CAREERS: FIONA REDDAN talks to several working mothers and goes beyond the myths to get a realistic picture of what it takes to strike a balance between a career and a family
IF WOMEN WERE once sold the myth of “having it all”, today’s generation of working mothers have found, in reality, that is seldom the case. Juggling home and work life is not always easy, and women are still struggling with getting the work/life balance right, as epitomised in the recent Sarah Jessica Parker movie I Don’t Know How She Does It.
On top of this, other women can sometimes be less than supportive. Ann Henry, a partner in law firm William Fry, hates when people ask her how she does it all, because she feels that implicit in the question is “you shouldn’t be doing it”.
And like many other working mums, Aisling Walsh, marketing director of Butlers Chocolates, can relate to the main character in the film – particularly her preference for producing home-baked cakes for school events.
In one particular scene Kate Reddy (Parker) bashes up a shop-bought cake in order to make it look home-made, afraid she’ll be judged. But why should women feel such pressure? Is home-baked really better?
“The school gate on cake-sale day can be a very competitive place – probably more so than many offices,” Walsh says, adding that while most small children aren’t aware, or don’t really care what their mothers bring, “it’s the mums just trying to do their very best on all fronts”.
Author Sinéad Moriarty agrees, and wonders about the tendency for women to judge one another. She has been surprised by comments at the school gates on how frequently – or not – particular women collect their children from school.
“Only a woman understands what it is to be a mother, and so we need to support each other and not judge,” she says. “To be honest we’re all struggling and are all just trying to do our best.”
So how do they do it?
Triona Grennan Intel
Rather than sit back and watch her professional skills become obsolete, Triona Grennan is focused on constantly upskilling. And raising two children, Jessica (12) and Eric (10), hasn’t slowed her down.
Her professional life to date is closely aligned with the changes that Intel’s operations in Ireland – and the Irish economy as a whole – have seen over the years. She started with the firm in 1997 as a supervisor in the manufacturing area, before a business degree led her into project management. However, when she saw the skills needed in the industry moving away from just manufacturing and people management towards a technology focus, she decided to start a degree in engineering.
“It’s a very competitive industry, and to get the opportunity to progress you need to continuously upskill. You can stand still and do a good job and get rewarded for that, but it won’t lead you on.”
This has led her to embark on a further degree in engineering, but combining a job, studying and family life has its challenges. While she is supported by Intel in her studies, the degree is time-consuming.
In this regard she is assisted by her mother, who minds the children after school and during holidays, and her husband Ken, who is self- employed in the construction sector. He’s there in the mornings until the kids go to school, and collects them at 5.30pm, and Grennan says she wouldn’t be able to contemplate working full-time and doing a degree if it wasn’t for the “wonderful support” of Ken and her mother, as well as Ken’s parents.
“We made the decision to prioritise my salary, because it’s the most stable,” she says – but there is an emotional price. “Sometimes I feel like I miss out. Sometimes I don’t go to Eric’s football matches at the weekend or go on girlie days out with Jessica because I have to work on an assignment, or some evenings I get home and am too tired and don’t take my turn checking homework and reading bedtime stories.”
It’s a long day – on the road by 6.50am to drive from Edenderry to Leixlip, and not home until 6pm – but she makes sure to get a couple of hours a week to indulge her passion for horses. “It puts everything into perspective. I meet friends and we go to a competition or just a lash through the forests. It helps clear my head.”
And she enjoys her job and the chance it offers to provide financial stability for her family. “I’m aware of what I need to do to still be competitive in seven to eight years’ time, when we will need to have the salary coming in for the children going to university. The Irish economy is getting more and more technology-focused, and that’s where the jobs will be.”
Ann Henry partner, William Fry
When Ann Henry was having her third child, she went on maternity leave on a Friday and got a call the following Wednesday to say she was being accepted as a partner at “big five” law firm William Fry. “Clients want the best person doing the job – they want someone to deliver the results,” she says. “It’s much more of a meritocracy than it was even 10 years ago.”
But to get ahead in law, you have to put in the hours, which can sometimes be difficult for Henry, given her husband also has a demanding job requiring frequent travel. They have a rule that someone has to be there in the morning and the evening with their children, Fionn (five), Gráinne (three) and Suzy (one). “If he is abroad I’ll have to be home on time; if I’m in the commercial court he’ll have to be home on time.”
As a commercial litigator, Ann spends a lot of time in the commercial court, and the six weeks in the run-up to a case can be intense. But when it passes she gets back to normal working hours.
Leaving her first child to go back to work was difficult, “but after six weeks, before you know it, you’re back in a routine”. She also abides by advice her mother gave her. “She was a nurse, and what she always says is that ‘when you walk in the door at work you’re a solicitor, and when you go home you’re a mum’.”
But, she says, “nothing is perfect. You just can’t have everything . . . Sometimes that will mean you can’t do some of the things you’d otherwise like to.”
Her advice to other working mums? “Get a cleaner – you want to have quality time with your children at weekends.” She also recommends a babysitter every Saturday night, in order to spend some time alone with your husband. “One of the most important things is your marriage, and you have to make an effort.”
Emma Kelly MD, Elevate PR
Building your own public-relations business means commitment and long hours, so it was fortuitous for Emma Kelly when her first baby Tom (seven) was born on Christmas Day.
“I had the benefit of the natural break of the Christmas holidays. I was back in for some meetings from early January when he was two weeks old, and back to work full-time at 12 weeks, when our shared nanny started.”
As the business has grown, however, she has been able to take more time off with her subsequent children, Kitty (five) and Daniel (one), getting six weeks off for her last.
But going back to work after the arrival of a new baby has never been a chore. “I always loved getting back at work and found it hard to be at home with the baby.”
She thrives on the buzz of work and the energy of the office. “My daughter says she would love me to be what she calls a ‘yummy mummy’, but I think that minding children and the home full-time is the most demanding job of all – it is easier to go to the office.” Like other mothers, Kelly has not bought into the “having it all” ideal.
“Something has to give – there is no such thing as having it all. In my case I sacrifice a social life, however not having had kids until my mid-30s I am more than happy to do that.”
Caitriona McCarthy tax director, PricewaterhouseCoopers
Caitriona McCarthy never really questioned her decision to go back to work when her first child, Nap (three), was born. “I thought I’d give it a go and see how I got on, and try not to worry too much,” she says, adding that both Nap and her subsequent child Evie (one) settled well into their creche, which helped with the transition back to work.
McCarthy works flexible hours, with core hours of 8am to 4.30pm, which means she doesn’t have to rush to get to the creche to pick them up every evening. She’s happy with the balance, but says that some of her colleagues have pursued other options, such as taking parental leave to go part-time. “You have to do what’s right for you,” she says. She’s positive about future prospects, having seen many other women in her office manage the balance. “I honestly think the fact that I would be working flexible hours wouldn’t stand in my way.”
And apart from progressing with her career, for McCarthy the upside of being a working mum is that her children get to spend more time with their extended families. “Our families are incredibly generous with their time. We know the support is there. If either of us is stuck there is always someone to help out.”
Being short on time means herself and her husband negotiate over parenting duties. “We share it equally and are flexible about it. There are times he does more and times I do more, but we work hard at trying to make sure that the other person has some time to themselves.”
Aisling Walsh marketing director
When Aisling Walsh’s first child was born nearly 15 years ago, 10-month maternity leaves were unheard of. For Walsh, the leave felt even shorter, because her son Sam, now 14, spent some time in hospital after he was born. Getting back to work was a challenge. “No matter how long you have off it’s always hard,” she says. “I always enjoyed working, and I never thought about giving it up.”
For Walsh, her role with Butlers meant that she could never completely switch off from the office during her subsequent maternity leaves for Matthew (11) and Naomi (six), and she kept in touch through the odd phone call.
“Technology has made the life of the working mother easier,” she says, adding that being organised is also critical.
“The mantra of the working mother is to be incredibly organised,” she says – making school lunches at the same time as dinner and laying the table for breakfast before going to bed is all part of her day. “The biggest thing is getting the right form of childcare, good childcare that is reliable and you’re happy with.”
Walsh has used different forms of childcare over the years, from creches to au pairs, with varying degrees of success. She says the au pair experience was positive, but found it hard having someone living in the house. She is now settled on a childminder, which gives her added flexibility when it comes to covering school holidays or making early meetings.
And for mothers stuck in the turmoil of sleepless nights and nappies, Walsh assures that it does get easier. “As kids get older it’s easier to get out. If one person is missing from the mix when they’re small it’s very hard.”
Rowena Quinn director of Space Residential Property Consultants
On a Monday in February last year, Rowena Quinn launched Space, a new estate agency. A challenging time to be doing anything property-related, but even more so given that it had been confirmed she was pregnant the previous Thursday.
When Harry arrived, Quinn found herself pulling on her business suit and going back to work part-time, after just five weeks. “Walking out the door I was very sad, but when I look back I was so sleep-deprived, I wasn’t 100 per cent in tune with what I was doing. But I knew that’s what I had to do. I knew I had to go back very early.”
The fact that Harry weighed in at a sizeable 9lb 3oz, along with her familiarity with her childminder, who had previously worked for her sister, made the transition somewhat easier.
But while she acknowledges that owning her own business allows her flexibility at times to take some time off here and there, during her pregnancy the demands of a start-up business meant there was no down time. “I had not one sick day. I couldn’t, I had to keep going.”
A self-confessed perfectionist, Quinn is adjusting to letting other people take over. She recently came home from work at 6.40pm on a Saturday when her husband had been babysitting. “I asked if Harry had eaten all his tea, and he said, ‘Oh his tea. I forgot to give it to him’,” she laughs. “I have to learn that’s okay, it’s not the end of the world if his routine is unsettled for one day.”
A key to Quinn’s ability to combine work and family has been the support of her childminder, which gives her the flexibility of staying in the office until 7.30pm if she needs to, or getting in for an early meeting if necessary. She also has a good support network – her sister lives five minutes away and, while her family is not from Dublin, her mum is “on the road up and down if I ever need her”.
Colette Fitzpatrick TV presenter
When TV3 presenter Colette Fitzpatrick discovered she was pregnant with her first child last year, her initial thought was that she’d be back in the studio within three or four months of the birth. “I had planned on coming back much sooner but I soon realised how naive that was. Milo was in ICU for a fortnight, and then had very bad colic, so there was no way I could have gone back.” Instead she spent a lot of her six-month maternity leave “walking the floors” before the colic settled at about four months.
When she did go back, she found herself thrust into the spotlight straight away, covering the visits of Barack Obama and Queen Elizabeth to Ireland last May. “The minute you come back it’s like you never left.”
She didn’t give much consideration to leaving her job; the marriage ban forced her own mother to give up work, something she feels her mother regrets. “We were always reared with the notion that you didn’t get a third-level education just to get married and not do anything else.”
She largely works office-type hours, presenting the evening news at 5.30pm with Alan Cantwell each evening. However, she also presents Midweek on Wednesday nights, so her husband or family members collect Milo from the creche.
Sinead Moriarty author
English writer Cyril Connolly famously wrote that a “pram in the hall” is the enemy of creativity, but for Sinéad Moriarty, the arrival of her three children spurred her on.
“Having children opens you up to a whole other world. It has made me more creative, more time-efficient. Also, I think it enhances creativity, as you’re seeing the whole world through new eyes,” she says. She now also has three little muses – Hugo (six), Geordy (five) and Amy (two) – for the characters in her books, and finds that having children has made her more confident as a writer.
Moriarty had her first book, The Baby Trail, published before her first son was born, so she already had a routine in place. However, she has found it difficult juggling deadlines. This year she achieved her ideal timetable for a book, “hibernating all winter” and working very hard with the aim of finishing by June and taking the summer off to spend with her children. It’s something she hopes to repeat.
Now on her seventh book, she keeps up the pace by working assiduously from her home office Monday to Thursday each week, taking Friday off to spend with her children.
But she says that some days it can be difficult to close the door to her children. “What’s surprised me is the guilt. I feel guilty if I don’t pick them up from school every day,” she says, adding that it can be difficult when the children are out with their childminder on a sunny day. “I think I should be with them.”
“I accept the choices I’ve made and don’t beat myself up. I’ve come to terms with it, and hopefully I’ve kind of got a balance – but it’s never the right balance. Their needs change all the time, so you have to be flexible.”
Apart from the guilt, Moriarty was also surprised by how a woman’s identity changes when she become a mother, and she explores this in her latest book, Me and My Sisters. For her, writing has kept her in touch with her “old self”.
“It’s my thing, my identity. It gives me a sense of self and is more important than I thought.”
