Sleep, the final frontier - where no one goes, for months, even years, when babies start arriving in the house. Out of nowhere, it becomes an obsession. Parents are driven to desperate measures to get there, and before you know it, three consecutive hours of sleep is a triumph beyond your wildest dreams - if you had dreams any more, that is.
Life evolves around that one great moment you yearn for: when they start to "go through the night". Fortunately reassurance is at hand - everyone you meet will assure you it won't be long until you're all enjoying at least eight hours' blissful, luxurious sleep.
" `Wait 'til he's six weeks' became `eight weeks', then `three months'," laughs Charlotte Somers, mother of Michael, who is three-and-a-half months old and still waking through the night for a feed. "Now it's `wait 'til he's on solids, he'll sleep more'! "At the moment the most I can expect is about three hours. You get different advice all over the place on how to get them to sleep, but at the end of the day the baby runs the show and you just have to go with the flow."
However, you might have to go with the flow for quite a long time. Sandra Dunne has a 16-month-old boy, Hal, who wakes frequently during the night and rarely goes for naps during the day. "He's just gone to sleep this minute", she beams. "He doesn't really have a routine, but it would go something like this most days: 10 p.m. he goes to bed - and I go with him! He wakes up at about 12.30 a.m. for a feed, sleeps for about two more hours, between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. he wakes up on and off, then until 9 a.m. he sleeps solidly."
Increasingly both parents have to get up in the morning to go to work and, at the very least, a reasonable night's sleep is essential.
Sometimes parents can't take it any more, but it is possible to train your baby to sleep. There are several books explaining how, including The New Baby and Toddler Sleep Programme by Dr John Pearce and Jane Bidder. Like most such volumes, this book is informed by the leave-baby-to-cry-but-with-large-doses-of-reassurance approach. If there are no signs of discomfort, ill health or something seriously wrong, crying is normal and healthy, Pearce says. With that in mind, he sets out the three-day sleeping plan, which offers "at least 80 per cent chance of improvement". Then there is a whole other school of thought, which asserts the importance of responding to crying babies and children as a means of creating a sense of security. A book along these lines, by Dr William Sears, is Nighttime Parenting.
It is very hard to know what to do. Parents are forever finding themselves caught up in a suffocating state of guilt and worry.
Margaret McGuigan is a leader and spokeswoman with La Leche League, which offers support and advice on breast feeding and parenting. "Each situation is different," she says. "Some parents find having the baby in the bed helps them all to sleep, some prefer baby in a different room. "Some find bottle-feeding quite disruptive, some find babies sleep longer. Others find that while you may have to breastfeed more often, if the baby is in the bed with you you hardly even notice when they wake to feed.
"A lot depends on the baby's age. A young breastfed baby will wake up frequently to feed, that's quite normal. Older babies may wake up just to reassure themselves you are there. Women who've just returned to work may find their babies wake up at night because they know that's the one time they can be assured of having their mothers' company! "On the other hand, if your baby is waking up a lot during the night and you've tried various solutions, there may be a small medical problem, and it is no harm checking with your doctor.
"The bottom line is there are no hard and fast rules about how and when babies should sleep - but if it is a problem for you, it's a problem. We have very stressful lives nowadays, and our culture places such emphasis on a night's sleep. Catch up on sleep whenever you can. "Also, your attitude can make all the difference to how you feel. Sometimes accepting the lack of sleep can actually make it easier - although acceptance doesn't come immediately!"
Both Sandra and Charlotte have found that attitude makes all the difference. "You cope by being positive," Sandra says. "I remind myself he's only a baby and he won't be like this forever. "Sometimes you do feel overwhelmed, but you just have to go right inside yourself and calm down. I talk to my friends, and just getting it off your chest and hearing how other people manage is reassuring. "Then I might go out and buy something, even a small thing that costs 50p, but just something that's a treat to myself and makes me feel better."
According to Charlotte, a new perspective on what constitutes an "achievement" also helps. "If I get the dishes done, I've had a brilliant day!
"I'm lucky because I'm not working at the moment, my husband can get up with the baby when he's not away at work, and I don't have any other children. "Still, it's very tiring. You have to keep telling yourself, and everyone around you, that you actually have a very demanding, full-time job. And it that will get easier."
