Breaking sad news

ASK THE EXPERT The death of a family pet is often the first experience many of us have about death, writes David Coleman

ASK THE EXPERTThe death of a family pet is often the first experience many of us have about death, writes David Coleman

I HAVE THREE kids under six and they all adore the family dog, Rusty. Rusty is sadly getting old and has developed cancer. I know this is a very sad question, but we brought Rusty to the vet last week and she said the best thing to do is to put Rusty out of his misery. How do I break this news to the children?

Honesty is often the best policy with sad news as well as happy news.

Given that you know that Rusty will inevitably die either of natural causes or with assistance then you would be wise to let your children know how sick he is and that he will die soon.

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Then wait a week to let this news begin to hit home (the reality of death, of course, won't be tangible for your children yet). Then, organise for your children to be minded elsewhere and take Rusty to the vet to put him out of his pain.

I'm a believer in letting children see animals that have died, before removing or burying the remains. Even though it can be a very painful experience for everyone in the family, it will at least be a shared experience.

All of the children and yourselves will see that Rusty has indeed died and so when he is then gone it will make more sense.

As you try to explain that he is dead, avoid using phrases like "he is sleeping forever now". This kind of phrase often confuses children who can then get anxious themselves about falling asleep (in case they don't wake up).

Describe death, practically, about how Rusty's heart has stopped beating and so he can't breathe and move any more. If it fits with your own beliefs, you might like to describe how his body is dead but his spirit may well continue in a doggy heaven.

Don't be afraid of letting your children feel the sadness. They may indeed feel bereft and distraught. This is a time for lots of comfort and reassurance that at least Rusty isn't hurting any more, but that of course everyone misses him terribly.

Your children may cry long and loud but this is a very good and natural thing. The death of pets is often the first experience many of us have of death and can be a powerfully good learning experience as we go through the grief and come out the other side.

My wife obsessively mothers my children, so much so that I feel they are spoilt. She gives them everything they want. They're aged seven and 10 and I'm really afraid that they will end up being horrible little people. Any advice?

Your term "obsessively mothers my children" is interesting on several levels. Firstly, the obsessive nature you describe sounds worrying in as much as it suggests that she hasn't separated from them, or let them separate from her. This is not ideal.

Secondly, you describe them as "my children" and that suggests that there is a very serious disconnection between you and your wife in terms of how you perceive, or not, your shared responsibility and shared role regarding your children.

I would guess that you feel alienated and disempowered in your role to provide fathering in conjunction with your wife's mothering.

You have an opportunity to bring fatherly balance to the family relationships but you don't feel able to use it. I wonder why that is?

Your task, then, is to find a way to open up a conversation with your wife about how you do the joint parenting bit. No parent, within a couple, has all of the parenting answers or should take all of the parenting decisions.

I'd guess that not everything your wife does is wrong, bad or unhelpful for your children's development.

So blaming and complaining alone will not increase your chances of being more influential in rearing your children.

It will, in fact, only drive a deeper wedge between you and probably leave you both feeling more distant in relation to the children.

You need to recognise that your wife's "obsessive" mothering comes from a good place and a desire to do the best for the children. So, with this as an understood starting point, you can then suggest that some of her behaviour might be unhelpful.

Giving older children everything they want is a recipe for disaster as they grow up with a belief that they can do what they want, when they want and how they want. They tend to have little respect for people or things and know the cost of everything but the value of nothing. Discipline too becomes a nightmare.

Talk about these issues with your wife, row about them if you need to. Then work to reach a compromise that allows some of your separate values and beliefs about how to be a parent to become shared values about parenting.

• David Coleman is a clinical pyschologist and author of Parenting is Child's Play. He recently presented 21st Century Child on RTÉ 1 television

• Readers' queries are welcome, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie

www.davidcoleman.ie