Ask the expert: Switching children off at night

Part two of this series on the importance of a good night’s sleep for families explores the challenge of technology and whether to have different bedtimes when you have more than one child. Send your parenting queries to health@irishtimes.com

My 14-year-old son is a poor sleeper, which has implications for him getting up in the mornings. He has got into bad habits and has a TV in his room. He says watching TV in his room helps him relax before sleep, though I am not sure. He is also on his tablet all the time and plays games on this before bed. He is meant to turn them off by 9:30pm, although he is always pushing it and it often leads to a row between us. When I threatened to remove all the technology from his room, he freaked out. What should I do?

Screens and technology have invaded family life and they are certainly a mixed blessing. Despite your son’s protests, watching TV or using technology before bed is not associated with relaxing sleep but, in fact, the reverse.

The general recommendation is to have all screens turned off a good hour or two before sleep. It is often best not to have them in the bedroom at all, as the temptation is to use them right up until bedtime; indeed, many teens switch them back on in the middle of the night when their parents are asleep. As a result, many families try to establish good habits about technology by establishing rules such as phones and tablets are put away after 8pm, or no technology during dinner time, in order to encourage chatting.

Introducing these rules with teenagers can be difficult and, of course, there can be resistance. Generally, the best way to do it is gradually: plan to have a series of conversations with your son about establishing the best routine for using technology in your home. Don’t expect to come up with a decision immediately, but instead agree a time for sorting something out, for example, within two weeks.

When you talk, make sure to listen to his point of view as well as sharing your concerns. It is useful to focus on the ultimate goal, saying, “I’m only doing this to help you get a good night’s sleep so you are relaxed in the morning,” and to encourage him to think about things between chats: “Let’s look up the research on screens/TV in the home/the amount of sleep people need,” and so on. Also, make sure to give him some responsibility and choices: “I’d prefer to remove technology altogether, but if you show that you have it all turned off by 8:30pm without me asking, then we will consider you keeping it.” You also have the backup of using consequences to enforce rules: “If you don’t get up on time in the morning, then you will lose some of your screen time in the evening.”

Bedtime can be chaos in my home with my three children who are four, six and seven. They all become giddy and spark off each other, going into each other's beds and rooms and it can be exhausting getting them all settled. Should I try to stagger their bedtimes? When I tried to do this before, the four-year-old really resisted going to bed earlier as she did not want to miss out on anything.

When you have two or more children, it depends on the individual family as to whether it works best for them to have the same or different bedtimes. A lot depends on the individual sleep needs of the children, with some needing more sleep than the other (this is usually, though not always, the younger). What matters most is that you establish a relaxing bedtime routine that allows each of them to have some special time with one of their parents at the end. For example, it could work well for your youngest to go to bed 20 minutes earlier if that meant that she got some special one-to-one reading time with Mum or Dad in her bed.

At this time your older two could be encouraged to do some individual relaxing activities downstairs as they wait to get their one-to-one time when they go to bed. Alternatively, you can have the same bedtime and a similar routine for all three. In this situation, it can work well to have the rule that they get their one-to-one time when they are lying down and relaxing in their bed when you or your partner go round to each of them for a story or a chat.

In your situation, where bedtime has become problematic, it can be useful to restart the bedtime routine by doing up a family chart with your three children.

The fact that they are giddy could be a sign that they are overtired and need an earlier bedtime, or that they don’t have a good enough wind-down routine before bed.

On the chart, aim for an early bedtime and describe all the wind-down relaxing steps as well as the natural reward of the story or chat in bed at the end. To motivate them at the beginning, you can include a star for each of them if they make the bedtime, and a special team star for all of them if they get to bed in a relaxed manner without giddiness or messing. These stars can be exchanged for a special family treat at the end of the week. Creating a chart with them in this way can be a good way to get them motivated and involved.

For more practical tips see the Safefood "It's Bedtime" campaign, safefood.eu

[ solutiontalk.ie ]