Shane Hegarty's encyclopaedia of modern Ireland
Every day brings the results of some new survey. Have you ever been asked to take part in one?
73 per cent of questionnaires have asked me that.
I am in the C2DE demographic and am therefore of no value to your advertisers.
I've already told the cops everything I know.
Surveys pad out the media, which welcomes a regular stream of research by which to measure our lives. It pours in until the information sloughs into one big mess of contradictory certainties.
The Irish are the happiest, but they are also the most stressed. Irish workers are the most contented, yet they also most want to leave their jobs. A couple of weeks ago a survey told us that, because the Irish are the people most likely to use the word "lonely" in a Google search, we are the "loneliest" people on earth.
The news shot across the world, and to our image as fun-loving economic tigers the Irish can add a new-found reputation as a bunch of loners, sitting at home on our computers while we polish our shotguns sinisterly. It might have been that a phalanx of Irish Beatles fans eagerly searching for information on their favourite album inadvertently condemned us. But who cares for subtlety? The survey has spoken.
That such research is generally treated seriously is surprising, given how much of it seems designed as part of PR exercises. A survey commissioned by, say, a biscuit company will reveal the amazing fact that the Irish are the world's biggest eaters of biscuits. Or a cosmetics company, trying to sell a new shampoo, will come out with the shocking statistic that 78 per cent of Irish people report the symptoms of tired hair.
Alternatively, the research can be seen as the result of a pathological need to categorise every one of us. To fit each individual into a neat socio-economic group with its own code, such as ABC1 (minted) or C2DE (reads the Sun).
The aim is to reach a point at which a single category will sum up everything about us. Beside the names on our gravestones will be a selection of boxes to tick from:
Loving husband, ABC1, moderate conservative.
35-44 years old, biscuit-eater, with two dependants.
Ticked the wrong box on a survey 14 years ago; since categorised as someone with rare congenital disorder that dictated he wear only blue hats.