Marie's seven-year-old daughter Katie burst into tears as she got in the door from school. Her teacher had given out about her messy writing, and said she might have to go back to first class, even to senior infants.

Katie was desperately upset at the idea of leaving her best friend, and being thought a baby - and nothing could convince her that her teacher hadn't really meant what she said.

Marie and her husband were raging, but not sure what to do next. "It was early in the school year, and we didn't want to be `running to the teacher' over every little thing, didn't want to make a fuss." Having talked to friends, some of them teachers themselves, she decided she should act. The teacher understood the problem, and made a point of being encouraging to the child in the following weeks. And Marie is relieved that she had overcome her initial reluctance to say something.

"If I hadn't gone up, I would have hated that teacher. I would never bad-mouth a teacher to my child, of course - she's in school with that teacher for most of the year, after all. But now I feel much better about the whole thing."

How many parents let school situations that bother them or their children slide, because they don't "want to make a fuss"? Situations that can range from the minor and mildly upsetting to the more worrying (a large number of children in one class doing badly, say, in an important subject like maths because of a teacher's weakness in that subject) to the throughly unacceptable (a school turning a blind eye to bullying).

Of course the majority of teachers prefer parents to raise problems early and sort them out. But what if the problem isn't solved as amicably and speedily as Marie's was? What if a teacher is friendly but the problem isn't solved? In one situation, four mothers whose eightyear-olds were spending two-and-a-half hours on homework every night found nothing had changed after each had separately discussed the problem with the teacher - until a fifth parent finally got the message across.

Many parents are afraid of being labelled troublemakers, afraid that somehow their child will be labelled too, might in some way be `got at', if they make a fuss. Often, their child will beg them not to make a fuss.

And although most parents and most teachers are probably able to sort out most situations with a few friendly chats, the fact is that there isn't any procedure to follow when problems arise, says James Casey of the National Parents Council (Primary). The council is pushing for that very thing, and has initiated discussions on establishing a proper complaints procedure with bodies like the teacher unions - but so far, there is no consensus on how, or even if, one should be established.

Partly that stems from the fact that there is still little or no concept in our education system, as in our health system that the consumer - in this case parents, even students - should have any say about what goes on in schools. Many schools will spell out the procedures they have to implement school discipline, but how often do they spell out what their "customers" should do if they have a problem with the service the school offers?

Parents are well-represented nowadays on school boards of management, of course. However, it's not really the job of parent representatives to advise individual parents on specific problems that might seem relatively minor to everyone but the family concerned. And many parents will understand that feeling of powerlessness when it comes to sorting out a child's school problem. So should parents back off, and let problems slide, telling their children that it will all be over in a few months, at the end of the school year? No way, says Casey. "It's not good enough for our children, and it's why a complaints procedure should be established: to serve the needs of the child." Apart from anything else, he argues, "we live in a developed democracy, and should be able to show our children how even at the lowest level in such a society, there are democratic procedures, there is redress."

The relationship between parents and schools has undergone enormous change in the past 30 years, changes we're all still coming to terms with, he says. There are still communities where parents have the traditional teacher-knows-best attitude, or where parents still feel at a disadvantage talking to teachers who may be better educated than they are.

Increasingly, however, teachers find they're dealing with a new generation of demanding, articulate parents.

Undoubtedly many teachers actually wish parents would come and talk to them when their child has school problems. Rose, a Dublin primary school teacher in a mostly middle-class area, says: "It's amazing how parents will avoid us if their child has behavioural problems or learning difficulties, usually because they don't want to face facts. "They don't realise that there are ways of handling these things, and that a child with a learning difficulty isn't `stupid'."

By the same token, Rose says parents frequently call and ask to see her and, like her colleagues, she's "happy to take the time to meet them".

As a mother of three, however, she knows from her own experience that different schools will handle parents in different ways. When her son had behavioural problems at his school, she found herself being called to meetings where she was talked down to and lectured.

The ideal is that parents and teachers should work in partnership in the interests of children; at present, it seems pretty obvious that there is not just a democratic deficit in schools, but a gap - if not a gulf - which breeds a certain amount of tension.

Casey suggests that the long-established North American tradition of the PTA - a parent teacher association - is an idea that has some merit. In the meantime, parents' councils are frequently asked for advice on how to sort out a school problem. "Often, if a parent feels aggrieved, emotions are running high. I'd suggest waiting for a cooling-off period, before looking for a meeting at a suitable time." It helps to follow all the positive, assertive techniques you may have picked up, perhaps on a parenting course: never accuse, state the problem, ask how together you can solve it and so on.

And remind yourself that a teacher is doing a tough job in difficult circumstances, with up to 60 or 70 parents standing behind the 30-plus children in his or her class, waiting to pounce if their darlings have problems. It's a sobering thought.