"The dude with the top-hat on the door of BTs gives me a high-five"

 

ME AND MY MONEY:Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Are you a saver or a spender?The dude with the top-hat on the door of BTs gives me a high-five on the way in – what do you think?

Do you shop around for better value?No. My basic attitude has always been, if you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it – or, in my case, your old man can’t.

What has been your most extravagant purchase ever and how much did it cost?Sorcha’s wedding ring. Our solicitors haven’t worked out an exact divorce settlement yet but I suspect I’m still going to be paying the price for saying “I do” when Johnny Sexton’s grandchildren are playing for Ireland.

What purchase have you made that you consider the best value for money?For sheer usage, I’d say Geri Halliwell’s Boxercise and Advanced Boxercise DVD boxset, which have helped me through a lot of difficult times in my life. For what it’s worth, I still can’t boxercise.

Have you ever crossed the Border to shop?Yeah, I regularly take my 13-year-old son Ronan to Moore Street for the cheap tobacco.

Do you haggle over prices?Sometimes. But always upwards.

Has the recession changed your spending habits?Not mine but definitely my old dear, Fionnuala’s. She says there’s a shame that has attached itself to having money now, even though she’s doing what she calls her patriotic duty to help the country spend its way out of recession. One of the tabloids caught her recently spending 90 yoyos in the Avoca shop on Suffolk Street and they ran the photograph with the headline, ‘FO’CK the Recession!” Since then, she won’t even shop in Dundrum without a scarf over her face. Hermes, naturally.

Do you invest in shares?I once owned a 15 percent stake in Lillies Bordello. It was probably more, considering the amount of money I put into the place over the years.

Cash or card?I accept either. Whichever of the two the old pair leave lying around.

What was the last thing you bought and was it good value for money?A Cosmopolitanfor a girl who’s a ringer Kari Bryon. She’s fast asleep here beside me with a big contented smile on her face. But I’m too much a gentleman to say whether it was good value for money or not . . although make sure to put in that I said it was.

Have you ever successfully saved up for a relatively big purchase?Hmmmffff. (That’s the sound of me attempting to stifle a laugh.)

Have you ever lost money?Yeah, on my aportment in Rosa Parks. I’ve ended up living in one of these, like, ghost estates? My block has 15 per cent occupancy but that’s only because the social welfare have dumped some of Ireland’s leading problem families on my actual doorstep. It’s, like, Shamelesscomes to Ticknock. Things are so bad that if they dynamited the building tomorrow, my gaff would probably double in value.

Is money important to you?Does the Pope sh*t in the woods?

How much money do you have on you now?Enough for a taxi. That’s if I can get out of here without waking this Kari Bryon lookalike.


The Oh My God Delusion