Sibling conflict Learning to deal with itSometimes children deliberately pick fights with one another as a way of manipulating their parents. They can be very convincing. The high-pitched screams and allegations of gross abuse - not to mention the head-butting, body slamming and death-gripping, can make pro-wrestling look mild. So what do you do?
Remain impartial. There are no goodies and baddies in these situations. There's an TV ad for ice cream running at the moment that shows this perfectly. A boy is sitting at a table playing happily with a toy. When his older brother walks into the room, the younger brother knocks the toy to the floor and starts to wail "Mammy!". The mother walks in, immediately assumes the older brother is to blame and rewards the younger brother with a dish of ice cream. Spot the mistake.
Rarely, are such episodes so cynical and obvious. Although, if you had a hidden camera in your house and could watch your children surreptitiously, you might be surprised by what you see.
Your job as a parent isn't to apportion blame. Your only role is to teach conflict-resolution skills. So when you walk in on a bout of pro-wrestling , you should reprimand both of them for having interrupted you, but say nothing about the fight. Remove the contentious object. If the fight continues, split it up by putting the children in separate rooms to calm down.
Patiently listen to the problem. Hear both sides, but don't take sides. Encourage your children to think of alternative solutions to the problem rather than fighting. This isn't going to solve the problem overnight, but will be effective in the long run.
Teach conflict avoidance. Older children can feel greatly aggrieved at having their precious belongings tampered with by younger brothers and sisters. But if older children keep their treasures all over the house, then they are asking for trouble. So teach your child to keep valuable things out of reach of younger children.
With older children, ignore the shouting and fighting unless you genuinely think that someone is in physical danger. Once children learn that their staged fights will be ignored, they will not see the purpose in them any more.
When older children are fighting over their rights, it is tempting to reward the child who makes the best argument or is physically strongest. Don't fall into this trap. The scrum as they race for the car or the table, stepping over each other to get prized seats, will not end as long as the scrum is rewarded. Instead, offer privileges as rewards for good behaviour.
When there is a family decision to be made, hold a family meeting where each person contributes in turn. Praise children for listening politely to each other, and for making their arguments calmly and sensibly. Don't laugh or undermine them in any way.
For more advice, try reading Toddler Troubles by Jo Douglas, Wiley €14.95
