My husband withholds money from me but gives freely to the kids

PROBLEM: My husband and me are not on the same page about money and need help with this constant stress in our lives. He is the biggest earner. I earn half what he does. When the kids were little I let my career go to be at home with them, get them to school, etc. Ten years ago I went back to work full time to a low-paid job, but it was such a relief to have my own money again. The way he thinks is that the money he earns is his, so he gets to make decisions on how we spend it. It has been like this all along but now I feel I can't tolerate much more of this and sometimes I feel like I am smothering. We have constant arguments and I feel like sometimes that I am locked in a cage. His attitude to money with me is very mean, yet I see him give freely to the kids. Where can we start to sort this, or is it too late now? We are almost 20 years married.

ADVICE: Asking couples about how they negotiate money plus how their intimacy is gets to the root of a relationship. The money question is all about power and this can demonstrate how equal or not the relationship is. Some couples have separate bank accounts and then a third account where the household money is managed, but this gets tricky when there is a big discrepancy when one person earns a lot more than the other. It seems that you took a joint decision to let your career go so that your children could be looked after at home. Now the consequences of that decision are being felt strongly in that you have missed out on the career ladder and have a low-paid job. Did you assume that your husband would appreciate this sacrifice and make recompense or was the writing always on the wall?

You say your husband is mean to you but generous towards his children, and this is worth investigating. Does he treat you as an extension of himself and is he applying self-discipline to both of you? Anyone who needs to exercise power over another in some way feels powerless and they try to address this by forcing others to do what they tell them. These are not the actions of a confident, secure person and the danger is that if they will increase their attempt to control. However, your husband has at least 20 years of a pattern of withholding money as a way of feeling secure, so any attempt to address this issue will need perseverance and patience.

Are you confident enough in him and in the potential of the relationship to take on this issue? You say that you are arguing all the time and this is not changing any behaviour. This sense of smothering that you have no doubt leads to resentment, and I imagine the intimacy and affection has also suffered. The relationship may feel as though it is devoid of any point of continuing and yet there are some hopeful signs. You write because you haven’t quite given up and we only fight if we care enough to do so.

You are arguing because of your huge sense of unfairness. Your husband also has an inherent sense of fairness, so I wonder if this could be harnessed in order to have a conversation where you are not shouting at each other. What does he think is fair in the equation of raising the family and the spending of family money? If you cannot manage this conversation, perhaps he might listen to one of your adult children. Of course, you do not want your children to take sides but they may have a perspective on natural justice and he may be able to hear something from them that he cannot hear from you. If this does not work, you have to decide whether you need to take a step further and ask for counselling or mediation. This, of course, creates crisis in that the question of continuing in the relationship is opened up. However, if something does not happen, then it is very likely that the current situation will continue, and you are looking to a future where your marriage will be full of snide remarks, resentment and justifications.

Our attitudes to money are deeply held and probably come from our families of origin. These patterns are very hard to change and we are unlikely to shift our positions until we can see a benefit in an alternative route.  You and your husband have very different perspectives on money. Before either of you can withstand a challenge, you might try to fully understand each other’s positions first.