ARE difficult children born or made? Miriam feels she has tried everything with her daughter. Sinead is a middle child and nothing like the other children.

From the age of two the tantrums just kept on coming.

To say she is strong willed is putting it mildly. Most mornings there is a fight over clothes. Meal times can still be a battle ground. Miriam makes her eat only certain foods now - otherwise she lets it pass. The result is that Sinead's diet is frugal, containing hardly any fruit or vegetables. Miriam tried giving her a wholefood diet once, but Sinead practically starved and then got ill.

Getting her daughter to do something - be it going to school or going to bed - tends to be a problem. Sinead is very stubborn yet very loving at the same time. She really wants approval, love and support, but she tends to be her own worst enemy by making life difficult for those around her.

Johnny is another story. He was strong willed from the day he was born. He has always fought against being confined, is wilful and energetic and never seems to be out of trouble for one thing or another. Johnny too makes his parents' life difficult, seeming to exist beyond any limits which they may set.

These parents both feel guilty for some reason they do not understand. Have they unwittingly shaped, or encouraged, their children's bold or wilful behaviour? Should they have handled situations differently from the beginning?

As any parent will tell you, there are no hard and fast rules on rearing difficult children. Some are simply born more strong willed than others.

Family changes or upheavals such as a new baby coming into the family, or disharmony in the parents' relationship, can affect a child's behaviour. Difficulties could also arise from lesser traumas such as the development of allergies to particular foods.

A child may then find that he or she is then labelled difficult and the response of other family members can perpetuate the problem. Children may have a `wilful' temperament, be very energetic, dissatisfied or independent to the point of contrariness. A child may also be highly sensitive to physical stimuli and disruptions for no apparent reason.

Parents of difficult children should remind themselves that they are usually not scheming. Normally there is no malice in their behaviour and they do not mean to manipulate situations or their parents. In that way they are totally innocent.

So where do these prickly temperaments come from? Although parents may find it difficult to accept, experts say that a child can be `born difficult' - in other words there are genetic roots to the temperamental character. An examination of parents or close family can find someone with a temperament similar to that of the difficult child.

In children who develop difficult behaviour later on in their little lives, careful examination of the history will usually reveal a cause.

So how do we handle these usually very affectionate yet strong spirited children? This type of child - does not suffer change gladly and needs time to adjust or `switch gear'.

So make slow moves. Give plenty of calm warnings before announcing that it's time to leave the party or go to bed.

The most difficult but most important thing to do when dealing with a strong willed child is to stay calm. Your composure will counterbalance your child's emotional shifts.

The key is to stay even headed, not allowing your mood to swing with that of your child. Try to stay as steady and consistent as possible this will help her to even out her own moods.

Remember that your child is not behaving badly to `get at' you. He or she is out of control and can think of no other way to demonstrate the feeling of being overwhelmed. That may seem obvious to parents calmly reading a newspaper but not so obvious if a parent is upset and drained, having dealt with an explosive temperament on a daily basis.

Remember too that children will copy: if you are explosive your child will unconciously imitate you.

You must be clear as to what is allowed and what is not. In simple and direct terms during a quiet time talk about what sort of behaviour you expect. Keep your expectations within sensible limits, depending on age. Be flexible with small matters.

It makes sense to avoid conflict on little issues in order to save your energy for important matters: Let your child have control over insignificant things. One area in which you should never compromise is, of course, safety.

In the mornings it may be best to rise a little earlier and to corn promise about clothing. Strong willed children will fare better without the conflicts which accompany being rushed to get dressed and get out of the house quickly. If you start the day with a battle it may continue in that strain all day.

Pay special attention when your child does behave. Talking together is good and praise goes a long way. Your child will learn that attention can be had by behaving nicely as much as by misbehaving. Often a child who constantly misbehaves is only looking for attention and desperately wants to be noticed and loved.

Strong willed children are usually full of energy. This can be exhausting, so it makes sense to channel your child's energies into interesting activities. These will "burn off" all that excess energy, making the child both less frustrated and less likely to behave in ways that annoy you.

It is very difficult if living space is limited to designate an activity area, but a nearby park or open space might be pressed into service.

Three and four year olds really do enjoy helping you. Whether it is sweeping the floor, cleaning the car or raking the leaves, encourage them to help. This makes them and you feel good. Afterwards give lots of praise and let them know how much their help is appreciated.

Finally give yourself a break on a regular basis from your self willed child. Being mentally and physically tired may keep you from dealing with your difficult child in an effective and calm way.

Start a baby sitting circle with a few other mothers in your area so you can get at least one morning free a week. Plan arrangements with your partner so you both have time alone with your child and time alone to just unwind or do some physical exercise which will relieve stress.

Discuss what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and plan strategies. Then both parents must be consistent. Stick to it and support each other. Remember that the wilful, frustrating child is often really desperately crying out for a firm boundary, a secure cuddle and love.

So keep listening, cuddling and loving whilst being firm with behaviour that is just not acceptable.