It recently came to my attention that squirrels don’t hibernate. This information, delivered by AI against my will, shook me to my core. It was a gentle shake, but a shake nonetheless. I was Googling “Is it okay to feed the squirrels?” – more on that shortly – when Google’s “AI Overview” function not only scolded me for even thinking it might be okay to feed the squirrels, but also delivered the “no hibernating” news.
“Have squirrels ever hibernated?” was my next search. Surely, when I was child, squirrels were notorious for taking to the bed for the winter, fat with nuts and far too clever to endure Ireland’s nonsense from November to March? This felt like a core tenet of the classroom nature table. The nature table’s other functions were to teach the crucial skill of telling hips and haws apart, although this, much like any calculus I was ever presented with, never came up later in life. The life cycle of a conker was another big one, along with the ever-present pussy willow twig. And, of course, a dilapidated bird’s nest complete with unsettling tufts of ratty feather and worm guts.
I suppose if I cast my mind back over the last few winter months, the squirrels have been a near-constant presence in my back yarden. To call it a “garden” would be overly generous. It is a concrete patio/yard, immediately adjacent to the concrete patios of my apartment block neighbours, tantalisingly fenced off from some lush grass and mature trees. The Dublin 8 wildlife consists mainly of squawking seagulls, club-footed pigeons, overly confident foxes and an abundance of grey squirrels, several of whom swing like tiny furry Tarzans through those trees beyond my yarden.
I first started feeding what I thought was one squirrel last autumn. She appeared on my railing, tiny paws together in what truly looked like a pleading gesture. She was obviously a nursing mother, and I was immediately stricken with images of poor, starving squirrel babies and the desperate drive to prepare for a long winter of hibernation and hardship. Images of myself as a Disney princess, woodland creatures on my shoulders and tiny birds doing my hair for me flooded my brain, and I fetched a bag of Aldi unsalted mixed nuts. My squirrel friend fled for a few minutes as I put some out for her in a bowl, but soon returned to nibble on some almonds and stuff her cheeks with brazils.
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Fast forward a few months and these creatures have made a laughing stock of me. Not only is there an army of squirrels working in shifts to rid me of every nut and seed in the presses, but it has emerged that I’m not the only neighbour feeding them. A fellow Disney princess, a few patios up, heard me shaking out some pumpkin seeds one morning and confessed that he too has been giving them their fix. The squirrels have taken my charitable nuts and buried them in my sad little plant pots, coming back a few days later to upend whatever blooms were hanging on through the winter.
The squirrels have become so brazen that they will come right up to the window and force eye contact. They have no fear of the cat. She wears a bell, because if she did manage to come into contact with a squirrel, it would no doubt rip out her eyes. The cat is afraid of the wind and regularly bullied by magpies. She is no match for actual wildlife.
I’ve gone cold turkey with the squirrels a few times, cutting them off when the nuts became too taxing on my budget. One of the squirrels caught me at a weak moment a few days ago though. It was raining, and I’d discovered an out-of-date bag of skin-on peanuts in the back of the press. I served them up and she repaid me by meticulously peeling each one and littering the yarden with the reddish husks. She came back the next day to make sure she hadn’t buried any and forgotten about them, scattering soil and compost in the process.
I suppose I Googled “Is it okay to feed the squirrels?” hoping for the scolding. If the internet says it’s a bad idea – and it mostly does – then it’s okay to stop? What I wasn’t banking on was another, more alluring search suggestion: Is it okay to befriend a squirrel? I had images of me and the squirrel watching telly together. Me tucking her into a little doll’s bed. Maybe she’s shopping with me for nuts. I’m making her a Halloween costume.
Long story short, I’m never feeding the squirrels again. It’s the neighbour’s problem now.
