Gearing your expectations to young people's reality

WE ALL HAVE expectations for our children, and it is important that they know this. Some times they are more like a wish and a prayer, a desire on their behalf, but our hopes, our ambitions, and the sense of confidence which we can give to our children plays an important part in their growth and development.

Every stage of life that our children go through has the potential for great happiness and joy, or, alternatively, problems and crisis. In families we have our dark days and our bright days.

How effectively we work together as parents and children, to manage what is happening in our lives, is the key to moving on, meeting new challenges and working our way through them.

Sometimes our hopes and our expectations appear to be shattered; our children develop attitudes and behave in a manner totally out of line with what we expected of them. How often have we had major crises - almost a complete breakdown of relationships in our families - about hairstyles, unusual clothing, undesirable new friends, attitude problems and the dreaded homework?

Were the rows and arguments worthwhile? What happened in the end? Looking back, did we overreact because of fear? Was what was happening part of a fashion and a fad, to be dropped within a short time? Were we predicting life long failure and imminent disaster?

Did we build up and exaggerate projections about a life of delinquency and a permanent breakdown of the child parent relationship about what was really a passing fad?

It can be worthwhile for us to stand in our children's shoes and remember what we were like at their age. We may also look at the world in which they are growing up. After consideration, matters are not always as perilous as we first envisaged them to be.

A friend of mine once advised me: "Keep your expectations realistic and your hopes high. Get to know your child as well as you can and don't forget to listen to their hopes and ambitions. Always weigh up what you may fall out about and be sure that it is worth it.

"Even if you do row and fall out, be ready to negotiate. Your child will have to live with his own decisions and choices, which may be entirely appropriate and right for him at the time - irrespective of your views and fears. Say how you feel, listen to how he feels, and, if possible, leave it there for the moment."

As parents, we are often very fearful about the way we are bringing up our children, because the world has changed so much - and is changing so rapidly - since our childhood days. We may often feel inadequate in the face of this change and question whether we are in touch with our children or not.

However, it is important to remember that our parents probably felt the same way when we were growing up - and, irrespective of the difficulties which may have arisen between us, they have had a great influence on our attitudes, our beliefs, and much of the course of our lives.

Sometimes our children's behaviour and progress trigger off painful recollections of undesirable aspects of our own personalities; or perhaps our child resembles some other person who has been, in our eyes, a major disappointment in life. These recollections can cause stress and anxiety and bring up worrying projections for the future.

We are not being fair to ourselves or our children if we do not work to change this. Again, look at what is good in their lives and tell them. Try to make them feel good about themselves and help them identify their strengths and their value as people. We can't let our fears, which will in all probability never be realised, colour our relationships with our children and our expectations for their future.

If we are extremely concerned about our children and if suggestions, listening, talking and every other strategy seem to be failing, it is often helpful to discuss our problems with others who may experience similar problems. We can look for support, constructive suggestions and accept help when it is offered. We cannot be prepared for every eventuality, and seeking help does not mean that we are ineffective or weak parents. In fact, we can get reassurance that there is hope and our problems are not unique.

Life can be complex and we don't have to have all the answers.

SOCIETY, particularly the media, can put pressure on families where expectations are concerned. What has the media to say about expectations? Success in life, which is what expectations are all about, is usually defined in terms of accomplishments within a career - and people's ability to build up as large a bank balance and as large a portfolio of material assets as possible. Most people are described in terms of what they work at, or what they possess.

Our identities have become tied up with our careers, and how we function in our careers determines whether we are successes or failures. The media has a huge influence on all of us; role models of success and failure can cause confusion and anxiety, particularly for our children.

This media driven definition of success fails to recognise the uniqueness and worth of each individual child irrespective of ability. It overlooks the different personalities, dispositions and abilities of the children even within our own families.

It would be a pretty harsh world if the yardstick for success was that presented by the media. Our differences in a range of abilities and our willingness to support one another are the strengths which we bring into our families, our communities and our society. We should avail of the opportunities as they arise to discuss within our families, the images presented by the media so that we can make up our own minds about what is appropriate for us.

It is worthwhile to examine our expectations for our children Are our expectations realistic and realisable? Are they similar to the reality of what is happening in our children's lives? Are we disappointed and continually uneasy with our children about their progress? If so, what are we doing to change the situation?

Remember, if we expect too much from our children we are bound to be disappointed. Are we continually comparing our children with more successful children" Comparisons are invidious, especially when they are negative. They will do little to promote their self growths and feeling good about their efforts and themselves.

A relationship which depends on our children's ability to live up to our expectations of them can be deeply hurtful and painful. If the picture is different to what we had hoped for, are we sufficiently loving to be flexible enough to cope with the "disappointment" and base our expectations in reality?

We play a huge part in our children's lives and we need to be there for them in the good and the bad times. We can set an example for them of interests and attainments - which they may or may not imitate. Abilities, skills and interests do not pass on automatically from parent to child.

We cannot predict how our children will turn out; they are all different, and some of them are very different to ourselves.

CHILDREN ARE individuals in their own right, who can be guided and advised, listened to and loved, but who map out their own destinies and have ultimately to live with their own choices.

However, they need us, whether they live up to our expectations or not. They need to know that we are available to offer them our unconditional love and support even if at times they seem to be pulling away from us.

This can be difficult for us, as there are times when we can be at loggerheads with our children. However, we need to care for them and make sure, in so far as we can, that they are safe. We need to have a good mixture of common sense, commitment, sound basic principles, good example and an ability to exercise adequate control and supervision of our children until they are ready to fend for themselves.

Our children will believe almost any label which we hang on them. If we constantly criticise them they are bound to feel bad about themselves and withdraw or react badly. This is particularly relevant where school work is involved. Doing well in school is important, but unfortunately results at school may become the major proving ground for children and ourselves as parents.

If the esteem in which a child is held within the family and the level of affection which a child receives are determined by examination results and behaviour at school, we will run into problems.

I remember having a conversation with a child whose parents had indicated to me that he was behaving badly and they were experiencing problems with him. When I asked him how he got on with his parents, he told me that really his parents didn't like him because he was doing badly in school and anyway he was not as clever as his brothers and sisters. He told me that he wasn't going to work in school because he'd be considered a failure even if he did his best.

He was fed up, he said, at being told how successful the rest of the family were. He wanted to be left alone, and he was going to make sure he got out of school the following year. In reality, he had given up and decided to fail on his own terms.

This was a very sad scenario; the parents, whom I knew quite well, were concerned and committed. They worked very hard for their children, but they were not realistic about their youngest son's ability; they believed that academic success was the only way forward. They were disappointed and confused about their son. Their son, in turn, was withdrawn and quite depressed in himself, and he genuinely did not feel part of his family.

School achievement was of such importance to these parents that they had effectively ruined their relationship with their son. Professional help was certainly needed here, but the parents refused to consider it. They still believed that they could change the situation themselves.

They kept comparing their son to his high achieving brothers and sisters as if they were trying to reassure themselves that they were successful parents. They found it impossible to alter their views about what was acceptable. Academic achievement was such a focus of expectation in their family that strengths of character, talents and skills in other areas were not considered.

We have to be realistic. If ambitions for our children are not likely to be fulfilled or are causing problems, we need to be flexible and work with them to achieve a level of success and happiness in some other area.

I have found from working with parents that we have quite similar expectations for our children. The majority want their children:

. To be happy with themselves and others.

. To have a good relationship with us the parents.

. To take a growing responsibility for themselves.

. To have a good education for life and earning a living.

. To be happy, contented individuals who will be able to accept the ups and downs of life.

. Not to take drugs.

. To have a value system with which they are comfortable.

. To have a happy marriage.

. To be happy at school.

. To be healthy.

. To have a job.

Are these expectations very different from our own? It is very useful for parents to discuss together what our expectations are for our children.

How does the theory match up to what is happening in our families? Can we look forward to the future with hope and confidence? Are we happy with what is happening or do we need to alter some attitudes? Our views are not foolproof and we can keep an open mind and allow for other possibilities.

What concerns us is our children's happiness and welfare. Can we really prescribe for this?