It's time for a Christmas dance with builders, says ISOBEL MORTON

IS THIS THE last hurrah? What exactly is happening? I can’t quite fathom what’s going on, but in the last few months, there has been a huge increase in the number of people investing in home improvements.

With the country hanging on by a thread, the euro on the verge of collapse, property prices in the doldrums and banks not lending, I wonder where the money’s coming from?

Has it been hidden under mattresses, saved up in post office accounts or secreted in a Swiss bank account? Hard to tell and not something one can enquire about, but wherever it’s been lying dormant for the last three years, it’s great to see that it’s now being spent.

Unlike former times, when miles of hoardings surrounded homes, advertising everyone from the architect to the landscaper, these days it’s a covert undercover operation, conducted quietly and discreetly.

From the outset, homeowners these days look pained, uncomfortable and somewhat guilty about spending money on their property. They feel obliged to provide a legitimate excuse for such wanton extravagance and imply, that if the works weren’t absolutely necessary, they wouldn’t contemplate them for a moment.

They also feel compelled to repeatedly remind everybody of their restricted budget, which can never stretch to paying the (now considerably reduced) labour rates, but somehow, can always run to designer wallpaper.

And these days, particularly in the run up to Christmas, everyone wants everything done yesterday and nobody expects to have to wait.

I may be hallucinating but there has been a touch of the old days about the last few weeks, as the countdown to Christmas begins in earnest.

Builders have always hated Christmas and nothing appears to have changed there. As far as they are concerned, the mere mention of the word is tantamount to a verbal threat.

You can be absolutely sure that every extension, renovation, conversion or redecoration, will have the yuletide deadline stamped on it even before the job starts.

The dreaded date is slipped into the conversation early in the proceedings and mentioned with increasing intensity as the weeks and month pass by.

Initially, it’s casually mentioned, as if it’s of little relevance but a given nevertheless, as clients look for reassurance: “Oh dear, this room looks so much smaller than I had imagined. It will fit my dining table, won’t it? You know it’s my turn to host Christmas dinner this year?

Then they’ll aim to butter up the builder with a promise of another similar job: “Honestly, you guys are really fantastic, the way you’re keeping the pressure on to get us back in for Christmas. Mary next door tells me that she’s very impressed and is seriously considering getting you to do her extension in the New Year.”

Then they look for understanding and sympathy: “We’ve been living out of suitcases for months, sharing one room in my mother’s place and I’m worn out trying to keep the children quiet, as mum’s just not used to having noisy kids around, and she’s getting on a bit now. I can hardly wait to get back into my own home, as the thought of having to spend Christmas there, would be horrific!”

With the builders working away steadily but astutely avoiding giving any reassurances that the job will be completed before the yuletide celebrations, the client’s tactics change.

The husband will invariably, appear on site at 8am one Monday morning (having been harangued by his wife all weekend) and demand an exact completion date. Later, reporting back to his irate wife, he’ll realise that the builder made all the right sounds but, as per usual, said nothing definitive and never actually committed to anything.

And, as the house starts taking shape, clutching colour cards, fabric swatches and tile samples, she’ll give regular guided tours to her mother, her friends and neighbours, all of whom will confuse her further with their opinions on every aspect of the interior design, as a result of which, she will change her mind about everything, yet again.

Just as the clients are on the point of threatening the builder for his apparent tardiness, roles will be reversed as, in order for the job to proceed, the client must make final choices on finishes.

It’s at this stage, that the builders get their revenge, as they gleefully watch their clients run off in a panic to source sanitary wear, tiles, floor covering, kitchen units, light fittings and so on. Every time they return with one item, they’ll be sent off again to source the next.

And, one way or the other, the job will get done and the clients will be back in their home for the festive season: with decorations being put up at the last second and a long snag list to be attended to in January, but in nevertheless.

And, where it may be the nation’s last hurrah, for the builders it will be hip, hip hurray, as for this year at least, they can afford to celebrate the festive season.

Isabel Morton is a property consultant