THAT'S MEN:The Government could stimulate the economy by providing grants towards building doghouses for the men of the nation, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN.
SOME TIME ago I observed that the institution known as the “doghouse” is inhabited mainly by men who have offended the women in their lives.
This annoyed some female readers but not many. To those who were annoyed I can only apologise for returning to the subject.
Return I must, though, because I have had a Big Idea. My Big Idea is for the Government to stimulate the economy by providing grants towards building doghouses for the men of the nation.
Currently if one is “in the doghouse” one must share living accommodation with the offended party. This can be uncomfortable for both.
How much more civilised it would be to provide a purpose-built doghouse so that the man could do his time with some degree of dignity.
The doghouse could be like one of those wooden structures people get built in the garden to provide office space, a playroom or an affordable home for the children.
But it would not be a shed. It would be proper living accommodation and you would not, of course, call it a doghouse. “The Club House” would, I suggest, be a more agreeable name for this line of accommodation.
Our doghouse would need certain amenities. Here are a few that come to mind immediately:
Wi fi internet access: Needless to say, the world does not stop revolving just because the man is in the doghouse. One must keep in touch with friends on Twitter, Facebook and so on, not to mention checking business e-mails occasionally.
Treadmill: A small treadmill will enable the banished man to leave the doghouse healthier than when he went into it. Without this and other facilities the man is forced to spend his exile in the pub.
Separate entrance: Talking of the pub, a door or gate at the end of the garden would be desirable. This would enable the man to go for a modest pint without having to pass under the baleful gaze of his partner. The doghouse should have a back door to allow the man to make his way to the separate entrance with dignity.
A George Foreman: Here the man can lessen any potential harm from eating lots of fries, allowing the fat to run off before the food gets on his plate. Moreover, the George provides a safe means of doing fry-ups on coming home from the pub. Should there be any concerns about putting on weight the treadmill (see above) will deal with these.
Flatscreen TV with satellite dish: A flatscreen TV mounted on the wall of the shed, er, doghouse will conserve space. A discreetly placed satellite dish will provide access to documentaries and religious affairs programmes.
Insulation: As I write this the snow is bucketing down outside and it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that it’s still bucketing down as you read it. So insulation is vital. This should be covered separately by the insulation grant the Government is thinking up.
An escape bag: Years ago when Carrolls, the tobacco company, was looking to diversify, it went into the luxury goods business for a time. One of its more memorable items, which you could get by mail order, was an “escape bag”. This was a bag which you, or the butler, would stock with provisions so that you could make a quick getaway to do a spot of pheasant shooting or the like.
I never did see any of these escape bags around – perhaps we were too backward at the time. But clearly an escape bag is a valuable accessory for the doghouse. The escape bag, hidden at the back of a wardrobe perhaps, could be stocked with a naggin of Paddy, a tin of corned beef, chocolate, the Bumper Book of Simplex Crosswords and such like.
On being banished to the doghouse, the man simply has to retrieve his escape bag and he is ready to commence his period of isolation in style.
Grant-aiding the installation of doghouses for the men of the nation would provide much needed jobs in the carpentry, construction and household supplies sectors of the economy.
The only problem would be keeping the women out of the Club Houses during periods of harmony in the relationship. If you let them in, they’ll turn it into a utility room and you’ll be back where you started.
Padraig O’Morain is a counsellor.