Fledglings who fall from the nest

A sizeable number of young people have recently left home to pursue third-level education or career development. Regrettably, a high percentage do not fare well in their home leave-taking and can experience emotional and social trauma in their new situations. Their homesickness means they are not in a place to apply themselves to their studies and is probably one of the reasons for such a high failure and drop-out rate in the first year of third-level education. Somehow these young fledglings were not ready for their freedom flight and they are suffering from premature leave-taking. A good percentage return home, but very often the causes of their return are not looked at and their immaturity goes unchallenged.

It is essential that parents ensure their young adult offspring are ready for the challenges that face them in the outside world. When readiness is not apparent, then intervention will be required to bring them to that place of confidence.

Young people who experience premature leave-taking are identifiable by a range of behaviours:

frequently feeling homesick;

feeling confused away from home;

lacking concentration;

frequently crying;

telephoning home on a daily basis;

going home as often as possible;

complaining of feeling unhappy and not coping;

frequently asking for help and reassurance;

refusing to make contact with peers;

being withdrawn, moody and easily upset;

being indecisive.

The frequency, intensity and duration of these signs of premature home-leaving are important considerations in determining what level of help and support will be needed. Frequency has got to do with how often any of the signs occur - is it once, twice a week, every day, several times a day? Intensity is a measure of the emotional threat exhibited when young people manifest their insecurity. Would you rate it as mildly, moderately or seriously distressing to the unhappy person? Duration has got to do with how long these behaviours persist - and, on a particular occasion, do the symptoms last for a minute, several minutes, an hour, a day?

Certainly, it is the case that some young people experience homesickness in the early weeks of leaving home, but as they adjust to their new circumstances they settle into the challenge of separating out from home. However, there are others who persistently show the signs and there is no indication of any improvement in their coping.

Very often when parents look honestly at their children's difficulties in adjusting to being away from home, they can see that the insecurities precede their leaving home and that the challenges necessary to become independent were neither set nor pursued.

There are a host of reasons why some young people fare poorly on their first flight from the nest:

over-protective parenting;

over-involved relationships with one or both parents;

socially isolated upbringing;

few opportunities to socialise in early years;

parents very housebound;

symbiotic family which excluded most social contact with outside world;

young person feeling responsible for parents left at home;

young person feeling guilty about leaving parents;

lack of confidence;

poor sense of self.

It is essential for parents to be loving and empathic towards their troubled son or daughter. Every opportunity should be taken to enhance self-worth. Indeed, parents may need to look at their own level of coping and admit to their own lack of confidence and their responsibility to do something about it. An expression of regret of not being in a place to adequately prepare their son or daughter for the adventure of leaving home always helps.

Parents must not make the mistake of telling the young adults what their problem is; it is best that they are allowed to define their own problems, what they feel has brought them to this difficult stage and what kind of help they now require to resolve their plight. No criticism, cajoling, comparisons, pushing or ridiculing must occur, as these reactions will only further undermine the young person's self-worth and confidence. Furthermore, do not give advice unless requested. Do accept where they are at and respond to their needs. Sometimes they may need to come home and postpone college. Active listening is essential and so is patience.

The priority must be the young person's emotional and social wellbeing and not academic or career progress. When that wellbeing is not present, it is unlikely that the progress will emerge. In any case, it is more expedient for the young person to explore his or her inner world and find ways to come into the fullness of worth, value, uniqueness, individuality and limitless potential. Parents have a responsibility to provide the belated opportunities for such developments. Sometimes professional support and guidance may be needed.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of The Family: Love It and Leave It.