Bertie's tunnel joy rapidly goes down the tubes

At long last, good news on the traffic front. So Bertie elbowed his long-suffering transport minister out of the picture and did the opening ceremony himself. Poor Martin Cullen only gets a gig when there's trouble. Such a happy event, on such an unhappy morning, for the Taoiseach.

He won't have been best pleased with all the coverage in the papers about Charlie's millions. Thank heavens for the port tunnel, and it finally ready for business and that all-important photo opportunity. Good news before the Christmas, Bertie.

Hooray! Not just a great day for Dublin, but a great day for Ireland. No wonder the Taoiseach had a spring in his step when he arrived to officially open this "important milestone in the development of Ireland's transport infrastructure." But he hadn't even a chance to get in the door of the marquee at the East Wall site before he was waylaid by a bunch of ingrates with notebooks and microphones. Did they want to know about the port tunnel? Did they want to learn of Bertie's joy? God, no.

All they were interested in was the blank cheques he signed for his old boss Charlie.

"It is an awful tragedy that it ever happened," sighed the Taoiseach. "Entirely wrong. Entirely inappropriate." It's not clear whether he was talking about signing the cheques, or CJH trousering the sort of cash which might have gone towards a port tunnel in the1980s.

Had he ever thought, marvelled Bertie, that those blank cheques he signed for Mr Haughey would be used for improper purposes, he would never have done it.

But they were different times back then. He has tightened things up since.

At the time, he said, this was "a practice that everybody did in the country, let's be very frank and honest about it, and not be prudish about it." Once he'd removed his foot from his mouth, Bertie left the prudes and ambled inside. But clearly, the gloss had gone off the morning for him.

Yes, he was full of enthusiasm for the port tunnel, and full of praise for the 5,000 workers who helped construct it. But he began to sound a bit sour.

"We were told it couldn't be done, and shouldn't be done, and if it was done, it wouldn't work, and we should all walk in the first place," he sniffed from the podium.

But the tunnel is ready now, and it's a fine feat of engineering. Yes, it took a while, but "if there's not a 10-year row, it's not worth doing." Bertie regretted some people weren't at the opening. "I could tell them how wrong they are," he huffed.

It's been a long road. Particularly, continued the Taoiseach, with some people managing to criticise "every little thing along the way." The poor man sounded dreadfully depressed. The odd leak, and every little drop of rain - "They were the headlines." He must have been sorry he didn't leave Martin Cullen to do the honours. Mr Cullen, with the aid of the Lord Mayor of Dublin, Vincent Jackson and the chairman of the National Roads Authority, Peter Malone, managed somehow to get Bertie outside to unveil a plaque before he burst into tears.

Once he saw the plaque, the Taoiseach perked up. And when he heard that a ribbon would also have to be cut, he cheered up no end. However, a scheduled photo opportunity with Santy, who was to travel in one of the first trucks to go through the tunnel, didn't take place.

A wise decision, as there were children present and there was no guarantee that Bertie wouldn't give him a dig.

So the guest from the North Pole was locked in the back of the truck until the Taoiseach took off for Whitehall (very handy for Drumcondra).

He was feeling so sorry for himself, he probably expected to be drowned by a leak as he passed under Fairview Park.

Finally, the doors were opened to reveal Santy crouched at the back of the container, in a little grotto, like an illegal immigrant who had just been rumbled by customs.

"Is that Ivor Callely?" asked an onlooker, who must have been the worse for drink.

Bertie and guests managed to get through the brand new tunnel, but the public opening was delayed for over an hour.

Dublin City Council insisted this was not because of a lighting failure, although people were ringing in to Joe Duffy telling him it had gone all dark.

No doubt Bertie will expect the blame for that too.