quality of their relationship. To use the banking metaphor, strains and conflicts can be significant withdrawals from our relationship and need to be compensated by regular and frequent positive deposits.
This concept has resonance with recent research into relationships. As mentioned in this column last week, marriage and relationship researcher John Gottman estimates the ratio of positive to negative experiences in relationships needs to be about five to one to ensure happiness and satisfaction – this means we have to find ways of making more deposits than withdrawals in our relationship bank account with our partner.
Gottman says it is during the nitty-gritty of everyday life that making such positive connections in relationships matters most. During his studies, the research team closely observed hundreds of couples in their everyday interaction and they found an interesting pattern that was linked to levels of contentment in the relationship.
Rather than grand gestures, it was simple everyday connections that seemed to make the difference. A typical pattern might be as follows: one person might be reading the newspaper when their partner might approach them and ask a question like, “would you like a cup of tea?” or “have you seen where the magazine is?” The person has a number of choices in how they respond, such as looking up and taking a moment to answer the question or rolling their eyes and snapping that they are busy or simply ignoring and not responding at all. Unsurprisingly, only the first response benefits the relationship, with the other two having a negative effect. The couples who tended to more regularly respond to their partner’s request for attention were the ones who were most content.
Of course, this does not mean you have to always positively respond to your partner’s request for attention, but it is the frequency and accumulation of small acts of consideration and attention that make the difference. If you ignore or respond negatively to an initiative from them, you had better be sure there are many other times you respond positively to compensate, to ensure they feel happy and content in the relationship.
This might all seem like common sense and easy to do, especially for people who feel their relationship is going well. However, this all becomes harder when your relationship is under strain or when you become disconnected from your partner. When our relationship is under strain, we tend to interpret simple requests from our partner in a negative light. For example, if they ask us to do something such as make the tea when we are busy, we think: “Can’t they see I am busy?” or “why do I always have to make the tea?” or “why are they so selfish?” This leads us to respond negatively, or even not at all.
It is at these difficult times that learning to respond positively and turning towards our partner matters the most and makes the most difference. Often this requires us to shift our thinking and to see our partner’s requests for attention as something positive, or in the best possible light. We need to remind ourselves it is always best to focus on attending to the relationship first and arguing about the issue or request second.
The couples who stayed positively connected in the everyday or who could reconnect positively after a row – usually in a simple way – possessed the skills of making their relationship successful and happy in the long term. Rather than grand gestures of love, it seems the small simple and daily acts of care and consideration, kindness and attention make the most difference to the quality of our relationships. Couples who learn to relate positively and attend to one another in the nitty-gritty of everyday life are the ones who are most successful and happy.
In simple terms, listening to news of your partner’s day or acknowledging their feelings or displaying kindness are more important than expensive gifts or gestures that might come too late after a long period of neglect.
CULTIVATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WHAT MATTERS MOST
Each person is unique. What really matters to people in a relationship is different from person to person. For example, for one partner being on time is really a big deal and a sign of respect, for another this might not be such an issue at all.
Using the bank account metaphor, what counts as a positive deposit in a relationship for one person is different for another.
-Think about what are the important things for your partner in your relationship.
- What daily things between you mean a lot to them?
- How can you make sure to do these more frequently?
THE POWER OF ATTENTION
It is usually simple acts of care and consideration, kindness and attention that lead to happy and successful relationships. By making sure we respond when it matters, we can transform our relationship
Notice the amount of times your partner makes a request for your attention.
- When, where and how does this happen?
- In particular, note how many times you respond positively and attentively.
- Now make an effort to increase the number of times you respond positively. Continue this for one week and note how you both feel about the relationship at the end of the week.
ESTABLISHING A DAILY CONNECTION
Ensuring you connect on a daily basis is key to maintaining good relationships. Relationships suffer when we stop sharing everyday news and details and perhaps start telling other people instead. This often happens if we are tired or busy with work or for other reasons and it takes a bit of effort to reverse it.
- Make sure you have a daily chatting time with your partner as part of your routine that you keep sacred.
- When something significant happens to you, or when have good or bad news, make a point of always telling your partner first and ensuring they are the first person to hear about it.
John Sharry is an author, psychotherapist and life coach and will be giving a talk on ‘The Secret of Happy Relationships and Marriages’ in Dublin on September 22nd – see solutiontalk.ie