Trouble on the double

ASK THE EXPERT:Sit between squabbling siblings to ensure each gets a turn with the toys

Q I am the mother of two lovely twin girls aged 13 months. They are great girls and really seem to love each other. Every day we can see them learning from each other. But they have started fighting over everything and anything (ie toys, food, shoes, etc). It is not practical nor do I want to have two of everything, but we do not know how to deal with it when, for example, a fight breaks out over a toy. One girl will grab the toy from her sister and then one or both start crying. I really don’t think they understand what they are doing and I’m not sure how to respond. Can you please help?

AI would imagine that your experience with your twins is echoed in many houses around the country. Not only families with twins but all families probably have experienced a degree of fighting among siblings.

At their age, the twins are becoming more aware of themselves and each other as separate entities. This means that they realise that they can operate more independently of each other and of you. This is the next step of their more proactive exploration of the world.

I assume that they are mobile, by crawling if not walking, and this means that they can travel further and wider to discover what their environment has to offer. Alongside that, as you have seen, they can also journey to find out what each other has discovered.

Like any one year old they then also want to hold, touch and examine whatever toy or object it is that the other has found. Unfortunately, at their age, they haven’t yet learned to share or to take turns. As a consequence, their frustration at not getting to experience the object immediately leads to a squabble with each of the girls simply wanting to have “the toy” to explore.

Your response, therefore, needs to take this into consideration. Like you recognise, they are not particularly intent on having a fight (ie they are not going out, consciously, looking to row with each other) and they are also not yet able to make sense of their own frustrations at not getting what they want when they want it.

The key part of your response is that you try to intervene as quickly as possible. Always go to where they are and separate them (if one has a handful of the other’s hair, for example). Then try to help them to regulate whatever emotions seem evident. For example, you may find that you have to soothe their frustration and upset.

One way to do this is by picking up the twin who doesn’t have the toy, and is most likely to be screaming, and cuddling her while saying things like “it is really upsetting when you can’t play with that ball at the same time as your sister”. Then you try to distract her to some other toy or activity.

At this stage I don’t believe there is any point in trying to work out if either child is “at fault” for grabbing/shoving and such like because unless you were there to witness the squabble develop, you can’t tell how it got to the point at which you arrive to the scene. If needed, therefore, you comfort both.

There is no punishment necessary for them for squabbling or grabbing. At their age it is quite natural and instinctive to grab at something that they want, without concern for the person who is holding the object. Certainly you have a role in teaching them not to grab and instead to wait their turn but this is a slow process.

Here is my preferred way of teaching children to learn to share. If there is a toy, like a ball or a car or a doll, that they both want at the same time then you can sit between them and physically, roll or pass the toy from one to the other. Because you are present you can ensure that they each get many turns and, consequently, lots of opportunity to have the toy for a short period before it moves back to their sister.

Through the repetition of the passing of the ball (that you ensure occurs) they learn to be confident that when they give the ball away it will come back. It is this trust that forms the basis of sharing and turn-taking.

Teaching them to share is a noble task and very necessary in the longer term but it may not have the short-term outcome that you need right now. For now, your main job is to be present with them as much as possible and to prevent them from hurting one and other and to help them to be busy either together or separately.

• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster. His new book, Parenting is Child's Play: The Teenage Years, is available now.

• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com