How a holiday romance can follow you home

 

Social-media agony aunt Amanda Brownon the binary nature of unrequited love

Dear Cybersorter,

I had a holiday fling. I am single and I like it that way. When I went off to Ibiza with the lads I met someone who was fun to be with but not exactly my type.

Now she has tried to friend me on Facebook and, though I don’t follow her on Twitter, she follows me. She has started to send me public messages. The most recent one said “I hope you are OK?”

She often reacts to my Twitter updates as if she were in on a conversation with me. It’s like she’s having a relationship with me without my consent.

It makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty. I do like her but I don’t want a relationship with her. What’s the best course of action?

BL

Dear BL

With social media, as with STDs, what goes on holiday no longer stays on holiday. It can follow you home.

Though your email acts tough, it’s clear your conscience is bothering you. What you saw as a holiday fling, she saw as a holiday romance, or possibly a true deep connection to another human being.

If you weren’t clear with her from the beginning about staying separate after you got on the plane home, you have behaved unfairly.

If you like her, you should follow her Twitter feed and send her a direct message. You should apologise for hurting her and explain you are not interested in anything further.

You should then block her for your own and her good. Be aware when you block someone on Twitter, unlike Facebook, they can still see your public profile page.

Dear Cybersorter

I have been seeing a man for about two months and he has updated his relationship status to “in a relationship with...” and added my name.

I like him and I’d like to see where this goes, but I’m just about to head off on my holidays and I was hoping to keep things light for a while longer.

I have left him in confirmation limbo for a week, but I can’t hold it off much longer.

Any suggestions?

AF

Dear AF

He is pushing you down the marketing funnel. When a sales person wants to sell you something before you have decided whether you want it or not, they follow a rule.

The customer goes from awareness to consideration to purchase intent. The marketer’s job is to tip you towards purchase intent.

You are aware of him. You are considering him as a possible purchase, but he is slightly tugging you towards his cash register.

This comes down to two words; love and monogamy. If he has declared love and you have demurred, there’s no reason you should capitulate to pressure to announce your attachment to him in such a public manner.

Simply ignore it and enjoy your holiday. If he pressures you over it, you will probably want to run in the other direction. Feel free.

Cyber Sorter's summer picks

5 dating tweets

@Maybefreinds

BioJill McGrath MD of MaybeFriends.com, an Irish online dating site. Follow me to know more about me and the business.

Typicaltweet Dating tip of the day – learn to listen – you’ll be irresistible

@SingleGalNYC

BioSassy and single NYC-based blogger, journalist, former travel publicist and ex-TV reporter.

Typical tweet@VisitDublin: Will be in Dublin week of 8/17 for blog/book project exploring dating in Europe

@longestmarried

BioTweet relationship questions to the world’s longest- married couple! Together 85 years, Herbert+Zelmyra Fisher will tweet back on Valentine’s Day (14th).

Not updated since Feb 14th but worth a scroll through.

Typical tweetIn response to “Is Fighting Important?”, they tweet: NEVER physically! Agree that it’s okay to disagree, fight for what really matters. Learn to bend – not break!

@couplerelations

BioWhere parents and partners work it out.

Typical tweetBreaking up is hard to do, does it make it easier if your friends are doing it too? Break the trend

@drhelenfisher

BioBiological anthropologist and leading expert in the science of human attraction

Typical tweetThat ‘aha moment’ of insight comes as a whole range of brain cells suddenly change their pattern of firing . . . but old patterns must be let go.

5 dating apps

BadDatesFree from iTunes. On a really truly terrible date? Can’t believe what he wore? Take a pic and upload it, then spend the date rudely blogging about how awful it is. An app for behaving like a git? This is it. If your date wasn’t bad before, then blogging through it will certainly guarantee it.

8,500+ Drink & Cocktail RecipesFree from iTunes. If you are not a bartender or dating one, this app could come in very handy. Transform a nightcap into something more special. Just make sure you have the ingredients before you bring him or her home.

Ask a Girl – The Ultimate Date GuideIf you happen to be one of those bachelors who really can’t grasp at your more feminine side, never fear. Just download this app and a host of women – from kitten lovers to chemistry majors – are on hand to explain. Pre-loaded questions include: “Is it better to make a girl dinner or take her out?” and “Is it a good idea to buy a girl flowers before a date?”.

Date App€0.79 from iTunes. This clever app prepares you for a round of speed dating. Shake the app and bring up a date question and what the answer reveals about your date, eg: What are you most proud of? This reveals the basic values of the person.

Black Book€2.99 from iTunes. The little black book has made it onto your iPhone with one major advantage over pen and paper – it stores a picture of your date with his/her name and number. Lotharios need no longer have that awkward “Nice to see you . . . em, gorgeous” moment. You can rate your dates on it too. Lovely. I suggest if you find someone with one of these, you run for the hills, but that’s just me.


Email cybersorter@irishtimes.com