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My family are those annoying people at Tayto Park

Are We There Yet? ‘Tearing the arse out of it’ is our official family motto

Charles Coyle opens the new Driving School at Tayto Park, Ashbourne, Co Meath

Róisín Ingle's face
Róisín Ingle
Fri Apr 6 2018 - 06:00

It’s just been opened again for the new season, so we went back to Tayto Park. We are those annoying people who arrive at the park on the dot at 10am and have to be kicked out when the park closes at 6pm. It’s calling “tearing the arse out of it”, which is our official family motto.

There is something new in the park: the Nissan Driving School has arrived, so kids can drive like severely speed-restricted demons around a 1km track and get a “driving licence”.

It’s not like the dodgems – that’s what you have to keep yelling at your kids as they break red lights and rear-end other battery-operated mini-cars.

Matilda, the hit musical, is coming to the Bord Gáis Energy Theatre

“Imagine,” one daughter said to me afterwards. “I have a driving licence and you don’t.” Another proud moment for the parenting annals.

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The next day we went on a holiday “out foreign” and visited the principality of Monaco, where at least once a year the cars go around the streets a bit faster.

We read in our guide book that approximately one in every three people in Monaco is a millionaire; in actual fact the locals looked quite normal, which was a little disappointing. Still, the millionaires' yachts moored in the marina creak nicely as you pass by. They have names like Alpha Papa, Big Boy Putin and Black Shark (I am only making one of these up).

We were lucky enough to be given a go of a boat, and it was fun posting messages and pictures on our family WhatsApp from our luxury perch on the Mediterranean. Sample posts: “We just sailed past Bono’s gaff!” and “Enjoying #FreshlyShuckedOystersOnTheMed!” and “Is it snowing at home yet?” but after a while my Irish guilt and shame at having too much of a good time took over.

I solved this by having lunch in an English pub called The English Pub one day while it lashed rain outside. The news from Belfast was filtering through, which added to the gloom. I watched Irish social media from afar as people loudly expressed their disgust at blatant misogyny and sexism. The sun danced through the clouds for a bit after that.

Later we walked up to Prince Albert’s palace, ogled jellyfish in the stunning aquarium and visited the cathedral. Then we asked one of the omnipresent surly policeman – this one was both rude and charming at the same time, which is tricky to pull off – for directions to the Princess Grace Irish Library. The library is tiny but wonderful, a little oasis of bookish Irishness. We loved it.

We did lots of other memorable things on holiday, including busking as Gaeilge at the weekly market in nearby Ventimiglia, Italy. I could tell you more but unfortunately it is my duty as Are We There Yet? correspondent to remind you about summer.

You see, I know it feels like this interminable winter that kidnapped spring will never end, but summer is apparently on the way.

So have you made your summer camp/holiday spreadsheet already? Do you know what’s happening with the kids from one end of the yawning school holiday calendar chasm to the next?

Well, I am the last person to be smug about these things but as another millionaire who doesn’t look like a millionaire once sort of said in a Cork lilt: “fail to prepare your summer camp/child-minding schedule, prepare to fail”. Consider this your (and mine) friendly eight-week warning.

SOME THINGS TO DO WITH CHILDREN OVER THE WEEKEND

TAYTO PARK

Back open for the new season, and there are lots of Easter-themed activities – and of course that giant, wooden Cú Chulainn rollercoaster for the really brave – to keep children entertained all weekend. Mr Tayto will be making guest appearances every day, there’s complimentary face painting, Easter arts and crafts and animal feedings and talks. The new Driving School is a great addition to the popular theme park – just note the “driving licence” is not included in the entrance fee.

Where: Tayto Park, Ashbourne, Co Meath.

When: Open all weekend, 10am-6pm.

Cost: Entry to the park is €15, entry with wristbands is €30 and tickets booked online are €28.

Contact: taytopark.ie

IRISH GLASS WORKSHOP

This is glass but not as you know it. It’s a Fragile Irish Glass extravaganza. We are talking glass swords – which seem a tad impractical – glass bells and glass musical instruments on display. It’s still the Easter holidays and there’s no booking required, it’s first come, first served – so just turn up and, for goodness sake, don’t drop anything.

Where: National Museum Decorative Arts and History, Collins Barracks.

When: Friday, April 6th, 1pm.

Cost: Free.

Contact: 01-6777444.

LALALA POP-UP CHOIR WITH JOHN SPILLANE

There’s no such thing as not being able to sing and that’s what you’ll discover at the workshop. Lalala Pop-up Choirs are singing sessions led up by Sam Kavanagh, where anyone – kids and adults – can show up and learn and sing. The workshop begins with Cork songsmith John Spillane presenting a song to the group, which Kavanagh then leads an improvisation of. Over the next hour the audience contribute to a communal arrangement, which is sung together at the end.

Where: Unitarian Church, St Stephen's Green, Dublin.

When: Saturday, April 7th, 3pm, 5pm and 8pm.

Cost: €20.

Contact: bornoptimistic.com for tickets

MATILDA THE MUSICAL

This is very exciting. Another reminder to give thanks for the Bord Gáis Energy theatre, without which we would never get a chance to see all these brilliant West End musicals in Dublin. (Wicked is coming back this year, for example. I've seen it four times and I'm still not sick of it.) I haven't seen Matilda the Musical yet but I've been told it's up there with Billy Elliot, which I've also seen four times. The stand-out song, When I Grow Up, is something of a constant refrain in our house – the kids sometimes sing it too – and this magical Roald Dahl tale is one to look forward to. These tickets will be snapped up so don't delay.

Where: Bord Gáis Energy Theatre, Dublin

When: Opens this weekend, runs until April 28th

Cost: €25-€73

Contact: bordgaisenergytheatre.ie

KIDS COMEDY MAGIC SHOW

They’ve thrown everything into this magic show for children which is touring the country and lands in Gort, Co Galway on Sunday. Expect plate spinning, juggling, mind melting magic, a mini-disco and a free raffle. There’s plenty of comedy too so you can laugh and be amazed by the magic all at the same time.

Where: Gort Community Centre

When: Sunday April 8th, 3pm

Cost: €10 per child(adults go free); tickets available on the door

Contact: 086-3930929 or email thecentregort@yahoo.ie.