Your Family

Thorny subject of discipline likely to polarise opinion

Whether a beginner or seasoned pro there is always an opportunity for a parent to learn

Child in naughty corner, being bullied, having time out or having a tantrum.

Jenny Sherlock
Tue Jul 30 2019 - 06:01

The area of discipline can be a contentious issue with polarising views, but it’s a topic which raises many questions. Many of the ways we discipline our children are learned from our own parents which can be both positive and negative.

On the one hand, you could be of the opinion that you turned out fine so using your parents’ approach is best. But on the other hand changing society has meant that expectations have changed and some of what was okay in previous generations is no longer an accepted norm.

Whether you are a beginner or seasoned pro there is always an opportunity to learn and grow as a person and as a parent.

How much is too much?

Have you ever been in a situation, possibly a public place where there is a parent shouting at a child or disciplining a child in a way you thought was unnecessary? I know I have. I also know that I occasionally fly off the handle with my own kids when I would potentially achieve more by speaking to them calmly. While it is difficult to define a healthy level of discipline, studies have shown that it is important for a child’s development that they learn how to recognise boundaries and follow rules. It is difficult from a parent’s perspective not to overreact occasionally, especially if you have a teen showing zero common sense or a toddler who has no interest in co-operating, or at least that’s my experience. If you add in behavioural difficulties, it can become even more difficult and it can take years to discover what works for you and your family.

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Will lack of discipline result in a child being ‘spoiled’?

There is an age-old viewpoint that an undisciplined child will end up spoiled but this is not necessarily true. While it is important to teach our children right from wrong and show them boundaries, discipline is not the only way to achieve this. For example, gentle parenting promotes equality between child and adult, treating the relationship as a working partnership rather than a power play.

Is it possible to strike a balance?

It’s not always easy to strike the right balance but it is possible. The approach you take will depend on your personality in addition to your child’s. The needs of the child and the family will also dictate a lot of the ways we parent.

We can encourage children to self-regulate in relation to their behaviours which can go a long way towards achieving an appropriate level of discipline. We can do this in a number of ways:

  1. Define the boundaries. Set limits with clear consequences and follow through if a rule is broken.
  2. Be consistent. A lesson will not be learned if the goalpost is constantly being moved.
  3. Give credit where credit is due. Targeted and specific praise will be well received but generic praise may feel like you are paying lip service.
  4. Try to avoid constantly saying no. Parents often feel like a broken record and if "no" is all they hear, children can often tune out or begin to ignore the response in favour of what they want to do.
  5. Avoid empty promises. Again it is important that you are consistent and deliver on promises made.
  6. Remember you were young once. This is especially true with teenagers. We were all young once, made mistakes, answered back and pushed buttons. It will pass but that doesn't mean you have to accept inappropriate behaviours.
  7. Pick your battles. Ask yourself whether this particular situation merits an argument or whether there are more constructive ways to teach lessons.
  8. Be the role model you wanted as a child. Children often mimic the behaviours they see. This is why we often see much of ourselves in our children. Sometimes improved behaviour needs to begin with the source!
  9. This too shall pass. Sometime a bit of patience and a time out is all we need. Take a deep breath and count to 10 before you start shouting. Removing yourself temporarily from the situation can give you some perspective.
  10. It is okay to admit you were wrong. It is not true that children will exploit all signs of weakness. Rather showing them some humility can be an excellent lesson in accepting responsibility for our actions.

An ideal approach to discipline is to minimise the need and to find an approach that works for the particular situation you are faced with. Help your child to learn how to make good decisions, promote acceptable behaviours and show them how to recognise potential consequences of their actions. Where discipline is necessary a calm, measured approach will achieve more than yet another rant about how they never listen. Striking a balance is not only better for our children but is more beneficial to our own mental health and wellbeing.

Learning the right way to deal with each child is a work in progress and different situations may require different approaches. Remember that you are human and you will not always get it right but continuous self-improvement is an important example to set for our children.