Help with the parent trap

You can get a life coach, why not a parenting coach, asks Kathryn Holmquist

One of the hardest things about being a parent is that we only get one shot at it. We want to do well in guiding our children to their full potential, but all parents are learning as they go along. When a child develops a behaviour problem, we may feel as if we've failed and we're alone - even though we're good parents dealing with problems common to many families. We question our ability to cope and when we can't cope, we tend to feel guilty...

"Parents may be very skilled in the workplace, but step inside their family home and find themselves challenged by the parenting of their children," says Helen Sholdice, a parent coach in Dublin.

Parent coach? Before you start imagining a Mick McCarthy type motivating you in the bedroom every morning before you face the morning race for breakfast, dressing and school, I should say that parent coaching isn't about telling you what to do in order to score, it's about helping you to think through the process of parenting, so that you feel confident about what you choose to do.

Sholdice, a former Montessori teacher with over 20 years' experience, learned in her job that parents wanted to talk about their children's behavioural difficulties. Parent-information evenings about the Montessori method of education began to turn into question-and-answer sessions about specific behavioural issues. Parents had questions such as: "I can't get him to go to bed?" or "why won't she won't get dressed in the mornings?" or "why won't he eat certain foods?"

Sholdice began to realise that parents wanted to do the best for their children, but sometimes lacked confidence in their abilities. As she puts it: "Parents try to meet their children's emotional needs, but who holds the parents emotionally?"

Four years ago, she began teaching parenting classes in Newpark Comprehensive, Blackrock, Co Dublin, where she again found that many parents wanted more personalised guidance. Then a father in one of her parenting classes said to Helen: "There are executive coaches and time-management coaches, so why not parenting coaches?"

Parent coaching is based on the philosophy that all families have problems that test parents to the limit from time to time. They need guidance, rather than criticism, about how to develop their good parenting into something even more effective. Many parents are fortunate to have the advice of family or friends, though with the breakdown of the extended family, parents can lack close bonds with other parents whom they can confide in. Others feel protective of their privacy. "Sometimes parents don't want to let the side down," says Sholdice.

At the same time, "parents are very conscious that they want to do a good job and they're very committed. They see their children's future - a pressurised world and a very different culture than the one they grew up in." What parents need, she says, is uncritical guidance that capitalises on parents' strengths and gives them the confidence to follow their hearts.

"No one knows a child better than the child's parents. Where there is good parenting, we consolidate this and we rethink areas that parents are not so happy with. I see my role as supporting parents while they gain confidence," says Sholdice.

Some of her clients have already consulted psychologists privately and have received written assessments of their children's difficulties. However, parents may not always have expert guidance on ways of changing a child's behaviour on a practical, day-to-day level.

Providing consistent boundaries that make children feel secure is a major task of parenting. For example, some parents may want their children to sleep in their own beds, but they feel guilty about enforcing this so the child picks up non-verbal clues that make them feel unsafe in a room on their own. Sholdice talks to such parents about the quiet, soothing, unhurried time the child needs before "leaving for the dream world".

Parents may need to look at giving their child cuddles, physical contact and emotional security during the day, so that the child is not meeting these cravings only at night.

Recently, Sholdice had a client whose child was being bullied in school. After teasing out the issues, the parent settled for speaking directly to the bully in her child's presence. The parent realised that she felt nervous talking to the bully. When she mastered her fear and spoke confidently and kindly with the bully, she provided her child with a role-model for dealing with the situation.

The bully reacted well to being addressed respectfully by an adult, according to Sholdice. "It was a healthy model for everyone," she says.

Another common problem is over-indulgence; for example, a parent may bring home gifts when he or she has been away for the day. "Children want nothing more than the reunion with the parent. The parent's greatest gift is themselves," says Sholdice.

Sometimes parents need nothing more than the confidence of knowing that this is, indeed, true.

Helen Sholdice - Tel: (01) 283 2141; e-mail: parentcoach@eircom.net