How children who receive love may still struggle to show love

I believe the prime need of every human being is to be loved and to love. It is from the resolution of that double-sided coin of love that the person learns to love and accept self. This latter self-regard becomes the basis for the information of the independent and unconditional giving and receiving of love. The need to love, be loved and to love self are inextricably bound together. When partners, friends or parents enter relationships lacking a love of self, they may be either unable to give or receive love.

Infants have been maligned when it comes to giving love. It has been too long assumed that babies and young children are narcissistic (i.e. they believe that they are the centre of the universe) and that they do not show love to parents or others. This has not been my experience and, certainly, mothers believe that their infants reach out not only to be loved but also to love. However, whether the babies will maintain these two ways of loving will be determined by how the individual parent responds to these expressions of love.

When a parent herself has difficulty in receiving love, but not in giving it, she becomes the "carer". On the other hand, when a parent has difficulty in showing love but not in receiving it, he becomes the "taker". It is fascinating how stereotyping has led to women having little difficulty in showing love but considerable difficulty in receiving it, and men being good at receiving but poor at showing love. It means that when children reach out to their mothers to love and be loved, but only the latter gets a response, the children may learn to receive love but not dare show it to these mothers.

We have all come across the phenomenon where any attempt to demonstrate love to a carer is dismissed or causes embarrassment or is diluted by such statements as "you shouldn't say that" or "I don't deserve it" or "you don't really mean it". Similarly, when children reach out to those fathers who are good receivers but poor givers of love, they learn to show love but not to ask for it for themselves.

Parents and children who cannot show love, but can receive it, have had to imprison their innate need to show love. It is too risky to exhibit love for fear of losing the permission to receive it. Equally, parents and children who can show but not receive love are cut off from the freedom to ask for love, as this might mean losing the right to show love.

It is the parent with whom the child identifies most that will determine largely whether one or both aspects of loving will perpetuate. Identification is a process whereby the child takes on the ways and characteristics of the parent who represents the greater emotional threat.

When parents are comfortable in both in giving and receiving love, children's identity-formation is far less tied to conforming to parental ways. It grows more from the child's own uniqueness, lovability, vast capability and creativity. When this type of open parenting operates, children develop also a sense of their own goodness, worth, ability, difference and lovability. This is what self-worth is all about, where the two-sided loving of parents reflects for children their wonder. Children feel that not only are they worthy enough to receive love, but also to give it. However, when the parent with whom the child identifies cannot show love, but can receive it, the child will repeat this pattern. When the opposite pattern operates, the child will necessarily and wisely repeat it.

In either scenario, children are able to show at least one aspect of loving. Sadly, there are homes where children's attempts to ask for and show love receive a neutral or harsh and punishing response. Not to be able to show and receive love is tantamount to the light of a candle blown out; it plunges children into the blackness of despair and helplessness.

When adults or children feel it is only safe to show love, they have deep doubts that they are good enough to receive it. Equally, when adults and children feel it is only safe to receive love, they have deep doubts that they are good enough to give it. Only the double experience of loving frees adults and children to truly love themselves and others.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Myself, My Partner.