Observing a party of women in a Chinese restaurant in Limerick recently, I was struck by the fact that all their conversation seemed to be about people. Names bounced around the table; except when they spoke in lowered voices, as women do when they are shredding someone’s reputation in complete confidence. Still, it all seemed to provide further evidence that women’s friendships are different from men’s.
A few weeks later I observed a group of men eating out in a Chinese restaurant in Belfast (I get to spend a lot of time in Chinese restaurants on my own). The men got an entire and lengthy conversation out of golf: except towards the end when one of them got up to demonstrate a dance to the waitress, who declined his invitation to join in.
But while women seem to be expert at cultivating close and warm friendships, it isn’t always so. I was surprised some years ago to find that many single mothers – in Dublin at any rate – are quite alone. I had assumed that some sort of female solidarity or networking would come into play but in fact many cope without benefit of the shared experience, wisdom or friendship of other women.
It’s also not uncommon for female friendships to fall away in the late 20s and early 30s as women become absorbed in long-term relationships. It’s common enough for the woman who isn’t in a long-term relationship to look around suddenly and find she’s on her own. The same thing happens to men for the same reasons. Both genders may reconnect later in life.
It also seems to me that women’s fallings-out can be more extreme than men’s. This is based purely on observation but it does seem that women can fall out with each other with a finality that isn’t usually found among men.
It may be that the way in which members of each gender relate to each other works well for that gender but might not be easily transferable.
For instance, it’s commonplace to say that women talk about their problems to each other and men do not. Certainly, women seem ready and able to discuss their emotional issues with other women in a way that doesn’t strike me as common among men. On the other hand, this may enable men to find a welcome level of escape from their problems in male company.
But who do we men talk to about our problems? We talk to the women who are closest to us. These could be wives, mothers, partners, sisters, girlfriends or female confidantes. It’s just that it’s not done as readily by men as by women.
Nonetheless it does seem to me that when women network they network really well and show a great deal of overt support for each other. That’s important because well-functioning social connections are important for our mental health and are really good for combatting stress. In fact, after exercising, having strong social connections is the biggest protector against the damaging effects of stress.
That’s where men can learn from women. But that in turn doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with the way we normally behave. Men don’t have to become women and women don’t have to become men. But sometimes we can take a leaf from each other’s book. From a man’s point of view, I think this means being a little more ready to confide in male friends when we have a problem, and at an earlier stage. It means being willing to confide our problems to women friends (in which I include partners and spouses) if we haven’t been doing so already.
And women should appreciate that when men come to them with their problems, they need a hearing because they may be reluctant to have those conversations with other men.
Maybe women should also be aware that other women who are acquaintances and have, perhaps, been friends, can find themselves in circumstances – such as lone parenthood – in which they desperately need a listening ear.
Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness on the Go. His mindfulness newsletter is free by email. pomorain@yahoo.com