Naples might be an artistic treasure trove, but this vibrant city is no museum piece, writes Mal Rogers
CRUCIFIXES THAT talk, shop assistants with the faces of Botticelli angels, shady-looking men making deals in the sun, sanctified blood that miraculously liquefies: you could believe anything might happen in this epic city, never more than a Hail Mary from being buried by the fractious Mount Vesuvius.
Naples is a dodgy, espresso-crazed extravaganza, populated by two million highly strung in-your-face citizens. It's noisy, wildly exciting, romantic, menacing.
In the shadow of some of Christendom's most iconic art, dramatically gesticulating people let it all hang out in an endless maze of narrow cobbled streets - the local dialect appears to have no phrase for "calm down".
On my first morning in Naples I had an encounter with a Lambretta scooter. A distractingly beautiful woman sat on the pillion - facing backwards - shouting down a mobile phone while her boyfriend weaved in and out of the traffic. He avoided me only to fall foul of a taxi driver. They began to trade operatic insults. All the while the pillion woman continued her conversation.
The baroque pantomime of Neapolitan life is played out against the smell of pizza and coffee. The city's gastronomy, dramatic setting - looking out towards the island of Capri - and historic sites have made it an attractive proposition for the well-got since earliest times.
Naples began with the Greeks, somewhat inevitably followed by the Romans. Christianity was next up - heavy hitters St Peter and St Paul both preached here. Thereafter the usual suspects duly appeared: Goths, Normans, Angevins, fascists. Rubbing along with your neighbours has always been an exotic concept hereabouts.
This regular change of tenants bequeathed an enormous legacy of art and architecture. But you don't need to go near any of the well-worth-a-visit museums or galleries. If you never ventured beyond the gloriously hedonistic Spanish Quarter, or the outrageously free-wheeling Spaccanapoli, the old Roman road (complete with decaying aqueduct) that bisects the city, you'd still have a Neapolitan ball. And nobody back home would be any the wiser; omerta, the vow of silence, reigns supreme here.
It may come slowly to you, however - perhaps after an overly long lunch - that maybe you could assume some light sightseeing duties. If so, an interest in churches will serve you well. In Naples they come in all varieties, from glittering cathedrals resplendent with medieval riches to ancient chapels with strident weeds growing out of every crevice.
There are plenty of paintings, too; you might feel like heading straight for Caravaggio's The Flagellation of Christ, shuddering with violence and despair at the Capodimonte Museum. It's an arresting sensation to see this revered image in the city where its creator would regularly set his dogs on unsuspecting fellow citizens - just for fun.
Forced to flee Rome, Caravaggio set up shop in Naples - even in his own lifetime he was considered enigmatic, fascinating, rebellious and dangerous. Well done if you spotted an allegory in there.
At the other end of the religious spectrum is St Thomas Aquinas. The theologian was born about 100km from Naples, and the crucifix through which Jesus spoke to him is now hanging in the San Domenico Maggiore church amid an opulent blaze of gold ornamentation.
After this soul-searing business you'll want to return to your favourite piazza, with your favourite pizzeria and favourite waitress - the one with a smile you could pour on a waffle.
The cats will still be dozing in the shade, the oleanders fluttering in the breeze. You'll nod thoughtfully to yourself; yes, Naples has boundless artistic treasures, but it's no touristy museum piece. The waitress will arrive with your bottle of Lacryma Christi, or Tears of Christ, a wine produced locally by monks.
You'll look contentedly round at this shambles of a metropolis knowing that you'll be back. You know you could love this utterly compelling place.
In the hairdryer heat of a Neapolitan evening you'll start humming . . . "Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore."
5 places to stay
Grand Hotel VesuvioVia Partenope 45, 00-39-081-7640044, www.vesuvio.it. Double rooms from €190. The oldest of the waterfront hotels, this is just about the top place to lay your head in town. It's opposite the Castel dell'Ov.
ExcelsiorVia Partenope 48, 00-39-081-7640111, www.excelsior.it. Grand and elegant, this is the other luxury hotel on the seafront. Even the minibars are works of art.
PignatelliVia San Giovanni Maggiore Pignatelli 16, 00-39-081-6584950 www.hotelpignatellinapoli.com. Doubles €70. The 15th-century Palazzo Pignatelli, once home to the governor of Naples, is as far away from a polystyrene generic hotel as you could get.
Albergo SanservoVia Santa Teresa 8, 00-39-081-7901000, www.albergosansevero.it. Double rooms plus breakfast €80. An impressive hotel converted from an 18th-century palazzo. The entrance is on the first floor (there is no lift).
MargheritaVia Cimarosa 29, 00-39-081-5567044. Doubles, including breakfast, €105. A tiny hotel on the fifth floor of a palazzo, with comfortable rooms and very friendly service.
5 places to eat
L'Antica Pizzeria Da MicheleVia Cesare Sersale 1-3, 00-39-081-5539204, www.damichele.net. Look forward to the perfect pizza here: either the traditional margherita or marinara (tomato, oregano and garlic).
Gelateria della ScimmiaPiazza Carita 4, 00-39-081-5520272. The big cheese in the ice-cream business. Disappointingly, nobody in Naples seems to know that a real Neapolitan ice cream is pink, brown and white. "Signor," gesticulated the waiter wildly, "all our ice creams are Neapolitan." I had banana dipped in molten chocolate with a blood-orange sorbet.
Gran Caffe GambrinusVia Chiaia 1, 00-38-081-417582, www.caffegambrinus.com. Previous patrons of this cafe include Oscar Wilde and Guy de Maupassant. Founded in 1860, it's perfect for morning coffee. Try the improbable Neapolitan breakfast speciality of sfogliatelle, a wispy light pastry filled with ricotta and cinnamon, or taralli, fried doughnuts studded with nuts.
Antonio AntonioVia Partenope 24-27, 00-39-081-2451987. Neapolitan cuisine features a lot of seafood, and none better than in this straightforward seafront restaurant. Some of the sauces are arrabbiata ("angry") or fra diavolo ("brother Devil").
La BersaglieraBorgo Marinari 10-11, 00-39-081-7646016, www.labersagliera.it. The Borgo Marino - village by the sea - is one of the most famous nosheries in Naples. Zephyrs blow in off the Mediterranean, seafood plays a key role and dishes are served with nonchalant sophistication.
5 places to go
Duomo. Via Duomo 147, 00-39-081-449-097, www.duomodinapoli.com. Most of the cathedral was built in the 13th century, but it was subsequently devastated by serial earthquakes. The duomo is the yearly venue for the miraculous liquefying of St Gennaro's blood. If it's not a miracle, it might be to do with the heat from the cardinal's hands.
Museo Archeologico NazionalePiazza Museo 19, 00-39-081-440166, www.marketplace.it/museo. nazionale. One of the world's most important archeological museums, the whole sweep of civilization is on show here: Egyptians, Pompeii and whatever you're having yourself.
Certosa di San MartinoLargo San Martino 8. Dominating the city, the San Martino monastery overflows with art. Founded circa 1325, it's about the same vintage as Castel Sant'Elmo next door.
Santa ChiaraVia Benedetto Croce. This is likely to be the quietest place you'll come across in Naples. At the rear of this cavernous church are the 14th-century cloisters. These are probably the most beautiful in Italy - pause and wonder at the divine certainties that inspired such a moving place.
Via San SebastianoIf you've ever had a hankering to own a Neapolitan mandolin, you've hit the jackpot. Myriad shops on the Via San Sebastiano will offer you an instrument from about €80 to anything northwards of €1,500.
Check out
Via San Gregorio Armenois almost entirely devoted to selling Christmas decorations, or presepi. The most famous supplier is Ferrigno Marco (Via S Gregorio Armeno 8, 00-39-081-5523148). Even avowed humbugs shouldn't miss this heavy-duty treat.
Hit the shops
The narrow streets around Vico Belledonne a Chiaiahave scores of shops selling unusual swag. Jewellery made from red coral is ubiquitous - try Arte in Oro (Via Benedetto Croce 20, 00-39-081-551-6988). Across the street, Gay-Odin (00-39-081-551-3491, www.gay-odin.it) has been pushing supplies to Neapolitan chocoholics since 1894. For clothes bargains go to Mercatino di Antignano in Piazza degli Artisti. Via Chiaia and Via Toledo also feature budget-friendly clothes.
Via dei Millie, Via Filangieri, and Via Chiala are where Neapolitans shop for luxury brands.
A good night out
Even a Finnish pastor would find it difficult not to party in Naples. For a terrific Neapolitan knees-up, start with a cocktail in the shadow of Castel dell'Ovo, on the waterfront. Then head into town for a spot of opera at the Teatro di San Carlo (Via San Carlo 98, 00-39-081-7972331, www.teatrosancarlo.it). Naples is big on opera - even local boy Caruso was booed here. To finish, enjoy nibbles, nightcaps and a boogie at nearby Cafe Cantante (Via Palepoli 9, 00-39-081-2540-5068).
Hot spot
Piazza BelliniIt turns out that Bellini was a composer, not just a drink. However, the piazza he gave his name to provides everything from the eponymous cocktail to quality eating. The locals call it one of the liveliest squares in town, and if a Neapolitan describes somewhere as lively, you can take it as read that 100 Temple Bar hen parties would go entirely unnoticed. Tables spill out from the many bars and cafes, impromptu music sessions begin, and conviviality levels breach the Geneva Convention. Regularly.
Before you go
Learn a few words of Italian. Outside the main hotels, few people speak English, even fewer Irish. Just a few words of Italian will go down well, and you could be treated to an impromptu Italian lesson.
GO There
Aer Lingus (www.aerlingus.com) flies from Dublin to Naples five times a week.