A moving experience

Before you actually do it, you may wonder why moving house is up high on the stress scale, near divorce. Afterwards, you'll wonder why it's not even higher.

Part of that stress is to do with leaving one era of your life behind and going on, and the rest to do with the physical and emotional wear-and-tear involved in packing up your possessions, jettisoning accumulated junk, sorting out gas, phone, electricity accounts and postal addresses, hiring and supervising removal firms - and then doing everything in reverse order in your new destination. While moving house is certainly stressful for mum and dad, it can be very stressful for children too.

Depending on the age of the child, there are different factors involved. If you say you are moving house to older children, they understand some of the implications involved. A small child, however, has no idea.

My nearly-four-year-old asked how we were going to get the new house back to where we lived - would it go in a big plastic bag or on the back of a truck? With children up to around five years of age, it is worth stating the absolute obvious. If you say you're buying a new house, they may, like mine, imagine you going to a shop and hauling the new abode back - after all, this is how you purchase everything else. They won't necessarily assume it will be in a different location.

Or, for that matter, that it is second-hand and that someone else lives in it now.

You need to say that you are going to sell the house you live in and that it will then belong to the people who buy it and that you won't be going back to it, though you may visit friends and neighbours nearby. You need to explain differences in childcare arrangements, schools, preschools etc, so they know exactly where they stand. Also, while you may see old neighbours and friends less often, you need to explain that Granny and his cousins won't necessarily get the same short shrift and you'll see them on an ongoing basis. All this sounds obvious to you, but is not necessarily logical to your child.

A little child needs to know what will be left behind and what will be brought, such as toys, clothes and things that are important to him. If you are doing the inevitable cleanout, be wary of throwing away his old toys.

When you are finally packing up and moving out, one mother who has moved several times suggests having the children minded. "Not only do small children get in the way, but - while some find it exciting - some get upset at everything disappearing. Then, though, they will be relieved and intrigued to find the same furniture and household effects looking familiar in the new house."

Childcare expert Penelope Leach says it is a good idea to let children "help" you pack their toys, clothes and books the day before the move and let them travel together. "When you go to the strange new place, concentrate on building a replica nest - including a play corner - and try to save enough time and energy to put yourself into the context he expects by cooking an ordinary supper and making him clean his teeth."

WHILE YOU may redecorate your new house completely, consider bringing the curtains from their old room and leaving them up for the first few months.

Older children, too, may be surprisingly attached to your house. If you think back to your own childhood, the house and surroundings probably made up a big part of your world - so be careful not to dismiss any concerns they may have.

The big thing with older children, of course, is friends and leaving them behind, as well as the difficulty of making new ones. "We moved from Dublin to a large provincial town, so my four children moved not only house, but school and county. At the time I thought only the three-year-old was affected, she was quite upset, but I've since discovered that my young teenage son cried - to himself - for the whole first year," says one mother.

"And he never told me! He had gone to a private school and he had to adjust to the local one - he had to lose his `posh' accent fast. And he and his big sister had to get to know their way around the town, make friends in school, establish themselves on sports teams - and try not worry us parents!

"In retrospect. it was tough for them. My husband was under pressure in his new job. I had my arms full with the baby and an unsettled three-year-old, trying to find my own way round, and making a home for us all.

"My eldest daughter and I relied on one another and did a lot of things together. She took a while to get going socially, until eventually I dumped her in a situation where she had to ask another girl out, and they've been firm friends ever since. But it was quite hard for all of them."

Teenagers, particularly, seem to validate themselves through their friends, so if they move somewhere new and are without their friends it can be very difficult at first.

"It's very important to keep up links, by phone or e-mail if it's too far to arrange visits, until a new social circle has been well established," says another experienced mover.

"Those friendships are very important. As parents we have to try to be understanding and supportive and never make light of what they're going through. You can't make friends for them, but chatting to them, being there for them, helps them settle in."