Why did I decide to eat at Joel's, which occupies a rather arresting building close to the Red Cow roundabout, in west Dublin? I could claim that I'm always in the market for new experiences and that its absence from the Michelin guide is no reason to shun a restaurant.
This is true, of course, but the real reasons are simpler. I was on my way to a meeting nearby, I was hungry and, er, I've always thought the place looked unusual. Its vast windows, overlooking the N7, are strangely hypnotic.
Joel's is a huge, barn-like restaurant with a great deal of banquette seating. It looks like a somewhat misguided tribute to the great American diner, with an overlay of 1980s hotel lobby, and paintings that look as if they are sold by the square metre. There is a long, sinuous carvery and a vast, semi-open kitchen behind. The whole place is run by what appears to be a small army of very busy staff.
I decided to avoid the carvery, because I've never been pleased by what tends to come out of them. Anyway, I wanted to see what the kitchen could do when set free from the constraints of heat lamps and bain-maries. And so I came to have one of the worst meals of my career, a meal so bad that it could not be redeemed by the exceptionally pleasant staff.
The menu, which is as long as the restaurant is large, seems to be an attempt to cover just about every culinary tradition in the world. I decided to go oriental, thinking that a couple of duck spring rolls and a warm Thai beef salad would do nicely.
The spring rolls were the first to attack. On the third bite, and despite the fact that they did not seem red hot, a sudden burst of steam shot from the roll and scalded my lip.
It took some time to regain my composure and concentrate on the taste and texture. They were not particularly oily, but they had a curious musty taste. I decided to investigate and took one of them apart. The duck was sweet and quite good, but the vegetables tasted, well, rather musty.
Some accompanying scraps of chopped lettuce were rather sad and should have been a warning, but it was too late. My warm beef salad was already on its way.
I expect a dish such as this to comprise some thin slices of rare beef, served with a salad of very fresh bean sprouts, cucumber and other suitable salad materials, dressed with lime juice and, perhaps, sesame oil, and liberally spiked with fresh coriander leaves. Some fine glass noodles would be good, too, but are not essential.
What I got was very strange, probably designed, if that's the word, by someone who has never seen, let alone eaten, anything resembling a warm Thai beef salad.
It was a big bowl of "salad" bathed in mayonnaise. This involved large slices of acrid raw onion, peppers, raw broccoli florets, small pieces of carrot, limp cos lettuce, an occasional chunk of unpeeled cucumber and, most bizarrely of all, thick slices of large-bore courgette as raw as the day it was picked. On top of this was a thick layer of thin beef slices, stir-fried and bathed in a sticky brown sauce, stiff with salt, and tasting vaguely of cumin and chilli.
You could argue that this is merely a reinterpretation rather than an abomination, and, if you want to try, be my guest. The point is - and this is just a personal opinion, of course - that it was truly horrible.
I couldn't face the luridly illustrated desserts on the laminated menu, but I needed a strong coffee. And so I ordered - would you credit it? - a ristretto. This is meant to be a very short espresso. What I got was a watery Americano made from the kind of coffee beans that I try to avoid.
With a glass of tepid white house wine and a large bottle of mineral water, the bill came to €33.05.
Joel's Restaurant, Newland's Cross, Naas Road, Dublin 22, 01-4592968
Wine Choice: This won't take long. As I have said before, when you see Blossom Hill on a wine list, you know to expect very little, and so it is here. You can also have Black Tower. I rest my case. Vidal-Fleury Côtes du Rhône (€24.50) is a decent wine, as is Trapiche Oak Cask Malbec (€22.50), from Argentina. Crisp, minerally Chablis from Domaine Long-Depaquit (€27.95) looks quite out of context. Champagne Laurent-Perrier NV is quite good value at €59. The Blossom Hill Rose is €17.95, if you're so inclined. Leffe and Erdinger beers do their best to cheer the place up.