HEART BEAT:Dancing is something to do with co-ordinating steps with the music, if that's any good to you, writes MAURICE NELIGAN.
DEAR BARACK,
You don’t know me, but I thought I would write to you because there is a strong bond between us.
Apparently, the First Lady of the United States shares with my Highest Authority a poor opinion of our capabilities on the dance floor and has shared these with the public at large.
I understand this upset you. I know exactly how you feel. I think it’s something about co-ordinating the music with the steps if that’s any help to you.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it, women can be quite insensitive about these things and we’re not meant to have feelings. In any case I’m sure you’ll have lots of other things to do.
Meanwhile, Barack, don’t be worrying about us over here in Ireland. We’re doing fine and we’re even going to restore your ancestral castle in Moneygall.
In fact, the citizens of the town are considering bestowing the ultimate Irish accolade upon you and naming a pub in your honour. That’s some metropolis you spring from Mr President.
According to PW Joyce in his seminal work Irish Names of Places, Moneygall translated from the original Irish means "shrubbery of the strangers". Sounds a bit odd that, maybe it's a prophecy of some sort.
Why your Kearney ancestor left such a fascinating place is not quite clear. There is an Irish song which may throw some light on this conundrum;
For sure’s me name is Kearney
I’ll be off to Californey
And instead of digging praties
I’ll be digging lumps of gold.
This was written by the late Peadar Kearney, composer of our National Anthem and uncle of Brendan Behan. God knows who else you might be related to.
It gets better. Apparently further back one of your ancestors was Michael Kearney who ran a prosperous wig-making business in Dublin in the 1700s.
He also had extensive property interests. He is reputed to have banked with Anglo Irish bank.
It all went belly up at the time of the great property crash brought about by the Act of Union in 1800 and at the same time wigs went out of fashion. He possibly fled his creditors and wound up in Moneygall; like the way the lads now wind up in Lichtenstein or the Bahamas.
Before disaster struck he had found time to become Master of the Dublin guild of Barber Surgeons. That’s my crowd, Mr President, only now they call themselves the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland.
I maybe shouldn’t have put that bit in Barack, because they’ll probably be after you now for a few dollars. They’d get blood out of a stone that lot!
Moneygall, when your folks left wouldn’t have been exactly a barrel of laughs. It had 76 houses and 379 people in King’s County (Offaly now, since we got rid of the Brits) and near the border with Tipperary. There were three fairs a year and there was a police station. That’s about it, so it’s not surprising the wanderlust stirred.
I am a regular bird of passage through the town on my way to Kerry and have been known to stop there. They’ve got a bit of work to do to spruce it up a bit for your expected visit.
By chance, the town lies in the fiefdom of our Chief Elf, Brian the Bold, or as some begrudgers call him "Biffo the Bad". Be duly respectful Barack, this great figure earns more than you and is renowned throughout the land for his fairy stories. In fact, Moneygall could well be chosen as the situation for his library which will contain the complete collection of fairy tales from his party and will in time rival the Book of Kells. It is simply titled Tales from the Tent.
There is a little problem. This concerns medical facilities. The local dispensary was established in 1826 and the primary care is provided by the GP practice; the backbone of Irish medicine.
If some minor ailment strikes one of your group, you’ll be grand. If something more serious, God forbid, should happen, then there’s a difficulty.
The nearest hospital is in a town called Nenagh in Co Tipperary. It is a typical Irish county hospital serving the surrounding countryside well over very many years. Now however, the mandarins responsible for mangling our health service have decreed that meaningful activity should cease in such hospitals, piously evoking patient safety as the cause.
“Centres of excellence” were to be established in the general vicinity to accommodate patients displaced from downgraded local hospitals. It all sounded very logical.
Solemn undertakings were given that no diminution of the existing service would take place until the replacement facilities were in place both regarding the number of beds and the services required to get the patients to this paragon hospital and also to care for them in the community after discharge.
They lied of course and the new beds and facilities are not in place. They are promised for the end of 2010 or 2011 or whenever. Given the state of our economy, 2050 is just possible. You couldn’t put off your visit for a while or maybe bring your own hospital?
Remember Barack at the beginning of the letter I said we were doing fine here. Well, I lied too and if by any chance you had a few billion dollars lying handy, you might bring them along.
Wishing you success in the new job and sorry for the beál bocht bit at the end.
I remain yours in friendship,
Muiris
- Maurice Neligan is a cardiac surgeon