Stop, look and - most important - listen carefully

What is this life so full of care, we do not take the time to stop and stare - and listen!

How many times have we found ourselves in a situation that we misread and end up having an argument about nothing. It is extraordinary how if we don't listen properly, we can totally misinterpret what a child is trying to tell us.

If we listen closely, we can usually find out what the child is really feeling inside. Then, when you really understand how a person is feeling, you can have better empathy with their pain, confusion and needs.

Okay, we know we should listen - and we try, we really do. But it is easier said than done. Life is so busy, and they tend to need you to listen at the most awkward times: when you are rushing out the door or when you are full of stress and anxieties yourself.

Even so, it is so important that we do listen. We have to make an active decision to switch off from our own cares and worries, tune into theirs and listen.

When we listen we should not be in too much of a hurry to give advice, however sympathetic. Perhaps a child just wants to air feelings or make sense of confusing emotions. The only people children can truly trust with these mixed-up emotions are those who love them.

In just listening, you may help them to work things out for themselves, or simply make them feel better because they know you care.

There are many ways to listen better.

Try not to speak too much. If you say things like "but there is no need for you to feel like that", it only makes her feel worse, because that is the way she feels. Sometimes her feelings may be irrational and illogical to you - but they are her feelings - just accept them.

Instead you could say something like "I am sorry you feel that way, because . . ." Sometimes there maybe no need for you to say more than "Oh . . . I see . . . Hmmm".

Eye-to-eye contact is very important to show you are truly listening. Get down to their level, kneeling if needs be. Remember how you feel if someone is not looking at you as you speak.

Sometimes actions speaks louder than words; a loving touch or tender cuddle or hug will help a child express her fears more readily while gaining comfort from your loving caress. There are lots of feelings we have that are difficult to express, and touching helps.

Silence is golden, especially when you are dying to express your views on a certain subject. Bite your tongue - an emotional child may just not need to hear your views on the subject just as she is pouring her heart out to you. She has the floor: listen up!

If you are not sure of your child's feelings or what she is trying to convey, it may be worth repeating some of her own words back to her or reflecting her emotions; for example, "So, you are unhappy with Michael."

Other phrases that may be useful for listening and understanding just what the child is trying to convey are:

"You seem unhappy about . . ."

"I heard you say . . . Am I right?"

"Let me see if I understand . . ."

"What do you mean exactly by that?"

"Is that really the way it is?"

"What will you feel then?" "Why? . . . What? . . . How? . . . I wonder why . . ."

Ask yourself a few questions.

Who is your child's favourite friend? What is his favourite toy, outing, story, video, game? Have you been listening?

If you really feel you are too busy or are in the middle of doing something and really cannot listen at that time, be truthful. "I am sorry, I just can't listen fully at the moment and I really would like to know what happened. Can we talk about it when I have finished in say, half an hour, and I can listen properly then."

Be observant. There are times when our children really need to be listened to. We as parents must look out for the signs even before we start to listen actively. Be sensitive to what is going on inside of them. If they come home in a sulk, if they immediately "snap at a sister" when coming in, or have an over-reacting outburst ("I hate you!"), don't say "What's up with you?"

Make a private time together where you can both sit and talk and listen. These words and actions mean someone is hurting and needs to be listened to.

We all need to learn to listen; practice does make better, if not perfect. We can all get better at evaluating the importance of the message our child is trying to convey.

Relax as you are listening - it should not be hard work. Be genuine and open; really try to understand how they feel. Show that caring in your eyes, and don't move around or keep shifting position. A closed body with crossed arms and legs can be the sign of a closed mind. Be as honest and open as you can. If you do not understand and get the "wrong end of the stick", apologise and explain why. Always respect and acknowledge your child's words even if you do not agree with them.

The bigger a family gets, the more the listening time needs to be shared. It is a great idea to have a weekly family meeting, at which each member of the family gets equal time to share problems or high spots with the family listening. Make sure each person gets a turn to speak and the others listen.

Remind yourself that you are doing something very valuable: you are making your child feel she is important to you and helping her self-esteem grow.

Remember, it is always quicker and more humane to listen carefully than to listen badly, especially in the long term.