A question of 'when' not 'if' they are to sit around Cabinet table again

SKETCH:ARE YOU feeling wan? Recession getting you down? Could that light at the end of the tunnel be an oncoming train? Worry not: there is a wonder pill that'll transform your life. It comes with a doctor's recommendation: he tried it and hasn't been the same since.

The medic in question is Dr Jerry Cowley, formerly an Independent TD for Mayo, who lost his seat in the last general election. The miracle drug that has changed him is nothing but Labour Party membership.

He was unveiled as Labour’s newest recruit at the start of the party conference in Galway. Next day, like a born-again convert emerging from the River Jordan, Dr Cowley told delegates in the city’s university how his life was changed, changed utterly.

Greeted by a level of cheers normally associated with a revival meeting, the good doctor said he was “a new man with a spring in my step”. After the laying-on of hands by Eamon Gilmore, he felt 10 years younger: “I feel just as good as if I just won the Lotto.” Now all Labour has to do is spread the feeling to the rest of the electorate with such slogans as: “Take Labour: You’ll Never Be The Same Again” or “Don’t Fight It: Labour Is The Answer”.

Speakers made clear they saw it as a question of “when”, not “if”, they will sit at the Cabinet table again. The only shadow was the hoary old curse from the 1916-21 period: “Labour must wait.”

Deputy Willie Penrose sent out a signal to prospective partners Fine Gael that they should not think about cutting the minimum wage if they want to lure Labour to the bridal suite of coalition.

Popular finance diva Joan Burton injected cold realism with a warning that Labour would be taking office in an era of “lean years and scorched earth”. Governing in such circumstances would be “no easy task”.

It’s an ill wind that blows nobody good, and that cloud of Icelandic volcanic ash played an unwitting role in smoothing Labour’s return to office. With Fine Gael committed to abolition of the Seanad, the Galway conference was confronted with a brace of awkward motions calling for that political slum to be cleaned up rather than razed.

The mood suggested Seanad reform rather than abolition would become Labour policy, but the party spokesman on these issues, Brendan Howlin, was marooned abroad because of the ash-cloud, and delegates agreed that the matter be referred back.

The party leader dealt with the Senate issue cleverly in his main speech. Senate-Schmenate was his line: let’s call a constitutional convention to redraft the entire document in time for the 100th anniversary of the Rising in 2016.

There was a lot of anger about bankers: you wouldn’t want to be caught in pinstripes if Labour’s Wannabe Robespierres are to be believed. Cllr Aodhán Ó Ríordáin from Dublin North-Central said: “Anger isn’t a policy but anger is a damn good start.”

In theory, all Labour has to do is wait for power to drop into its lap. They are allocating portfolios already, with Senator Ivana Bacik winning applause as she referred to Joan Burton as “our next minister for finance” – although Richard Bruton might have something to say about that.

Speaker after speaker turned the prayer-wheel of condemnation when referring to Fianna Fáil and the Greens who, in Labour’s eyes, are the political equivalent of that ash-cloud – when are they going to go away? In Deputy Mary Upton’s eyes they are even worse. She opined: “The volcano in Iceland seems to be more effective in stemming emigration than Government policy.”