The long elbow of the law

EMISSIONS:  Excuse me sorr, could you roll down your window dere, please? Err, yeah, sorry Garda, what seems to be the trouble?

My colleague and I have being monitoring your vehicle for some time now, sorr, and we've noted that you've parked in a bus lane while you nipped into the shops . . .

I had to buy the Star and 40 Blue, officer .

If you don't mind, sorr, I'll continue. We've also observed you swerving in front of several cyclists to stop in bike-lanes whilst having what appears to be a lengthy argument on your mobile phone . . .

Ah, Jaysus, sure don't you know yerself what birds are like, eh, youngfella?

. . . Perhaps. Obviously you must, sorr, considering the amount of sexually explicit comments you've been shouting at young ladies at bus stops . . .

Dem youngwans love it, so dey do, asking for a real man like me, dey are.

Indeed. You've also carried out two u-turns into oncoming traffic, broken God knows how many red lights, and verbally and physically threatened one old woman whose car appears to have broken down through no fault of her own . . .

Sure wasn't I doing the right ting, de auld fool was blocking traffic . . .

. . . on the other side of the road to the one you were travelling on, at 18 miles over the 30 miles per hour limit, sorr.

Doing me duty, officer, just doing me duty. I'm an innocent man, as the great Roy Keane said to Tommy Gorman.

Indeed, sorr. We've also been asked to investigate a complaint from a Chinese gentleman who claims ye drove alongside his bicycle, throwing bits of your kebab at him . . .

I was just helpin' de fella acclimatise, like, he'd be needin' to get used to Irish grub.

. . . and a call from a Nigerian doctor who alleges a vehicle matching this description reversed into his Jaguar at a traffic lights on Baggot Street.

Wha', I taught he'd robbed it, so I crippled de motor! I was doin' youse a favour, and dis is de tanks I get? Dat's typical, dere's no justice for de working man!

Working, sorr? Ye have me and my colleague here puzzled. How does this appalling, sure 'tis downright criminal, behaviour comprise working, exactly?

Wha'? Are yes blind? Look on de roof, man!!

I don't understand, what about the roof?

Ah, Jaysus, I must've forgot to put de sign back on after de weekend in Courtown, it's in de boot. Me head's wrecked from the lager. I'm a bleedin' taxi, officer!

Oh, begod, sure why didn't you say so first ting, sorr? We're fierce sorry altogether for having disturbed you, so we are! Will you be needing any assistance with the roof-sign, sorr? No, well, off you go, and have a good day, sorr, we'd be awful grateful if you wouldn't mention 'dis to de Sergeant, so we would, God bless you sorr.