You can challenge other people's negative comments, writes Tony Humphreys

There are many people who experience hurt in relationships at home, work, in their community and when visiting their home of origin. Being judged, criticised, not listened to, controlled or ridiculed are some of the behaviours that cause hurt.

The more common reactions are to attack back, sulk, withdraw and be determined to have nothing to do with that person again. The purpose of these responses is to eliminate or reduce the feelings of hurt and rejection. However, these defences do nothing to change the situation and are unlikely to alter how you are feeling. When we hide behind these "protective" devices no progress can be made either within ourselves and between ourselves and others.

When another person - lover, friend, colleague, parent - does not respect and value your presence and your ways, attitudes and beliefs, there are two fundamental truths to hold on to.

First, what another person says, does, thinks, feels and believes is 100 per cent about them. It is not about you.

Rather than internalising what another person says or does, what you immediately need to do is ask yourself the question: "What is this saying about him (or her)?" Then you can assertively return the ball to his or her court.

An example may clarify this fundamental principle of human behaviour. A teaching colleague at work makes a public comment in front of your colleagues, asking: "Do you have any control over the children in your classroom?" You now know this comment is about the speaker, not about you, and so you return the projection to her with the response: "Jane, what makes you say that?"

Jane may respond with another "you" message, such as: "Well, you appear to let your class away with murder!" Again, it is important not to fall into the position of defending yourself. Get Jane to talk about herself, rather than about you.

A possible mature response would be: "Jane, I'm wondering in what way is what you're saying about my class affecting you?" It is now possible you may get the beginnings of Jane owning her own need and sending an "I" message. "Well, I found that one of your class members was very impertinent when I asked him to behave in the schoolyard."

Now the playing field is more level, and again putting the responsibility back to Jane, you could say "I'm sorry to hear that; is there something you need of me in relationship to what happened?"

Finally, Jane may now state the hidden, but real purpose of her first "you" message. "Well I did feel very humiliated by the child's behaviour and would like you to take him to task about his behaviour."

The teacher now has a choice about how she might like to respond to Jane's request, but at least at this point she sees that Jane's original, apparently offensive message was really masking something about Jane and not saying anything about her.

The second fundamental aspect of communication is that everything you say, think, feel, believe and do is about you. When you are feeling insecure you are much more likely to project your own doubts, feelings, misgivings, grievances, anger and unmet needs on to others.

Examples of such projections are: "You don't have much faith in me, do you?" "You fill me with guilt!" "You gave me the wrong advice" "Nobody listens to what I have to say" "You make me angry" "You only think about your own needs." There is a cleverness in sending a "you" message because it puts all the focus on the other person and lessens the risk of ridicule and rejection. However, as soon as the "you" message has left your lips, communication has broken down.

The only hope is that the receiver of your masked message will manage to stay separate and reopen the door of communication by positively returning your message to you, as in the example given above.

Mature communication, which arises spontaneously from a person's high level of self-possession, is manifested in the "I" message: "I strongly believe in what I'm saying" "I feel guilty about not contacting you" "I do have a grievance issue to discuss" "I am feeling angry about the poor level of service" "There are certain unmet needs I would like to raise with you."

It takes two to tango and so there is no guarantee that the open communication on one person's part will merit a non-defensive response, but the likelihood is considerably higher than when you send a "you" message.

• Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Myself, My Partner