Parent group blush session

PERHAPS IT WAS a case of shutting the stable door after the horse had bolted, but after four children and 11 years of parenting I decided to do a parenting course. The commitment was simple: the course entailed a group session, with a leader, once a week for eight weeks.

Each week a different topic was covered - being a responsible parent, discipline, encouragement, active listening. During each session we listened to tapes of actors simulating the arguments that occur on a daily basis in nearly every home. That made us all blush a little.

Common parental reaction to children's behaviour was discussed in each session and in the manuals with which we were provided. Faced with the black-and-white print, it was easy to tell who was going wrong and why.

The unsettling part was recognising parts of yourself, then facing up to your mistakes and discussing them with others - particularly when they are mistakes you swore you'd never make.

We each made a plan for the week ahead to change one aspect of our parenting which perhaps left a little to be desired. There was a great sense of bonding.

With a welcome flood of relief, we realised we were not on our own, not the only ones finding parenting difficult, stressful and unfulfilling at times. Parenting, we decided, doesn't always come naturally.

"When you're talking about your children with other people, its so easy to end up simply swapping stories. But as a group we were focused," says Hanneke Tracey, a mother of three. "Just the simple fact of being there meant we were all agreed there was a lot at stake. We wanted to learn.

"I wanted to put an end to the soul-destroying repetition of the `do's and don'ts'," says another parent says. "Sometimes it seemed to be the sum total of my communication with my children."

Looking back, we are all agreed that communication, discipline problems and fears of alienating our children, especially teenagers - who might drift into drug abuse and casual sex - were the common motives behind taking part in the course.

"Communication has definitely improved in our house," says Clive Chapple, who took part with his wife Sandra. "And its still improving. We have family meetings and let the children have their say, as suggested in the course.

"But we don't go along with everyone having a turn at being chairperson. As parents we want to be in charge.

"To be honest, we haven't implemented everything we learned. It's not easy when you're tired or stuck for time."

FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN, Liz Richards has taken to heart the principle of offering children choice. "Now its not `do it this minute', " she says. "It's `well, you can eat your dinner or go to bed'. It works, if you show them you're serious." However, deeply ingrained in us as any genetic code we have inherited from them. We all agreed that while we still used some tactics learned during the course, we had let more slip than we realised.

"Definitely a refresher course every year or so would help," agrees Catherine Rochford, mother of an 11-and a 13-year-old. "My children are growing and changing and I need to be able to respond to that."

Apart from learning to cope with and love our children in a responsible way, parenting courses should offer opportunities too. Hanneke Tracey is a Dutch woman who has married an Irishman and is raising her children here.

"We're too liberal with our children in Ireland," she says. We give and give without question. Parents are afraid to say `no' and there is competition among parents to provide what I think are unnecessary luxuries for our children all the time.

"Parenting courses offer us a chance to get together and join forces. We should take that chance or kids will outfox us."

Neither is Hanneke willing to take everything on the course to heart. "We told our children, yes, we want to discuss most things with you, but not everything. Some things are not up for grabs. For example, Sunday is a family day, so the children know to say `no' - even to sporting events."

The consensus? Yes, parenting courses are worthwhile. Yes, there should be more of them and regular refresher courses too. But don't forget parents are people too.