US president Donald Trump was recently so offended by the footwear worn by JD Vance and Marco Rubio that he bought them new ones. Four pairs each, as reported by the New York Times, in a lengthy interview with that paper of record. Vance and Rubio showed them off to reporters during the interview.
If Trump’s two acolytes were looking for shoelaces to lace up their new shoes, all they had to do was log on to trumpstore.com. For $16, you can purchase white shoelaces with the word Trump emblazoned on them in red and blue.
But that is only one of many, many items being flogged at the online shop. To trawl through the website is to marvel at the seeming lack of bottomless barrels of merchandise promoting the 45th and 47th president of the United States.
Where to start? Any notion that the site might be a kind of repository for a smattering of Trump trinkets, for either a Maga fan, or a gag gift, is dispelled upon realisation of the scale of what’s on offer. You could furnish an entire house and clothe your family with what you can buy at Trump Store.
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“From drinkware and entertaining accents, to apparel and memorabilia, the elegance of Trump will take your event to the next level of luxury,” declares the website. Elegance. The elegance of Trump. I spent a few moments dwelling on this description. The man’s favourite meal is well-done steak, fries and Diet Coke, which is about as elegant as a trip to McDonald’s.
Anyway, when you bring up the website, there are many “collections” on offer. Among these are, variously, The Valentine’s Day Gift Guide, The Winter Collection, American Revival, Made in America, 45-47, Maga Collections, Golden Age of America, Trump Social Club, and Mar-a-Lago. There are additional lines of clothing for men and women, a golf section, a homewares and spa section.
There are thousands of items for sale, and I bet most of them were not made in the good old US of A but in China. I don’t know for sure, because I didn’t receive a reply to this particular question from my email sent to Trump Store asking where they were made. They did reply to my question on shipping to say they don’t currently ship outside the US. The email ended, “Wishing you a wonderful day”.
Valentine’s Day is next month. There’s a section for that particular Hallmark holiday too. So what is Trump Store – representing a man who was once caught on a hot mic advocating a “grab ‘em by the pussy” approach to women – offering in his Valentine Day gift guide?
Among the “gifts for her”, is a Trump signature short pyjama set. It’s $145, made of pink polyester and has “Trump” embroidered on, where else, except the breast pocket. My eyes. There’s a special edition pink Maga hat for $55; a sweatshirt with Trump’s name picked out in sequins, surrounded by red, white and blue stars, for $150; a Trump “bling clutch” for $550; and Lara Trump (Trump’s daughter-in-law), leggings for $98. Lara Trump has an entire range of athleisure wear on offer, although funny enough, none of them say “nepotism”.
Lest you think this is all there is on offer for the ladies there are also Trump slippers, quilted vests, jackets, tote bags, scarves, wine glasses, a Maga pickleball bat, headbands, a wine chiller, bracelets with “45/47”, mugs, fleeces, cool bags, and my own personal favourite, a Trump mini speaker for $32.
It’s a plastic version of a tubby Trump, Maga hat on, mouth wide open with some shout in progress. “Don’t let the pocket size fool you, as it can rock out for up to four hours,” the marketing guff informs me. “Plus you can pair two Trumps together for an even louder surround sound type feel...” I could pair two Trumps together. You really can buy anything in the US.
On to the Trump Home collection of goods which are “guaranteed to raise the standard in your home”. Are you listening, peasants? To drill, baby, drill down into this collection, the categories are robes and linens, kitchen essentials, drinkware and glassware, skincare, bath and body, and pets.
Yes, pets. I don’t see any merchandise that says “They’re eating the dogs”, but I do see Maga dog leashes for $40, and Trump dog bow ties for $18. Need to sit down while you put the bow tie on your pooch? Why not recline on a red Adirondack chair for $1,200, with “Trump” painted on it?
In the robes and linens collection, there is a – excuse me while I locate a handy bucket – date-night robe set for $295 (reduced from $460); a stripy Trump-branded beach towel for $65; a 45th and 47th president woven blanket with a glowering silhouette of Trump’s face on it, wearing a Maga hat, for $200; and various throw pillows and cushions. Do families around the US really snuggle up together on the sofa under images of Trump’s face? I have a worse thought though: are these blankets and throws laid on the top of beds across the US?
Short on kitchen supplies? Fret not. There are cheese knives, chopping boards, wine glasses, mugs, pot holders, aprons, serving trays, oven gloves, bottle openers, charcuterie boards and many, many other items, all featuring the Trump name, and featuring red, white and blue where possible. Which is possible everywhere, even in the wooden cheeseboards, which have had colour resin elements added.
There’s more. Oh, there is much more. There’s a dedicated baseball hat section for instance, because of course there is. “Top off your look with the perfect hat. From timeless staples to bold statement pieces, our headwear is made to elevate every outfit,” goes the guff. There are hats in every colour. Some say “Gulf of America”. Others say, “Make America Great Again”; or “Trump 2028”; or “Four More Years!”; or “Under Siege” (more nepotism – this is the title of Eric Trump’s memoir, husband of Lara Trump, she of the athleisure wear offerings); or “Trump Was Right About Everything”; or “Trump 45-47”.
I know nothing about golf, but there is a whole section dedicated to that pursuit. There are things called driver covers and mallet covers and monster driver covers, some with cartoon faces of Trump on them, some resembling a headless body in a blue suit, white shirt and red tie. There are polo shirts, and shorts, and T-shirts and fleeces. There is a lot of golf stuff.
On to Sweet Treats. You can buy milk chocolate in the form of gold bullion or gold bars. A 2.75lb giant Trump chocolate gold bar is $86. There is a box of Trump chocolate truffle hearts for $18; also doing service as a Valentine’s Day gift. There is a set of Trump location chocolate, including Trump Tower, Trump Chicago, Trump Hotel Las Vegas and Trump Doral Miami (more golf).
There will probably be some more chocolates in this $24 box available shortly showing the newly named Trump Kennedy Centre. If the people making these sweet treats have a sense of humour, the flavour of this particular offering will be of the bitterest of bitter chocolate.
