It's not easy being Santa, what with overheating under your pillow, keeping your beard attached – and perfecting your 'ho ho ho'. BRIAN O'CONNELLgot inside the suit at Santa School
‘I’M HERE for the Santa school,” I whisper to Tom Randles, who is manning the reception in Randles Court Hotel in Killarney. Tom points me to an elegant drawing room, where several large armchairs are arranged around a roaring fire. In the background, Bing Crosby is singing White Christmas, cookies and scones fill a nearby table, and the sign on the door reads “North Pole Meeting”.
At the top of the room, Santa instructor Andrew Joy is busy handing out leaflets and scribbling on a flip chart, under the heading “SANTA RULES”. I’m handed a large pair of red overalls, a jacket, black boots with white fur, a pillow, large white beard and a hat. Seated around the fire are six Santas, some of whom have been in Santa school before, but for others, like me, it’s day one.
The group is here preparing for Christmas in Killarney, an annual free festival in the Kerry town which has a Santa grotto and several other large attractions. Joy has been teaching novice Santas for the past four years, instructing them on everything from how to perfect their “ho ho ho” to how to respond to sustained beard tugging.
“I can’t understate the importance of a good quality uniform, clean, washed suits, full flowing beards, hats and the customary glasses,” Joy tells us. “If you find the glasses fogging up, a good trick is to take the glass out or use a demisting wipe every so often.”
I’VE BEEN SITTING by the fire for about five minutes and already the heat is beginning to get uncomfortable. Wearing a fur-lined suit and boots may make sense in the North Pole, where temperatures reach freezing point and below, but I’m guessing Mrs Claus didn’t bank on gas-fired central heating or instant log fires when she first made Santa’s suit. Coupled with the heavy suit, having a large pillow stuffed down your pants isn’t the most aero-dynamic way of keeping cool.
The other thing, and I hope I’m not sounding too much like a nagging Nicholas here, is how difficult it is to eat a cookie through a full-flowing beard. Crumbs have a habit of getting everywhere, but I guess that’s where Santa’s little elves earn their keep.
Andrew Joy, who started working as Santa while in university, takes us through the all-important “ho ho ho”. While some of the participants are older and have naturally matured voices, for 22-year-old Diarmuid Brosnan and myself, the voice is a bit of a challenge. Joy tells us not to lose sight of the fact that the “ho ho ho” is, in fact, a deep hearty laugh and should be treated as such. He asks for a volunteer, and retail worker Paul Sherry duly delivers a low, deep, warm “ho ho ho”. We nod and pat our beards in approval.
“Now, if Santa has a bad knee, there are some good tips for taking the pressure off the same point,” Joy tells us, by way of explaining how best to sit children on Santa’s lap. “The easiest way is to sit across your knee, and the classic photo is where you place the child on one knee and put your hand on your other one, with a closed fist. Swap knees around if it gets a little uncomfortable.” Arthritic Santas take note then.
“And what about the dreaded beard tuggers?” I ask. “You have to be protective,” says Joy, “and a lot of toddlers will want to feel the beard so a defensive hand will prevent a lot of tugging. Also, if your beard is pulled out of shape, remember that you have an elf there to assist and rearrange you.”
Brendan Sullivan, a farmer from near Killarney who has been Santa volunteer for five years, made a valid point in light of the recent drink-driving controversy. “This year, I think it’s better if Santa asks for a glass of milk. I mean, if he was to have a glass of Guinness in every house, he’d be way over the limit.”
THE OTHER CONCERN of course, given that this is Killarney, is whether or not the elves in the North Pole will be able to make dung catchers for Santa’s reindeers in time? If not, the local authority may have something to say about the Christmas Eve fly over.
With the class coming to an end, Joy fires some last-minute questions at us: “What is Mrs Claus’s full name?” “Name all the reindeer?” “Why does Santa come down the chimney?”
Farmer Alan Kelleher says that often Santa can have as much fun with parents as he can with the children. “The year before last, I had a very attractive mother sit on my knee and all the family were there and it was a bit of craic. Last year, we visited a local factory and a fairly large man sat on my lap. I said to myself, ‘I must have lost my appeal in the 12 months’.”
Finally, I ask Joy what makes a good Santa. “I think the important thing is there needs to be a natural willingness to engage with the part and not show any signs of reluctance. A fondness for children and a caring nature are also handy.
“Of course, the other thing that might be relevant, particularly in the current climate, is that Santa is a willing worker. You never hear him complain about the working conditions or the long hours.”
For more information on the festival, see christmasinkillarney.com
Santa school: Top Tips
- Dye your eyebrows white. There's nothing worse than white wig and beard and big black eyebrows.
- Get demister spray for your glasses or take the glass out. It's easy to get fogged up
- Bring a small towel for any accidents . . . Kids can get very excited at seeing Santa – and of course to help combat perspiration
- Never promise what you can't deliver. If it seems too big, ask for alternatives.
- When your job is done, don't hang around. Make like the Lone Ranger and leave.
