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‘I’m falling in love with my online language tutor’

Ask Roe: ‘My tutor has such similar life experiences, taste in music and pop culture as I do and we can while away an hour just chatting’

Dear Roe,

I think I am falling in love with my online language tutor. I started taking online Spanish classes in January. It’s a one-on-one speaking lesson for an hour a week. My tutor has such similar life experiences, taste in music and pop culture as I do and we can while away an hour just chatting. I am aware that I am paying him for the class, but still I feel like it is genuine. However, he lives abroad, and I do get that it’s hard to really know someone online. Should I just stop taking the classes and try forget about him? The romantic in me wants to continue and see where it takes me, but I don’t want to get hurt seeing how weird a situation it is – it being all online, that I am paying for our conversations, that he lives so far away, and also Covid.

You seem aware of the barriers to this becoming an actual relationship, and the particular dynamic of him being your paid tutor. But let me reiterate that you have spent no time together (even online) as equals who are choosing to spend time together, and you do not know if he has any interest in you beyond teaching you a language. You also don’t mention what age you both are, and if there’s a significant gap there to be mindful of.

So for now, maybe stop telling yourself that you’re in love. You have a crush. Romantic love is a shared process built between people who are open to the process. Unrequited love is most often a projection. And as your tutor, this man is a very easy canvas to project upon.

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Many people get crushes on teachers and instructors all the time, for very obvious, understandable reasons: they’re confident and knowledgeable; your time together is one-on-one and focused on you which can feel intimate; and you’re learning which can be an exciting, even intoxicating experience itself. Add in the isolation of Covid, and it makes sense that you could develop feelings for your tutor over months.

Now, I love a good crush, and crushes on teachers aren’t necessarily a problem; in some cases, they can be their own fun learning motivation. In your case, learning how to speak in another language just feels like chatting about things you like – which is fantastic. But do remember that you don’t know this man outside of this mixed dynamic of student/teacher and employer/employee, and he could well be tailoring his interests to help teach you how to speak about yours.

Think carefully about how your feelings are affecting you, and if you actually want to do anything about them. Do you still need these one-one-one classes or are you now just paying him to chat? If you want to keep learning, is your crush getting in the way or motivating you? And would you actually want to try have a long-distance relationship, or is having a crush something you could enjoy instead of feeling tormented by?

If you don’t need more classes, stop wasting your money, end your classes and then just ask him if he’d like to stay in touch. You’ll get a quick answer on whether he wants to explore anything further. Or if you do want to keep learning, either enjoy the crush for what is it and use it as motivation to impress him by learning those tricky irregular verbs – or just download DuoLingo. It will text you so much you’ll feel like it has a crush on you.