Nine Valentine's messages you won't read on a Hallmark card

A Valentine to a cheapskate

Chocolates from Lidl

Champagne from Aldi

I’m forever yours

You old baldy

A Valentine to an unfaithful spouse

We promised to be faithful

Until one of us died

Now there’s one thing

You  haven’t tried

I’ve been through your phone

You’re not alone

A Valentine from your cat

Roses are red

Violets are blue

As long as I’m fed

I don’t care about you

Valentine to a Facebook stalker

When we were bedding

I thought of our wedding

Dressed in white

The perfect age

Then you hacked by site

Now get off my page

Valentine to a lover who thinks chocolates are enough

I ate all the chocolates, replaced them with rocks.

You'll get just desserts

When you open the box.

To an infrequent bather. . .

I’m fuming

At your grooming

As your nasal hair is booming

Yet, it’s not your breath

Your hair, your feet

It isn’t even how you eat

I’ve told you twice

It’s the lice

To a flatulent lover

I'll love you forever

Despite the grey hair

Whatever the weather

Sleep farts we will share.

To a beauty queen...

My darling, my lover

You're mostly good enough

But when you rise in the morning,

Good god you look rough.

Without all your slap

I don't know who you are

And I know that those eyelashes

come from a jar

To a "really good friend"

Rose are red,

And the sun is yellow,

you make me blue

But you're such a nice fellow

I've been meaning to tell you,

I think we should just be friends.

This is where is ends.