Old Moore was not telling porkies after all

Bacon was sizzling news this month, as were Biblical revelations, though real estate orbiting an alien star was a stretch of several light years

 

‘Pork contamination makes the news’ 
And it did! In the sense that pig products themselves were the contaminant. “Bacon causes cancer” screamed the headlines after the meanies at the World Health Organisation classified red meat as a cancer-causing substance and processed meat (including bacon) as a “group 1 carcinogen” like tobacco.

The truth got a little lost in the reporting. The classification is meant to indicate the solidity of the connection to cancer, what it does not do is indicate the level of risk. Whereas smoking increases your relative risk of lung cancer by 2,500 per cent, eating two slices of bacon a day increases your risk for colorectal cancer by a much smaller 18 per cent.

Phew! That’s okay then. I can continue eating a largely bacon-based diet with absolutely no adverse medical consequences (stuffs fist-fulls of bacon in mouth).

‘Talk about dropping religion from the school curriculum’
Sort of. Hundreds turned up in Dublin city centre last week to protest religious discrimination in education. Over 90 per cent of the State funded schools in Ireland remain under Catholic Church control and when school places are limited, the management reserve the right to discriminate in favour of children who have been baptised in the eyes of their God (an Iron Age, Canaanite war deity sometimes known as Yahweh).

They also reserve the right to fire gay people if they see fit. Former minister Ruairí Quinn did try to increase the number of non-denominational schools but this only resulted in three schools (two Protestant) being transferred to non-religious patrons. This is, of course, a bizarre and unfair situation and it has led to much recent comment in international papers.

‘Bible will be in the news with new evidence’
I don’t know what constitutes “evidence” but according to an obscure Israeli news report, a New Mexico archaeologist believes he’s found the ancient city of Sodom in the Tall el-Hammam excavation project in the Southern Jordan Valley.

Sodom, for your information, was the place where Lot offered up his daughters to be raped by a mob rather than have the mob insult his guests. This is one of the many biblical messages lost in this Godless age but possibly taught in Irish schools.

‘Space real estate in the news . . . and we realise we have no laws to cover this new frontier’
This month scientists have hypothesised that strange light-absorbing blobs observed by astronomers orbiting the catchily named star, KIC 8462852, might actually be a megastructure built by an advanced alien race to harvest solar energy. (There are plenty of other, less dramatic, explanations for the phenomenon advanced by scientific killjoys who are no fun at parties: techinsider.io/alien-megastructure-explained-oblate-star-2015-10.)

The second bit of Old Moore’s prediction – “and we realise we have no laws to cover this new frontier” – doesn’t seem relevant here given how many light years you’d have to travel to put a “for sale” sign on KIC 8462852. Although that probably depends on your response to the next question: would you be interested in purchasing the deeds to an alien megastructure and/or an apartment in Cape Verde?

‘Murdoch in the news’
This month the deathless billionaire press mogul is reportedly rebounding from his third wife Wendi Deng, with Jerry Hall, fashion model and former

partner of Mick Jagger. Good for them. I assume like me you were always rooting for those crazy kids to get together.

Harry Styles will be in the news. A lot’
The floppy-haired pop sprite was in the news, but no more than usual, really. Many One Direction fans were disappointed when they rescheduled a Belfast gig due to illness and apparently television personality Caroline Flack’s new biography mentions her relationships with both Harry Styles and Prince Harry (a lesser Harry, who certainly isn’t prince of our hearts).

‘Irish drivers in the news: new charges to pay’
Not quite. It turns out many drunk drivers aren’t even being made to pay drunk driving fines. At Irish District Courts, over half of drivers found to be over the legal alcohol limit escaped conviction, according to figures revealed this month, contrasting with a 97 per cent conviction rate in England and Wales.

‘Aids, MS and breast cancer breakthroughs’
Hearteningly, there are googleable news reports about Aids, MS and breast cancer breakthroughs almost every month. So it’s not specific to October really, but a sincere thanks to all the brilliant researchers out there who are saving lives.

 

November predictions: Sickness and high seas

Ireland

  • Failing vessels in the news.
  • A boating tragedy off Irish waters.
  • A plane mishap for Ireland.
  • Package holidays in the news.
  • Wild seas make the news.

World

  • Feminisation of men in the news. Complaints that we live in a feminine age.
  • Decline of heterosexual marriage numbers. Homosexual marriage numbers up.
  • More sickness for the pope. The next pope will be known as the “Dark Pope.”
  • Unrest in China, Japan and India. This region is on the move and changing fast in 2015.
  • Miley Cyrus (top) enters the world of soft porn.
  • Elton John not well . . . stomach problems/ulcer.
  • No Middle East country safe for westerners, even ones we consider allies.
  • Cyber hacking makes banking unsafe.
  • School shootings on the rise . . . the rise of cyber schools due to parents not wanting to send their kids to school.
  • India on fire.
  • Brangelina marriage in jeopardy – another child likely though.
  • A movie for Miley.
  • Language differences will start to disappear.
  • There will be a lot of old people as medicine improves.
  • Several train incidents appear in the news.
  • Cruise ships will be everywhere.
  • A new method of transport.
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